The biggest hurdle in life is getting to much attached to something or someone. I never got attached with some object in my life, what i got attached with was a girl. I know its the same old boring story. A boy see a girl and fall in love at first sight and then game over. huh... pretty much the same with me. Game just got over, there was no hope as she rejected me right away saying i was a good friend. Even i felt guilty for falling in love with her. Now i have no idea why I was guilty. I had the best feelings for her that any one could ever have for anyone. But still...So my confession made everything awkward. We moved out of college in different cities and distance. Feelings never got diminished. Infact we still used to talk,sometime, on phone, I thought I was her best friend and she used to say so. And this friendship thing just screwed me up. Had it been another girl I would have said "okay" and would have moved on. But you know how things are in a typical one sided story. Every time I sat down to have some alcohol this love thing was all over me. I even called her many times after getting drunk untill one night she said "please don't call, i live with my family". Good guy I was, and never ever called her after getting drunk, however drunk I was and however strong feelings got after losing control. Ya, love can give you that one small control, may be. And ya what is love used to be the most common wondering and why was I so much in love was the second biggest wondering of my tiny mind. But the days were cool. There was no fear of screwing myself and wasted time, as they say. I would say I enjoyed those moments. Sitting alone in some lonely place, thinking about her. Wind used to be cool at around 2 in the morning and trees made low pleasant sound with friction between leaves. Moon was bigger and much more beautiful than ever and the songs, songs were just like heroine or cocaine(as i saw in movies) mixing in the blood and giving an all time high. The lonely walks on empty road under street light in rain, I just can forget any of those.
Okay so where was I. Anyway so all those good good feelings were not free. I was paying a huge cost for that. The biggest thing one have to lose. I was paying it in time. I was spending time to buy those wonderful feelings. I am still not sure if I would regret those nights but one thing is sure I could have done something sensible in that time to win my girl. Ya, friendship can change into a love relationship. I realised this thing after few years when she confessed that she may have feelings for me. She said lets not rush and let things move on their own. I was happier than ever that night. Ya anyone would be but I think no one can be that happy.
So as soon as few months pass, I realised the things are not flowing as I expected to flow after the confession. And this was due to my loser-ness that I had harnessed in last few years, doing very little productive work. "Sirf pyaar se zindagi nahi chalti". She never said anything about my loser-ness but she started to mantain some distance gradually and I had no control over it, we even had fights. Infact many fights over why are you ignoring me, and somethings like that. Not everyone fall in love. Only a few blessed souls get such change. She had not fallen in love with me, but due to so many years of this same strong feeling for her in my heart she got inclined towards me. I was even earning lesser than her. I had not done anything respectable in my life till then, except a few. Maybe her ego couldn't accept this. But I had no clue by that time, why was it all happening. Why is she going far away. Why is she behaving that way. Maybe she also had no clue why she was doing it. No girl can be attracted to a loser. Ya, I was a loser. A big one and I live in that depression for few months too, after few years of previous depression. It was my nature and I was something like "dil-jale" ... you know, cigarettes, beers. But by this time I had started getting mature. Ya, she always said why are you so kiddish, show some maturity. So I started getting mature, and even after getting drunk and all I never opened my mouth about her in front of anyone. Even in worst conditions I controlled myself. I learned self control using alcohol and then controlled myself against alcohol. Almost stopped drinking, got some self respect in my own eyes. Then one day something happened and I decided I will never think about her. A big blow you know. When life leaves nothing for you, finally you have to stand up and snatch whatever you can snatch back. That is human instinct. I realised how strong I was actually. I had always thought of myself as a very sentimental and emotional person, or may be I was, but that day changed quite a bit. uuumm.... one minute. No, it was not just that day, I was actually thinking a lot, about whatever I do and how to move ahead in life, since few months. Huuummm... so that final blow was the final nail in the coffin.
What I do now and how I do is out of the scope of this story, but m happy now and I feel absolutely no attraction for her. She won't love me either. Ya they are the hardest words to say but now its an ego issue and no one can be as egoistic as me. I say "okay" now.
P.S: okay == fuck off
