I wanted to write but thoughts would not come to my mind. I kept listening to the music..............
I loved you, you made me, hate me.
You gave me, hate, see?.
It saved me and these tears are deadly.
You feel that?
I rip back, every time you tried to steal that.
You feel bad? you feel sad?
I'm sorry, hell no fuck that!
It was my heart, it was my life, it was my start, it was your knife.
This strife it dies, this life and these lies.
And these lungs have sung this song for too long, and its true I hurt too, remember I loved you!
This whole act of writing is difficult, really difficult. There was a time when i first begun to write. It was then that I begun to know myself, realizing my inner self, finding a motive for my life through it. Yet there are times when i find myself unable to pen down a single thing. Ideas come out of oblivion. This oblivion is deceiving. It is ruthless and untameable. I try hard to concentrate many a times, yet i find myself searching for one single thought. But it won’t come up. It is agonizing.
This whole path of learning to write has been most painful. Every time i put up thoughts on a piece of paper, i give a part of my soul to it. The heart grieves and shudders with pain. The emotions come alive out of the paper and continue haunting me all through the day.
It is only an irony that i have to pull myself out of my thoughts to get over with the emotions. The very thoughts that i wish won’t stop coming to me. The same thoughts, i wish would flood my mind. This life of putting what's on mind is grueling and exasperating. But then again nobody has forced me. I made this choice of choosing this life.
Thoughts come in all form; anger, remorse, sympathy, lust, love; until the mind is free. But, once the heart gets entangled to a single human, the thoughts get occupied by fewer emotions and the world begins to revolve around it. I tried to think rationally, yet, i could never come up with an answer to what is right and what is wrong.
Controlling and directing thoughts had never been what i had wished to do. I had always let my life be the way it is. My heart, my soul and my thoughts have been a free flowing river, meandering through forlorn paths, often encountering ecstasies of companionship, sometimes streaming through the solitary wilderness of the life.
Often, my mind measures, the state of the thoughts on different scales of excellence. But i try and put a lid to the rationalism because i have been like this ever since i have been into existence.
One cannot change the course of action; the future is not vulnerable to mind-works of a mere human like me. And what if it were? Would it have been as exciting, knowing one could always change its course? I guess the answer is no.
Yet again giving up on trying changing its course is giving up on fun of believing in oneself, believing that we can write our own destiny. All of these thoughts keep weaving a cobweb around my head. I fight to single them out and identify them as individual. Yet the chaos is likening. This process of fighting with my own chaotic mind is not exhausting it is rather rejuvenating. I can get up in the middle of night and work on getting my thoughts straight. There meanings straight.
I often wonder what i have made of myself or rather what i have let myself grow into. I find peace in chaos. I find pleasure in pain. I find ideas in suffering. I fall in love voluntarily to get hurt again and again because when the acute pain hurts everything goes numb. The world stops existing. In that very loneliness, i find it easy to read and decipher my own thoughts. Music plays in my ear, i can hear it and i can feel the flow of thoughts pacing up to the music.........
Seems like all we had is over now you left to rest.
And your tears are dried up now, you just lay without a sound.
Seems like all we had is over now, you left to rest.
And my fears are over now, I can leave with my head down.
I can feel the fingers rigorously typing at the same pace. Irrelevant thoughts, unprecedented thoughts all come flushing into the mind. This is the time when i find myself dunked into wisdom, heart stops playing the role. Cigarettes keep burning itself, with me taking not more than a drag or two on it. From other persons perception it might seem crazy but engulfing in itself is getting closer to humanity, getting closer to every emotion.
I can feel the anger venting through my nerve. For the loves i have lost and at the same time i can feel the love rushing through my heart. I can feel my eyes brimming with tears. The commotion of thoughts leaves me puzzled. I find it hard to identify whether these are tears of joy or pain. I call her bitch and then the next moment i call her darling.
I am as confused as these words seem. Jumbled words and jumbled life. Yet, they have a certain beauty to them. You know why, because these are crude thoughts, most natural, untouched, and never tampered with. As if they were some waterfall formed from a perennial river that refuses to dry, as if it had no glacial origin and no sea to end up. I feel like going with them and i have been. When i begun writing i had no idea what i would write about. But i have written a lot. It might all be trash, but not to me. There is something in them, something worthwhile for everyone or maybe not. But do i give a damn at this juncture, if it’s worthy of anything or not? No i don’t. I have met my goal i wanted to write. I wanted to vent my anger out, i wanted to vent my love out. I might not have succeeded but i feel better. Music still plays in my ears.....
I wish I could I could have quit you.
I wish I never missed you,
And told you that I loved you, every time I fucked you.
The future that we both drew, and all the shit we've been through.
Obsessed with the thought of you, the pain just grew and grew!
How could you do this to me?
Look at what I made for you, it never was enough and the world is what I gave to you.
I used to be love struck; now I'm just fucked up.
Pull up my sleeves and see the pattern of my cuts!
I've , Lost it all, fell today, It's all the same
I'm sorry oh
I'm sorry no
I've , been abused, I feel so used, because of you
I'm sorry oh
I'm sorry no
