This is one of those days when you will find me unusually quiet. You have never expected this of me, but so shall it be, all for my cackles and squeals and jibber-jabber otherwise.
This is one of those days when she overtakes me. She, the other me.The edgy me, the exasperated me, the violent me, the inconsiderate me, the rude me, the cruel me, the dark me. I'm not her, yet I become her. These days, I call them my bad days.
Most days, she's in hibernation. Failed, surrendered, unsuccessful, unimportant, nothing..she's all that. But these few days she comes out of her hiding and she tries to overtake me. I try to cuff her, gag her, bind her, stop her from getting a hold on me. These few days, I struggle.
This is a bad day. My friends are teasing me. They usually do, and it doesn't affect me. It shouldn't, it's not meant to. But today is a bad day. I'm unusually edgy today and they're usually very much the same as they are today. But she doesn't know, and she doesn't care. So she loses it. I can feel her slipping out of my control. She yells. They laugh. They think I'm being funny just like every other day. I sense that, I fake a laugh. The truth is, it wasn't me who yelled. It was her, and she was not being funny. She was being rude. The truth is, she is bad. The truth is, she is nothing like me. The truth is, I'm helpless these few days. I hate her. She does those things I can't even imagine. And it looks like I do it. She does those things. I don't. And then I'm guilty, for everytime it's her doing and it looks like I was responsible. And I apologize, for every time people find the "she" in me. I wanna shout out and tell everyone,"She's doing it. It's not me."
Everytime she gets the better of me, I change. I'm her. I'm no more me. And so I'm called volatile, mercurial, also "Miss Fifty Shades".
I get up and leave. My friends follow me. They know something is wrong. I can clearly hear my heart beating. Fast, very fast. I check my pulse on my wrist. OMG! It's like it's beating at double the normal rate. Or is it because it's two? Two hearts? Two people? She and me. Me and she.
