Have you ever been lonely? I have. I still am sometimes. Lonely I mean. Do you know how you know that you’re lonely? It’s when you start singing even when you’ve got headphones on. It’s when you unplug the headphones so that there’s some sound to break that never ending silence. It’s when you write random stuff just to hear that rattling of keys or that scratch of pen on paper.
You may think I’m gripping about nothing. Loneliness is not nothing. It’s the loss of everything that once gave you company and brought a smile to your face. It’s when you roll over in your sleep and find the pillow next to yours empty. Loneliness is when the only person you have to deal with is yourself.
What about social connectivity you ask? Sure, I’m on WhatsApp. I have a Facebook account. A Gmail account. A Yahoo account too. Instagram, check. Youtube, check. I have a laptop with gigabytes of music, movies and games. Its 11:09 as I write this and I swear I would give anything to have one person ask me if I’m ok. A smile would do. You’d think the constant red rimmed eyes and sleepless pallor would start a conversation. Nope, people are too busy smiling at that gif they just received.
In this world where supposedly everybody knows everybody, we don’t really care about anybody. I’m alone where I am right now. My family’s in separate parts of the world. No, I’m not a waif crying for her mommy. Although I wouldn’t mind having her here right now.
Look, I just made a joke.
You know how Facebook says connect with your friends instantly. That’s the biggest load of fertiliser you ever bought from the world’s biggest salesman. It’s the cheapest and most effective marketing gimmick on the planet. It’s a bold faced lie that’s aimed at giving hope to people too lazy or too desperate to make a connection.
I long for the day when I won’t have to be stuck within four walls. When I won’t have to fall into that monotonous loop of eating and sleeping. Well I’m not doing either of those nowadays.
I’m a sad, lonely individual. And I have reasons for it. I’m not seeking attention. This is not some desperate cry for help. God forbid, I’m definitely not suicidal! I just need to connect to someone – a stranger, a friend, a family member. I just want someone to ask me if I’m ok. To hug me spontaneously. To take me out for ice-cream or pizza. To ask me if I want to watch a movie. To treat me like I’m always visible and not just when you want help with your assignments.
The thing is, when you’re lonely, you just don’t want to see anybody. You’d rather hide it and fake it till you break and somebody eventually comes looking. You’re afraid that people will ask you to stop ‘being silly’ and ‘stop being sad’. Somebody once said whenever you’re sad; just think about all those who have it much worse than you. Bullshit. That’s like telling people to be less happy because somebody out there is happier than you.
My lonely bed beckons. The Winnie the Pooh pillow covers and my worn out teddy aimed at brightening my day, just makes me sink lower. I hear giggles from the other rooms as girls gossip and paint their nails. I hear snatches of movie dialogues and endings of songs. I hear a girlfriend’s whispers. And I have teddy who can’t do any of this (I’ve had him since I was 5; we have a whole Ted thing going on).
My eyes feel heavy with sleep. Tomorrow will be a different day. The sun will come out, the birds will sing, people will wake up and the whole circle starts again.
I hope I have a reason to smile tomorrow.
