Well, to begin with, I must mention that I am in a very confused state of mind at this very moment but I feel like speaking my heart out.
Heard it somewhere that –what and if are two different words that are non-threatening as words can be. put them together side by side and they have the power to wound your world. What if?
What if I fall for someone I have been introduced to just a couple of months back even when I am in a serious relationship with someone else? What if you are aspiring to get through with your dream college and you don’t clear your entrance due to some lame reasons? What if after your busy schedule you sit in a coffee shop and suddenly you smile at the sight of a cute little flower selling girl who was probably on streets for the first time selling flowers and with the blink of an eye she gets hit by a car and you couldn’t help her cross the road. What if you reach confidently for a job interview and you get to know that it was over and the timings conveyed to you were altered the previous night and circulated over e-mails and you didn’t browse the internet because you were too busy preparing for the walk-in and you needed to look fresh. What if while travelling in a bus, you reach cloud 9 with the sight of a very beautiful lady with waist length semi-curly hair, round big eyes wearing a light blue kurta and your playlist where so long you were banging your head over hard metal changes to MLTR or Boyzone wondering how an angel’s voice would sound like and at the end of the trip you decide to approach her and just ask her name. no sooner you reach her, you get to know that she is deaf and dumb.
The more you try to lead a controlled life, the more life would empower you. This is what someone told me. I thought over it throughout days and nights together. All I could figure out was that you cannot control your emotions. You may not express them. But you definitely cannot control them. The more you decide to get out of such thoughts, the more you get entangled within such thoughts. You can build up a proper career plan but you surely cannot decide when to fall for someone. What if we could have done so?
You decide to sneak for a night out with your friends to a friend of friend’s place, a complete stranger and by the break of dawn you find yourself chattering with that stranger as if you were best of friends since ages. Would it be because of the fact that opposites attract or because people of opposite sex and like minds attract???? Slowly you start meeting so often and you somehow start enjoying the company of the new person that you actually start relying on him/her and gradually get attracted towards him/her. You happen to be someone who is supposedly secretive and you find discussing you personal life with the person you have been knowing for less than a week..No matter how hard you try not to ponder over his/her thoughts, you land up smiling thinking about silly tete-a-tete or proper philosophical arguments and you end up judging yourself to figure out if you have said something wrong or foolish which might have hurt his/her sentiments. After all the gush of thoughts you realize that you have a tumbling relationship for quite a decent period of time which might break any day and you are not a relationship material. What if you guy/girl gets to know about your newly developing feelings? Is it wrong? Can you not fall in love or get attracted to someone more than once?
The next moment you try to set yourself to some productive work and again you have clouds of thoughts around you with a ear-to -ear smile on your face. You stand infront of the mirror and literally fall in love with your eyes because that person liked your eyes and you forget that you got compliments for your eyes even before.. and you smile again and check if the dimples on you cheek are still prominent or vanishing..you find yourself prettier..curse yourself for reading hell lot of romance or watching such movies.
And after sessions of thoughts, you realize, first, that you are not amongst the ones who would take the initiative to confess your feelings. Second, you get back to reality recollecting his/her career plans and the fact that he/she being like –minded also feels that he/she isn’t a relationship material. above that, you don’t feel like becoming a barrier in a career-oriented person’s life. Third, again you get back to the moments when your eyes caught his/her eyes staring at you and you smile it off and knowingly start some puerile conversation or pretend to haven’t have seen..wishing somewhere deep down to know what he/she was thinking. Fourth, you suppress your expressions and emotions as you don’t want him/her to know about your emotional fluctuations to avoid becoming a laughing stock.
Phew..!! confused with adamant walls of fluctuating emotions which leads you nowhere. And finally, you feel sooooo damn tired that you go off to sleep.
