My Nth Breakup

Well guys, here it is upon us. One more relationship gone down the drain. The two word phrase that inevitably follows the magical three worded one. "Break Up".

This is not a rant. I'l try not to make it one. Reflecting back , introspections , realisations and epiphnanies iv had enough to last me a lifetime.

You feel you are okay with being alone. You feel like you are done with dealing with other peoples' shit. God , you've got enough of your own to focus on. You've been in more relationships in 5 years than most people are in their whole lives. And you've watched yourself fail spectacularly at each one of them. You enter each one thinking this is it. This is gonna be magical.

And suddenly you are all alone again.

You watch movies and serials where the protagonist sits all by himself eating chinese and watching tv, no one for company and used to it. You realise you are doing the exact same thing. You smile at the "lonelinception" and you dig back into your bowl of noodles and whatever you are watching.

You listen to songs of relationships past on youtube, remembering each one of the girls you shared them with. You cant resist realising it again and again that each one of them has a unique song of her own. That for you those songs are so tied in memories to each of your previous girlfriends that they are intrinsically reflective of each one of their personalities.

You realise you felt alone with them too.

If you did not you wouldn't have so easily let them go.

That there was a disconnect so invisible, so deep buried in the layers of your first moments of intimacy, that when it came afront and struck you in the face, you thought it couldn't be real. It struck you and slapped you trying to wake up, but each time you just wanted to dream a little longer. It was just a matter time before those dreams turned into nightmares.

Then you realise its best they are no longer with you.You stalk them on facebook, and you fear you'l never stop stalking.You watch women on the street, and feel yourself turning into a lecher.

Fuck that, you will never turn into a lecher, you promise yourself. You look away. You dont look at others, You dont smile at others, always conscious of your own presence. You know how wrong you are going. You just dont want to take the chance of meeting anyone ever again.

You just want everything to be perfect again, but you know the magic is temporary, the maniac is you. For every relationship you touch you turn to dust.

So is it you?or is it them? Or is it just me?