The Company of Myself

I have reached a stage in life where i cant tell one state from the other. There is a sense of lying ,of being untruthful, of being dishonest to myself. A sense that tells me that I am not as comfortable with my flaws as much as I would like myself to believe.
And there is this sense which tells me that i am always going to be this way.
Careerwise, which is the most out rightly apparent, i am far behind my peers. "Far" could be an overstatement or an understatement, im not sure.
I sit here in this reading room of this esteemed college and i begin to pen down my thoughts. It has been quite some time.
There has always been a sense of dishonesty about my writing. I feel now that that is the single most contributing factor to the mediocrity of my writing.
"Feel" though is a strong word. I am never sure with certainity about what I "feel". Every single "feeling" is just a time dependent emotional flux through a moment.
There are some beautiful girls in this room. I "feel" mildly attracted towards most of them. Some are here with company some are not. Approaching any of them is out of the question. My previous experiences with approaching women are some of my most embarassing memories.
Even so iv had my fair share of non-platonic feminine presence in my past, but by now i have understood that solace is not something that i will ever attain from a woman.
A woman can provide you with many things, but she cannot bring you peace. Your peace is something you have to discover. Yet , a part of me still waits for the day when a beautiful girl would just walk up to me and from the very first moment simply understand and accept me for what i am. Of course i also expect to become Bat-Ironman with the same probablity. That is my fantasy. My personal mental porn.
Being alone provides you with perspective,yes, but overthinking provides you with 'logic loops'. Loops where you have already thought too much, and yet havent thought it out completely. And you are so tired of thinking you dont want to think any further. And so you go round and round and round.