Sleeping the whole day, half dreaming in real and half day dreaming. Feeling awkward and lost. Feeling so unlike yourself. Seeming any time your head will burst out. Feeling like an alien in the world of feelings. Thinking about a lot many things and yet thinking that your brain has stopped working! Feeling like a fish out of water. I don’t know what symptoms are these of, but I know that I really need a break! Break from this world, break from my work, I want to see the nature! I Am sick of being in one room, sick of same routine! For I get tired of things so early than others! I always want change in my environment! I hate to be like a robot! I hate the food I eat everyday! I hate the clothes I wear! I hate the way I tie up my hair! I hate the way I am being! … Yet, I go to sleep every night complaining about the things, and repeat the same every next morning! I am sick of being good! I am sick of being me! Now, it has started occurring to me that I had never been myself! IF I would have been, then I would not paid a damn care of what others feel! But I just cannot be that mean! For my heart and mind don’t coordinate in this kind of thinking! My heart is sick of bearing! And my mind is sick of thinking! Yet they don’t come to the point where I can be mean enough of just to take care of myself! I hate it!
Now, here there is difference between two things= caring about what other people think and caring about what other people feel!
Yes, I don’t care what they think, and at- least not what they think about me! IT is just that I don’t want to give anyone a bad feeling due to me.
I feel lost!
I don’t know where my heart is anymore, and I don’t know what my mind is planning for! I feel miserable! I feel like a child who is lost in the middle of huge crowd! I feel bewildered! I don’t know why!
May be I have not seen change since many days, therefore, or maybe I can carry on no more with the things I hate!!! I hate being a robot who works on the directions given by others! I am a free soul, and I will die alone! Those who make faces and who complain now, won’t be coming along with me when I will be leaving! They will always be here for the rest of their lives, doing whatever they want to! Why the hell on earth I care so much! I also know, the moment I Will finish with writing all this, no change will come in to me.. and I will just be a bit more relax and alive again to repeat the same things_ being good to those who don’t even know the meaning of goodness!
I certainly don’t want to make the readers think as “Oh, how innocent soul here is” or “how good the writer is” … I Am not! But we are always aware of what we do!
It may seem so simple to you = I Am a good soul… trying to be a strange one, but failing in everything!
But it is not as simple as it seems.. Being completely LOST is not so simple !!! IT is not something so straight! It is what take years to take yourself back! Take years to know yourself again!
But again, It is not the people who make me feel worse… It is always myself!
A totally negative piece of writing I may have ever produced… at the same time, I am hating it too… Because I don’t know since when I started thinking negative. What I have concluded is, “your surrounding affect you a great deal” …
