continued from http://www.writerbabu.com/post.php?post_id=843
I had left the story at a point which I never ever want to recall. So, the following 7 days were literally hell for me. People say it right that, "when it goes bad, it really goes bad", and I was just realizing it every single moment.
I was standing on ground after about 36-48 hours, wide awake, but absolutely clueless for what to do next. The chest pain was still there, I thought it must have been caused by this fatal heart break and I ignored it again. No one in hostel, I came down in the lawn, sun shining after mild rain shower. Weather was the only good thing I could see.
I checked my phone out of habit. No new message, adding a bit to the chest pain. I was numb. I came out of my hostel, suddenly recalled one of my friend needed to go to hospital for checkup. I knew he will not go alone. I reached his hostel and forced him to come with me using only sign gestures and some physical labour.
He was silent, I did not speak either. He knew what had just happened between me and Radhika. We went, we came back, only thing we discussed was that how a suicide attempt should be flawless because a failed attempt would hurt more. Though that discussion was an attempt to make the conversation light and funny but a part of me deep inside was still very serious.
I was back at my room. All I wanted was to go away into some forest or somewhere else, but somehow, the resilient me was making all kinds of resolutions to bring life back on track. I opened book of one of the subjects I had failed last semester. Determined to crack every single problem, I started off with full intensity. Every problem was like clearing IIT JEE. JEE was easy, I thought. Struggled with the practice problems for another four long hours but couldn't solve any. Pieces of my broken heart were crushed further. I was on my bed again with centre of pain shifted to my head now.
Phone rang and I jumped hoping it to be Radhika. Though mind said she would never contact me ever but heart as always had some issues with reality. It was a call from home.
One thing before explaining what happened with this call. Somedays ago my faculty mentor had had a very detailed discussion my dad regarding my extremely poor performance in academics. That has resulted in a little change of treatment I get from mom and dad. They were strict now. I had always been a very pampered child and this change of behaviour was strange, though not unexpected. They had gotten very strict about my routine that I get up early and sleep on time and study in between.
So today as I had been sleeping since almost last two days, the first question mom asked was, when did you wake up. I knew waking up at 12 noon meant that am being lazy again, but I was expecting a question like "what happened? is everything alright?". Infact I wanted that question from mom, even if I was not going to explain what's going on with me, but still, I wanted a soft voice that could ease my pain slightly. But that was definitely not my day.
I said 12 noon. And she was like "you don't study, and don't care about me. You don't love me". And she was very serious and actually very hurt by my behaviour. Any other day I would have argued with her or would have given her some imaginary reason, but today I was silent with tears almost ready to overflow. She told me she don't want to talk to me, and handed over phone to dad. Dad explained the importance to healthy routine in emotionless two lines and conversation ended.
I loved Radhika more than my life, but I loved my mom more than Radhika. Each time the words "you don't love me" echoed in my ear I sank into black hole of sorrow. I was feeling guilty of failing my parents. I was angry at myself for being so helpless, angry for all the time that is gone and I could never get back. Deep down inside there has always been a believe that whatever be the situation I can handle it, but today it was gone.
I remained motionless and finally slept again thinking all sort of things which I had never thought. I was a failure who has caused just pain and only pain to others and no one including my parents loved me. Radhika hated me. That is what I thought and kept on thinking. Though all fight between me and Radhika had happened on chat but I could literally see her saying those things, I could feel her pain inside me. I was guilty for loving her. I was feeling sorry for still being in this world. I don't remember when I slept but I woke up at around 4 in the morning. I was hungry.
I went to Jia Sarai, a place where one can have early morning tea and some other eatables. Its just by the side of our campus wall. I had some sandwich and tea. And I had cigarette. I can't say if my situation was the reason or just an excuse for starting cigarette but it felt good. And I felt bad. It was like being a bad person and it gave a sense of ignorance towards my situation. And I felt better.
I switched off the phone. I was feeling rebellious. I wanted to die. I wanted to be heard. I wanted to melt down Radhika and my mom. I thought my death will do so. For me they hated me, so I was hoping that they won't hate me after I'll die, as everybody seems to say and feel good things about a dead man. So I needed a plan. A flawless plan. And I had one. It was so lethal that I don't want to write it here. It could make humanity shiver. It was just so perfect to kill and no one can save me even if I had been even step into my plan.
People had started coming back from the break. I remained in my room one more day. My room mate had not returned. I realised it was some function in our hostel. The annual function of our hostel. A batch mate came to my closed door and asked me to get ready to take some award. My phone was still switched off. I realised it was not good for my solitude seeking soul to be there. I got up and got out of my room to go out of the now fully crowded hostel, but I had too many friends. Someone caught me. I had to had dinner with them. Then some other friends caught me. We had some random chat and then they were going to have some smoke. I accompanied them. I asked to have one. They offered me one. We finished and I bought one more. We went to Nescafe and had few more there.
I was returning from Nescafe and I saw Radhika coming back from my hostel with one of her class mate from my hostel. Urge to die increased some thousand times. I came back in my room, closed the door , ready to do what I had planned to do. I was numb. I was angry and done. I was very near my very last moments. I was fearless and destined to die. I heard some guys running in the corridor screaming "kisko daaru peeni hai? ...", repeating it couple of times. I thought "alcohol will make it little easier to loose myself ...", I came out of the room.
I came down searching for that guy who was screaming. And I saw a common friend of me and Radhika. He was coming toward me. I knew I had switched off my phone hence people might be looking after me. He told me he had some political issues with some guy and needed my help. I told him, am away from all these things but he wanted to talk outside my hostel for the same reason.
I was definitely not in mood to listen to his problems but still he managed to drag me till the hostel entry. It was around 12 midnight and the party was over, with few people moving briskly here and there to do some post party ceremony according to our 40 years old hostel traditions. I was still ready to die to make my point. All I wanted was tell him go so that I could rest in peace, but I was not in mood to argue.
We came out of hostel and I saw something. I have no words to express what it was like but yes, She was there standing outside waiting for me ...
And we lived happily ever after. Ofcourse not!! Story will go on ....
