I remember topping my Class 5 exams as though it was yesterday. As a scrawny boy aged 11, with big glasses and long trousers that I wore way above my waistline, I was made to stand at the front of the class and had the students applaud me as the teachers gifted me a small trophy. I was not used to being clapped at , and for a 11 year old who was usually ridiculed as being a nerd, it gave me a huge boost. That was when I realized there was a small portion inside me that absolutely loved the adulation, the claps, the teachers pats-on –the –backs and the proud faces of my mom and dad as I took the trophy back home. I later came to realize that it was own selfish ego , something which would haunt me and lead to some life altering decisions and probably lead to where I am today, standing at the edge of a high-rise about to commit suicide, but my 11 year old self enjoyed it and didn’t know any better. As the years passed, the trophies got smaller and the applause a bit less enthusiastic, but I enjoyed it none the less. And that was when Class 10 happened…
Class 10 was an eye opener, since it was the first time that I was made to feel the real pressure. The subjects were not the issue, they never were, but it was the competition that made me feel sick. Boys and girls, who were average at the best and always looked glum as they stood next to me in the 2nd and 3rd positions, were suddenly catching up, and fast. I had always hated the concept of tuitions, but as soon as I discovered that it was my Achilles heel and was leading my classmates to catch up to me, I enrolled into the best one. Soon, I was sitting next to my friends from class, taking down notes of Physics and Chemistry which I had already memorized. But the tuitions ensured discipline, and I was not distracted by stupid things like Books, poetry and girls, who suddenly seemed to be the hot topic among boys. Soon I was on the top again, and it showed at the results which were announced in May that Year… Physics- 100, Maths-98, Chemistry- 98, Biology-100.. I didn’t bother to check the marks of my language or History and Geography, but hearing that I had aced them too felt good at a small level. I was the Topper, and planned to stay that way.
Class 12 was another turning point, since there was competition on a different level there. Not only did I have to beat the loosers at my own school, but also all the neighbouring schools in the city and the state . Since I was the School Principals hope for a State rank, pressure on that front too. Plus a big monster looming at the other end of the boards, called the JEE entrance tests. Here I would be up against toppers from all over the country, a daunting prospect, but something my ego monster looked forward to. Beating the Toppers and being the ultimate Topper ,seeing your name in the newspapers and TV, being adored by parents and envied by neighbours, would be awesome!!! So I slogged, sleeping for 4 hours, eating only enough to survive , and ignoring hygiene in general.I lost 10 kgs becoming sickeningly thin and lost all touch with History or the Humanities, but atleast my parents were supportive. Like the other parents all over india, they too wanted their son to ace the Exams. And when the results came, the Topper did Excel!! Physics 100 (again!), Maths 99, Chemistry 99 and Biology 100.. I fared poorly in Hindi and English, scoring 75 and 80 out of 100, but since the IITs didn’t consider it as an entrance criteria, I wasn’t bothered. JEE results came out later, and although the All India Rank of 23 did feel like a punch in my stomach, I was into an IIT, and the Topper , his ego hurt, vowed to take revenge.
The four years at IIT Mumbai changed my life, like it did to most of my classmates. For the first time, I was away from my parents, with no Pa to check my maths assignments or Ma to cook me delicious Bhajjis . I was a scrawny homesick nerd in a land inhabited by nerds. There were toppers everywhere, in the ClassRoom, at the library, and even in the Basketball court where mentioning your 12th marks probably earned you a scowl, since most of them scored the same. Computer Science Engineering fascinated me, not that I was into coding or Database mapping or things like that. The class had most of the state toppers from all over the country, and beating them in assignments or inter college contests gave a special kick. There was a relative Grading system or the GPA, and being a Topper meant being in the top 1 percentile, i.e a Nine Pointer or above. I was a 9.5 when I graduated four years later, making a few friends and more enemies along the way. I was picked up by a top Search Engine firm as a Trainee, but I just took part in the Placement tests to beat some of my classmates and was never going to join. I already knew where I was headed, like the other Toppers from my Engineering class and classes all over the country.
IIM Bangalore was probably the most difficult Management College to get into in the World, but there was no college where the Topper wasn’t allowed in. The Topper also made it to another college which was supposed to be better and was located in Gujarat, but I wanted a place closer to home and Mas food. So here I was again, in between girls and guys who were toppers not only in their Classes and States, but also IITs. IIM demanded my mental energies to be strained at a higher level, and the Topper almost it on a couple of occasions. There were assignments, projects and presentations to be prepared, group projects and summer internships and what not. Cut throat competition was a gentle term to use for those two years, but I enjoyed whenever one of my professors congratulated on my Excellent work ,the same feeling I had as a 5 year old. After two years, I was picked up by an investment bank in Singapore, one of the biggest to visit the Campus for Placements and offering the biggest paycheck. This time, my pay package did make it to the newspapers, and the Topper truly felt on top of the world.
That was 5 years ago. I spent 3 years in Singapore followed by a year and a half by locations all over the world.Today I head the India division of a major multinational bank. Our head office is located on a prime location in one of the major tech parks of the IT capital, Bangalore, home of my beloved alma mater and beautiful weather. I have put on some weight along the way, and my parents are now talking of getting me married off. An IIT- IIM boy with a seven digit salary had a truckload of takers in the Paycheck obsessed matrimonial industry , and I find myself looking at pictures of girls who are far prettier than I deserve. Newtons Laws of Natural selection seems to have turned on its head as far as the matrimonial scene here is considered. And then I started seeing things, which have led me to the terrace of my 12 storied office.
It was the little things first. My maid, who made very little amount of money, taking the leftover food from my plate to carefully place it in the box she brought to take it to her kids back home. My security guard, a guy more than my dads age, sleeping in a small shack which was smaller than my toilet. I saw kids on the street, begging in front of the Mahatmas statue, their clothes torn and their noses running. I sat inside my Air conditioned BMW X5 as an old beggar knocked on the door, hopping from one car to another and getting scowls in between. I gave that old man a 100 rupee note, a decimal fraction of the amount I spend on an outing at the mall, but I felt strangely content.I gave away money to charities and orphanages, not knowing what to do with my ever growing Bank Account. But the inequalitites were everywhere, in front of the malls I went, in front of the swanky IT park where I worked, even in front of the Gym which I had to visit these days to keep my weight in check. Soon, I got so mentally disturbed that I stopped going to these places. Instead, I sat home and watched the news and documentaries, looking at hungry farmers commitng suicides and beggars getting raped in the country. I feel so helpless!!
Today, as I look down at the ground from the Terrace of the swanky highrise, I feel disturbed! What did I top? What did I gain? There were no more exams to ace, no more tests to pass, but what was the point anyways? Was it going to help that old woman across the street,a frail thing with matted hair who stooped in front of strangers for a little kindness? Was it going to help that boy I saw on the way to office, carrying newspapers in a hand and hollering his throat away? No!! I suddenly remember the story of King Ashoka which I read in class 5.. A warrior who had won it all only to realize he had won nothing!!!
I look down from the parapet,gauging my fall, when I see my boss driving in in… Wait.. An Audi Q5? 60 lakhs atleast… How could I jump now, I only had a BMW? My mind was suddenly clear, like the clouds have parted to give way to a clear sky…Now I had a goal…Audi Q6.. 76 lakhs…A Villa on the outskirts of the city.. 100 lakhs.. A BMW for my parents.. 65 lakhs.. Foreign trips for me and my Future wife.. 20 lakhs.. Kids school admission and expenses.. Another 40 lakhs… The Topper was back in the game Baby!!!
