4 years of engineering. 10 days studying for TOEFL. Not scoring well there. Again ragging my ass off for GRE, 11-12 hours every day for a month, panicking at the end moment and fucking that up too and scoring 298/340. Fucking 298. Seriously. Out of all this work. But that is not the worst part. Not the stress, not the depression of the 4 years. Not even the regrets that i didn’t go on any vacations on the 4 years. Rather invested my time either learning something new, experimenting or studying for a difficult subject in the upcoming sem. Nothing regrets me than what happened today. The fact that i can hide what i feel from inside is the proof that i can deceive even myself in this life.
I have an anxiety problem. And the fact that i fuck things up is anxiety. Nobody understands what an anxiety disorder is. Even my parents never understood my problem. They said it was my over thinking, nervousness or mental or psychological problem. It is that type of problem. The concept of anxiety disorder was inscrutable to them. Truth is, only a person suffering from an anxiety disorder understands what it is. If you don’t know what it is just imagine this :
You are nervous, full of fear, your heart is not just pounding or racing, it is beating our of your chest, you are panicking, even when the temperature is cold as the arctic you are sweating like standing in the Sahara. And why is this happening? because you just want to go and stand in line to buy a railway ticket. People will laugh but i only know what i have gone through. My parents always said you study so hard but your scores are not great, they are appreciable but not great. How do i explain to them what i go through? Even though i somehow managed to get my ass through these years keeping it normal. People always asked me why am i sweating when its so cold. Just told them that i traveled a lot.
But the incident happened today has taken on my faith through humanity.
I always loved dogs. The only reason is because it was the only creature that loved my more than himself when i loved everyone more than myself. A dog doesn’t care what u look like, how much money u have, what car u drive. it just gives u ur heart and that's all it asks for in return. “Whitey” (My dog) came into my house 2 years ago (When he was 11) . It is an old age for a dog to come into any family. OK. Let me correct myself. i brought whitey in my house 2 years ago. His old owner, some girl mostly kicked him out of her house and bought a new Labrador. He came in my building and it took me around 2 months to create a bond so that he could trust me. I always wanted a dog, so i brought (Not bought) one inside the house. He somehow understood me, protected me, came behind me everywhere, waited for me to come from college, he didn’t care if i was unable to top the class or failed in a subject. He helped me reduce a lot of my anxiety disorder. A debt i will never be able to pay back. Having an anxiety disorder is like being scared of everything. And he gave me comfort when needed. My mom doesn’t like the touch of dogs. means she likes dogs, feeds them but doesn’t touch them. I loved and spent enormous amounts of money on dogs. Trust me when i say that.
You see there is a difference when someone doesn’t give the dogs any food, gives the dogs the leftover food, and when the person shares the food from his own plate and gives them just because the dog wants that piece of chicken more than you. But its a dog, i have gone hungry for some nights when my mom wasn’t home by feeding other dogs in the neighboring locality with the food money mom gave me. But i owe them a lot than i can ever pay them back.
YOU KNOW WHAT IM SO FUCKING ANGRY RIGHT NOW. When whitey got injured badly and was walking on three legs, i called up a doctor. He asked me all sorts of questions other than relevant. Who gave me his number, where do i stay and what not, and at last he said he is on vacation and he cant come. WHY THE FUCK DID YOU WASTE MY TIME. Im in tears by looking at the state of the dog itself. I called up a foundation . They said they cant come since the car has passed the area. I mean WTF. You cant turn the car back and help an injured dog. who even fucking funds you. I had tears , i was hollow and somehow i was searching the new, calling numbers and doing everything i can to make him better again. Finally i decided i will make him better myself. I applied indian home made remedies for some days. Carried him everywhere. slept besides him even when my mother warned me not to since he was dirty and not in a state to have a bath. But with time he got better and my health exacerbated, i hadn’t slept for 3 days by then. But the thing is its not just whitey i care about so much. Its every other dog, even the street ones.
The building female dog gave birth to 9 kids. 8 of them survived at birth. 2 weeks ago some construction working going on in the locality and one of the kids was going to come under the small truck carrying stuff. i shouted and the organizer of that construction area picked that kid up and flung him over. He fell flat on his behind legs and he could walk since then. I couldn’t see him in that state by i couldn’t do anything. He was small and there was nothing to be done since his back legs were broken and literally paralyzed. For two days i had gone to my granny's house since my GRE exam center was near. I come back after 2 days and see that puppy missing. I mean worst day due to my scores and now this. I couldn’t sleep so i woke up at 2 in the night . took a torch and searched the area. I looked inside one gutter but there was a rat inside making noises. I didn't have sound sleep yet just dozed off for some time. I wake up in the morning and hear some people talking. I come to know that they found the puppy inside the gutter full of mud and wet since it was raining whole night. I tell my dad to call up another foundation who actually responds. They said they will come. I had some hope that he will survive. We didn’t do anything since im no expert doctor on dogs myself. We wait and wait and nobody turns up. Around 4 in the evening i go to check on him. and he is barely breathing. He can barely move. just struggling to do anything. Im like fuck it. The neighbor also agrees to take him to the vet. He was so dirty and ants and insects were crawling on him. I knew mom will worry so i wear gloves just not to catch any disease or infection. I get a tub and clean him up with Dettol water. He is still struggling to breathe. He is still not drinking water or milk. We can't go to the vet not only because no vehicle wants to take a small puppy wrapped in cloth but also that there is so much traffic that cars aren’t moving. The neighbors son comes and becomes a savior. He has a bike. I sit behind somehow with the puppy in my hand. We are already making awkward turns in the traffic and escaping it that the neighbor says there is a traffic policeman in front. I tell him slow down but don't stop. if he does i will speak to him in his mother tone. (Benefits of being trilingual) But he didn’t stop us. The vet we go to is so fucking uncaring that he just gives a small injection and tells us to do this and that and shit and shoos us away from his clinic. I cant even believe it. We come back home. Dry him up with a hair dryer . Warm his body. Remove the insects from his ears and all possible parts of his body. I try to feed him water. he does intake some but spits the rest out. I still continue to get him to a better state. After some time he moves his hands and body and i fell that he will get better. He drinks some water , the neighbors son goes to get the medicine, the puppy even urinates on the cloth and just when i thought everything was great, he removes water from his mouth and he stops breathing. Just nothing. No hand movements, no stomach movement of breathing, no nothing.
I couldn’t do anything. I have failed the person who saved me. I couldn’t save him. I couldn’t cry in front of everyone. Most of the day i spent my time playing a mobile game and kept talking about it with my brother in the WhatsApp group but i usually do that when I'm at my worst. Mom says people look up to me for inspiration and shit. I don't want them to. I'm no inspirational hero. But i will say that the creature of dog is a god. reverse the letters of the dog and u get god. I failed my savior. I failed you. I MEAN JUST FUCK MY LIFE. You can’t even save someone who gave u a purpose in life. When u were fighting on the death bed due to severe liver problems, the dog came and sat beside u asshole. When no one understood u, that creature did. And today he needed help. You failed. Live with that for the rest of your life.
