My love and lust

There is a first time for everything, the first time we learn to walk, the first time we learn to speak and the first time we love or hate…I wasn’t such good in keeping memories but I remember some of my first times, the first time I fell in love in the warm summer evening, being 16 only I was a young stupid girl who fell in love. I grew up in a very orthodox family where talking to the opposite sex was looked down upon so being in love meant getting honor killed, I knew that very well but the world of forbidden love seemed fascinating to me. We were in love deeply or that’s what I thought. Love doesn’t care now does it? It was unconditional and I loved it that way. I loved being in love. I remember I met him every Wednesday after school as he would stand underneath the banyan tree and I would go up to him and smile stupidly and sit beside and talk about the days that followed and those which passed. He had something about him that stirred a fire in me from the start maybe it was that half devilish grin of his or those light blue eyes, or his whole existence? For I had loved unconditionally and nonetheless I can say I still love him. But what’s love without tragedy? My tragedy began on skipping school one day to go meet him, it was raining and his parents weren’t home and we planned to meet up. I was nervous very nervous for whenever we met we were at public places and this was well very much private as this time it was going to be us. I went in and then again I gave that idiotic smile of mine and he smiled back. I was nervous but he seemed calm. He sat me down and sat across the other couch and we began to talk about the usual things like t.v shows and movies but soon he asked me to come sit next to him, I was dumb but in love and like they say love makes you stupid I sat next to him, and then we began to talk again, I was very nervous and I know he knew because he kept giving me the devilish grin of his and handed me coke so I’d be a bit relax. If only I had known what he was up to I would’ve run from there immediately but I guess God has a plan for everything and this was his plan for me. I don’t recoil what happened next because it seemed to fade away but I remember at about 7 at night I woke up and there I felt myself lying on the floor, cold and in pain. I froze in horror as to gather what had happened to me and soon came to realize that all my dignity, respect and honor had been stripped away from my body and soul and I couldn’t save myself from the devil that wore an angel’s camouflage. I saw my dress lying next not far and got up to cover myself but it burned. The bruise inflicted on my soul was much more painful than the harm done physically to me. I had loved someone so unconditionally and this is what I got, for a love to hurt me so badly that the wounds of it never healed. I got up and started to dress myself but my anger and amazement at the same time wouldn’t let me cry and he walked in I saw him and our eyes met and the love and affection we once shared had vanished all of a sudden and I couldn’t recognize the man I saw before me, he wasn’t the lover I had the guy who I shared my inner secrets with or the guy who I loved with all my might it was rather a stranger who I never knew. His face was cold an emotionless and he knew that he had killed me from the inside. He came up to me and tried to hug me but I couldn’t let myself be touched by such a foul creature who ate up my whole existence and I backed away. I wanted to ask him why? Why was I the one? Why did he do this to me? What did I ever do to deserve this but I couldn’t speak up and picked my bag up and ran! Ran as fast as I could, I reached home and without greeting anyone went straight to my room and cried! Yes I know what happened to me and now all I could do was piss and moan at what my fate had twisted towards too. I don’t remember when I fell asleep but I did, I kept waking up in the middle of the night and cried and slept and cried and slept for I knew that I had lost something so precious of mine that could never be recovered. I got up at about 12 next day and called upon my mother who was worried as I had never sleep so much and was down with a fever so high that made everything fuzzy. He had stripped me off my honor and integrity, my whole existence at the age of 16 had vanished. It didn’t matter now for it was lost, the wounds could never heal. I gathered up the courage to dress up and get ready but under those dark circled eyes and rimmed glasses there now lay a dead soul who had departed from the world, who would never be coming back again. Nothing in the world could restore that jolly little girl that lived life to the fullest. I hated myself, despised my body and felt trapped. I needed to get out of it, his lust pierced a hole in my pure demise and now I had an imprint of him that would never leave. I wish I could build a time machine and go back in time and could change it but I know I can’t and soon enough I will get habitual to this feeling. He had it within him from the start that passion and lust which I saw as love. I know I can’t hurt him back for I had loved him and love doesn’t hurt back. I feel the remorse spreading in my bones, its running inside me. I have lord as my savoir and protector and I pray that he grants me the strength to fight this.