Scratch and Burn!

Okay so I read the post "Vain in Pain" and I started typing a comment for it... but it turned out to be so huge, I thought might just make a post out of it!
(After all, come-back posts are so huge on WriterBabu, eh? I particularly enjoyed the "Vada" one... and the "Why I shan't date you again" was good too...)

So yes. Waxing.

Ouch.

Now, almost the majority of you who have had the unfortunate experience of waxing done would agree with me that these are straight up rituals from HELL. I'm sorry Satan, I know even you aren't that cruel.

But I really do wonder... who invented waxing?

Like, what kind of sado-masochistic freak would think of that?

"Hmmm... so I know how we can get those things off our body... let's just smear some scalding hot wax and rip them right off!"

Yikes.

And the parlour aunties don't make it any easier, do they?

Now, I dread waxing sessions as much as I dread the doctor... (hiding under the bed, et al)

Because let's just face it. It isn't all that pretty, is it?

If you'd never had one, then you probably might think it's some chic affair, like Katrina Kaif in the Veet ad.

A moment of silence for you, my friend.

But those of you who have had it would know that's it's just a third degree torture served with an extra helping of STICKY and MESSY.

Meh.

And what's with you, you nosy parlour aunty? Screw you and your condescending talks.

She'll always try to sell her other services (shudder) by qupping in some occasional "Hair bahut dry hai beta... Hair spa karwalo" or "clean up karwalo" or "threading karwalo"

Well, no thanks, aunty. If I wanted to get that done, I would have asked you to!

And then she'll HAVE to point out something wrong with you.

Like... why you so judgy wudgy, auntyji?

And somehow they just think silence is beneath them while they are waxing you so they'll ask about your school/college/work and all kinds of stuff.

Eh? Aunty, did nobody teach you the phrase silence is golden?
Do you not comprehend that I'm trying here not to scream my head off so that YOU do not get arrested for assault!

And then they'll be so merciless when they just yank that strip off your skin taking away a few layers of it along with the hair... revealing a sore red excuse for a skin that makes you look like you've either got a really bad rash or sunburned.

Gah.

Fed up of all of this, I tried waxing myself at home one day, with Veet.

I rubbed it in my palms, spread it on my leg, and... pulled. I'm not big on masochism so I didn't pull it hard (read "mercilessly") enough.

Result - A heap of wax on my leg. Next to no wax on the strip lying limp in my horrified hand. Not a single hair misplaced.

I spent the rest of the afternoon washing the wax off my leg, swearing myself off waxing for the rest of my life.