i havent switched on the music now, music affects my emotions. I wouldnt have minded the intrusion but the affect is almost temporary. fleeting. i get high trying to capture that feeling, the feeling when you see or listen to something beautiful, and it fills you with childlike awe about the thing, an awe which is happiness at seeing something so beautiful forged by other people. I like it when people do beautiful things, it makes misery look like such a wastefull occupation.
Getting high never really serves any purpose. i get high, for a short period of time i am awed by the songs on my laptop, and then i lose it. That feeling is fleeting in nature, a fickle mistress, and i always want it back.
I always liked learning new things and wondering about them.As a child i often wondered whether i was the only one who saw women as sexual beings. i was amazed and enthralled by their smells, by their long flowing hair, by their soft breasts. Till date i have never found anything as fascinating as a woman, and as i grew older and my understanding of the world deepened, they kept fascinating me more and more. i have oft wondered , theorised and mused over the intricacies of the female mind. i dont know why but i had always thought that women thought differently than me or other men, i just didnt know how. now i realise i couldnt have been more wrong, or more correct.
This is something that has quite frequently crossed my mind over the last few months. whether i over think things, or more precisely do i always want to overthink things, if i do overthink things that is. All this probably makes no sense to you dear reader, you probably publicly will mock what you are reading here, but to make things clear this is not written to or for anybody in particular. I just wish one day when i am older and wiser and not so wastefull i can look back in these pages and find the answers that i dont do now. Retroscpection is always a very handy tool. Like fire it can give you warmth and like fire it can burn you. Funny how i used that line in this context, i had originally heard it in context of women.
Women. how much they amaze me amazes me . I frankly am quite worried sometimes. I am not a cassanova or so i would like to believe, and neither am i too poor with women, or so i like to believe. i have had several what i think i should call relationships with women. most have not been platonic.
Why is there this tendency? this tendency to get involved with women, lie to them, listen to their lies and say more lies in return? i guess this has to do with the fact that with women you have the random chance of actually saying something honest.
Nowadays i find honesty increasingly harder to use in day to day life. Lying is comfortable, lying keeps you ready for their answers, lying gives you answers. being honest does not. being honest you can answer at best five or six of their questions , but while lying, i can answer them all.
Sometimes i feel, most times now a days really that i am not what i thought i was. i am not the deliverer of mankind. that realisation was painfull but it made me realise other things.
My mom told me the other day that my dad is a very simple guy, and that he is shocked into silence whenever someone says anything rude to him. that he is not able to comprehend how someone could say something that horrible to him. I was taken aback. I had realised i had this problem a yr and a half ago sort of, but i never realised he had it too. I feel now too much of a copy of my dads, which would be fine other than the fact that my wife would someday tell the same about me to my son, and if i am just a normal dad like my father is, my son wouldnt want to be like me. Ambition runs in our blood . Atleast in all the first borns.
I am the first born of my father who was the first born of his father, my late grandfather, who was the first born of his father, who was also supposedly the first born of his father. I am very proud of this fact. I have been running out of things to be proud of, but this will always be in my heart, il always know that this is something no one can ever deny me. i can always be honest about it.
I have been seeing a lot of movies lately and two of them really struck. one was "the diary of a nymphomaniac" which was about a sexually adventurous girl in search of her true destiny. This was not a porno. I loved it though. it was sad by itself, but i felt glad that the woman finally embraced her true nature. Though it leaves one question in my mind, and that is whether i would ever be able to be even friends with a woman like that? I am not judging her on her promiscous choices but do i have the frankness required to be with such a personality? would i not be easily enamoured by her beauty and start to want her all for myself? it would be very unfair to her , and i dont like being unfair.
The other was "the motorcycle diaries" which was about a 24 year old che guevera taking a road trip with a friend. the road trip is 12000 km long. watching it felt me with a lot of mixed emotions as most things usually do, but this was a bit different. I saw young guevera, or ernesto as he is called in the movie see things, see sufferings and injustice which changed him from the inside. I remember being changed too, and sometimes nowadays i feel that i did not really change as much as i should have or i would have been more carefull with my career. I hope i am wrong.So anyways i saw young ernesto and a part of me was also happy, maybe we all have different routes to our destinations, routes which are determined by choice and circumstance, but they are our personal routes. Maybe i am just mislaid and will find my path again. I think i am beggining to see it a bit more clearly now.
