You were wallowing in a pit of darkness, surrounded by self-hate and soul-crushing grief. And now you find yourself smiling for no reason. The grief does not leave you, it keeps following, shackled like dead weight to your heart. It weighs you down and makes every single step, every action and every breath, heavy and torturous. The grief is still there, undoubtedly. Yet.. Yet you find yourself smiling and laughing. And you find yourself anticipating happiness. You find yourself suddenly thinking of tomorrow, of a future, again. The dream that had abandoned you long back is showing you new and improved glimpses again. The hurt is still there but you find yourself smiling now. It is as if the grief is part of who you are now. A new you. A new person who is allowing themselves to be happy? Is that it? Whatever it is, you are surprised. You are downright shocked out of your shoes at your ability to smile and dream. And that scares you. You are scared to let go, lest this new happiness is just a fleeting mirage. You fear that if you get robbed of this new unexpected ability to smile, then you will drown in the grief that has been with you for nearly 3 years now. And that is the scariest thing you can think of right now. You fear to allow yourself to open up about the grief, in case it swallows you up and destroys you. Because you know that if grief takes over this time, then you have no way out.
But there is also the possibility that this surprising ability to smile and feel again might just save you. It may happen that your newly found smile remains with you for a long time, if not forever. You might find that happiness has come to stay this time. You may find yourself happier than ever. You might find yourself living your wildest dream. Though the grief will not go.. You know that the grief will be a part of you as long as you live. That you know..
But what to do? Go back into hiding while clutching the grief close in your arms? Or open up to the brilliant warmth that has just shown up, and live despite the grief?
