continued from "My Side of Story : Chapter 1"
Where was I ? ummm ... So, after the breakup with Neha I was dealing with such a situation for the first time in life when I had to go through such kind of emotional turmoil. Before that only exam results were painful and that too could be overcome with a thought like "next exam" ... This was different. I had no clue what should I do and why m I feeling so sad. I was just in 2nd year into my B.tech.
This state went on for sometime and I had made up my mind that I won't let Radhika know about my feelings. What a fool. I started feeling uncomfortable in her presence, but we still had some random chats. I started writing short poems and little deeper meaning statuses than usual, everything was clear to her. Finally one day few of my closest 'friends' surrounded me from all sides and I was bullied to tell the name of that girl. This is exactly what friends are supposed to do. They did this job very well.
The biggest irony of being in love is that your common sense stops working when you need it the most. That happened to me one night. We were having a normal chat and I changed my status to a poem about a girl's eyes. I knew she will ask. I wanted to tell her, badly, what I am going through, but my stupid plan of not revealing my love to her was fooling me. I didn't expected a relationship or anything, I never imagined any future with her. It was just pure feeling without expectations. I liked her and that was the end of the story.
She asked. She asked who is this girl I am hiding from her with a tone of leg pulling. I didn't tell. She kept on asking, it was illogical for me too, to not tell my best friend who is this new girl in my life, unless she is that girl herself. I was trapped according to me. I started writing things in chat that even I couln't understand after few minutes. She was adamant that I tell her. Finally I bulged. I said lets meet at this place and I'll tell you in person. She refused. She said, " ..don't tell me, if you are not comfortable with it ..." I was feeling confused on all fronts.
Now I was persuading her to come to meet me. It was around 1 into the night. Now I insisted that I have to tell her. All that decision of not telling was gone in gutter for once and I decided to tell her everything and will explain that we can still be friends and other things, including that I don't expect a relationship or anything. After little more persuasion, she stopped responding on chat. I called her up but she was on another call. It took me not time to understand that she's talking to her friend Richa, her adviser-in-chief and it was about me.
I pinged her again after few minutes. She replied back, "kya ho gaya" . I asked "talking of Richa?" She returned affirmative. I was somehow sure that Richa is telling her to stay away from me. Without saying anything else, I said "Your friend is smart" , ... she sensed the sarcasm and she toppled at this tipping point.
She was furious and hurt all of a sudden. I could see her shouting through chat itself. "You backstabbing me" she said. "I understand everything" and "am not a fool" she added...and then she stated bluntly that she never had any such kind of intentions... and she won't talk to me ...that will get rid of my feelings ..
This was not an expected behavior from her. It was not like her. Suddenly she was a stranger. I was sad, very very sad, for backstabbing her. I truly believed what she said. I truly believed I have lost my best friend.
I got out of my room and I got out of hostel and started walking on the deserted campus roads. There were few students on campus due to ongoing mid semester break. It was the night of 7th April or morning of 8th April to be more precise. It was 2009. I walked and walked. There was a cool but strong breeze blowing out there with some smell of soil moistened by fresh rain. Dry tree leaves were floating in air making it a more dramatic setup all together.
I walked and walked and walked. I was in shock. Maybe I took it too intensely but I was shocked totally. I was walking and I was thinking. It was the single most beautiful feeling I had for anyone truly and that was a backstabbing now. The worst case that I had imagined was something like we reaching at a decision of not talking to each other after I reveal my feelings but in current situation I had broken her heart. I took away the friend on whom she depended so badly. I walked till morning that night.
Next day she pinged "why did you do this?" ... At first I jumped that she pinged but reading what she wrote I was buried under guilt again. She sounded sad. I said "bhool jao sab, lets stay normal", I knew was not possible now. With every word I was moving further away from her. I reasoned out why she should keep calm and everything will be alright. Ya, it was one thing I was repeating again and again.
She was angry and in the process she said few things which broke my heart completely and offended me to no end. We had one big fight. First time it really felt like a fight. All possibilities of getting back to normal was gone. I would never go back, all that I wanted now was a good bye, but that too seemed impossible now. Sadness crossed another level.
I slept next 2 days almost continuously.
to be continued ...
{describing the biggest blunders of my life, won't apologize for the spelling and grammar mistakes}
