“Birthday party at Tandoori, NSP on 22nd Nov, Sunday. Okay?” read the message timed 2am. I read it at 10 in the morning accompanied with the morning yawn. Still unprepared to face the reality and tired from the proceedings of the previous night, I dozed back to sleep again.
I had taken the plunge the previous night. I proposed the guy I had a crush on since time immemorial. I was pretty confident till yesterday the feelings I possessed were justified to be called “love” but after the series of messages exchanged I had started doubting my very belief. Lust and love are mystifying. Contrary to my make belief world, the feelings turned out to be one-sided.
And finally it had shattered the glass I had bounded myself in. Was I dumb enough to not see the truth, or was he egoistic to not succumb to his true feelings? I was perplexed. I wasn’t in a mental form to weigh the two possibilities, so keeping the phone aside, I was off in a world away from the realistic boundaries.
“Chickni chameli, ghar se akeli bahua chada ke aayi, aare…” The phone rang at 12.30 pm, acting as a deterrent in my refuge time and again. The screen flashed ‘Nivedita calling’. After cursing her for a few seconds I decided to pick up the call. “Hello” I said, though my voice couldn’t camouflage the fact: I- am- just- up- from- the- snooze-and-your-call-is-unwelcome. “So rahi hai?” she reiterated back, her voice reflecting the obvious shock. For it was against my grain to be asleep till this part of the day. “Nhi bol” I cut her short to dodge any explanation and indicating to come to the point. Receiving a call from her was always a pleasure whatever may be the time of the day. The case wasn’t the same though this time! “u coming na?” she asked. “I ‘ll see and confirm by evening” I answered keeping it short. “Yeah, no excuse would be accepted though. Bye” “Bye” I answered switching off the phone this time and pledging to change the ringtone asap!
Life has changed in the past few months. I would‘ve shrouded at the idea of proposing him 4 months back, but there I was now, having flattered him with a proposal sounding more or less the same
“ Sans you my life is as black as coal
I love you dear from my heart and soul”
Now, this doesn’t justify the denial I encountered. Kindly scan the lines for the feelings hidden behind. Should I ‘ve done justice to my feeling then or contemplated on the fact how it sounded to the third person?
“8.30 tomorrow, okay?” She had called again this evening to confirm. I was dying to meet the old chaps, reminiscing the old days, but this wasn’t a great time. I wasn’t in my finest of mood to be a part of the get-together. “I am not sure Nivedita” I said honestly, with a guilt in the voice. “Par kyun?? You ve been excited enough from the past 2 months to meet us all, I said no excuses.” She said in a threatening voice. “Who all are coming?” i asked to deviate her from the topic than being eager to scan the guest list. She started listing the names excitedly as if it could change my mind. “Sneha, Sarthak, Rohan, Samarth...” My heart skipped a beat as I heard that name, though I composed myself to sound normal. “Samarth coming too?” “Haan, any problem” she was obviously confused with my remark. Of course, she is a mutual friend, and he being our classmate is un-doubtedly invited. After gaining my senses I embarked “Aah! No, was just confirming if he is in Delhi right now” “Yeah, winter break! So u are added in the list too!” she said as a matter of factly. “Give me time, by an hour I ll call you definitely” and I hung the phone with the courtesy “Bye”
“I can’t face him now, it would be embarrassing” a part of the brain was screaming. The other part though nullified it with a justified reason “you ve to show him, you aren’t weak and you are moving on. Not meeting other friends just because he ‘l l be there isn’t justified” the latter did make sense and was able to overcome the paranoid me.
I put on the confident smile and left for the party. There always remains a line of difference which separates the ‘knowledge of right’ from the ‘implementation of the right’. Thus, it took me enough drilling of mind for hours to muster courage and step inside the party hall.
“Hi” and the hall was filled with the feeling of nostalgia, seeing the old faces one haven’t seen in 3 years! It felt good to be around old buddies but his presence didn’t let me enjoy the party fully. I was conscious. And the feeling was exaggerated when I couldn’t find a place to sit except next to him. The place was indeed small and dinghy! My heart beat picked pace, the eyes were rolling to find a vacant space, but all in vain. “Sit na” growled Nivedita from her comfortable place. Alas! She had made herself subject to my cursing yet again. “Sure” I said faking a polite reply. I was already apprehensive to attend the party, now sitting next to him was a nightmare turned true.
Things weren’t the same always. I have been begging Him to arrange a co-incidental meeting with him since ages and indeed when we were under the same roof, I was avoiding eye contact. The infatuation dates back to standard 9th when he first stepped inside the class. I was the love smitten lass then keeping record of the days he was present on, when he passed the smile to me and other mundane stuff! Still proposing him never crossed my mind, ‘cause he was besotted towards my closest friend, yes a typical Bollywood plot! The ‘Samarth craze’ had somehow died down thanks to migration to different schools after the matriculation. Though it returned with a bang, 4 years later. Few FB chats and his concern were enough to transform me back into the love smitten lass, with an addition of stupidity this time. I made up my make belief world. But then I am not the only one to be blamed for driving on the wrong side of the road, he gave the nudge. Dah!
We are sitting poles apart. I had always possessed great respect for him, but it seemed to‘ve plummeted down after the party. He gave a firm handshake while dispersing. It left me wondering, but I resolved to not ponder on it too much or I’ll come up with an explanation quite contrary to the intention.
The events of the party keep replaying in the mind time and now. I wonder if I could‘ve acted in that moment in a different way only if it would ‘ve made any difference. Alas! Time doesn’t revert back or I could‘ve rectified the mistakes done. I was dressed in black sweater, red undershirt and blue jeans that day. Recalling how he wore the same colour combination of clothes brings a smile on my face. Co-incidence? Maybe?! Still it lightens up the heart.
