My ego, why is it so big ?
Since childhood, gulping down defeat has been so tough for me. I was never able to digest a loss in cricket match even after the next two. Thanks to my college life, my peers there incepted a term tolerance into me, though its insignificant sometimes, but, atleast they introduced it in me. I keep on checking my tolerance level. I keep on pushing it to further level. And not venting out these emotions very often has introduced me as a talkative personality to few closed ones and as a silent nerd to others.
So, now, when I am trying to let her go, my own ego comes in way of my prudent step. I just can’t gulp down the fact that I have failed in a relationship. I am trying to detach myself from her, not by heart now, but against my mind. Strange, it might seem to many. People fight with their heart: those lustrous and illogical feelings to stay away from someone. I don’t have such feelings for her, but, instead, my own ego stands in my way. I need to beat it down soon.
To make things tough, she is also one of those pendulum-heart girls. Swinging back and forth, again and again. My own ideology of being a good friend asks me to clear her mind up. And to let her know what’s best for her. And to ask her to stop being a pendulum. And instead, be a free girl. Become a broader mind.
It is always tough to be a big heart. It takes a lot more courage to actually forgive someone than to start a fight with the same. I have now forgiven her. It took some time actually. I thought of her as a big girl with wide open mind. She seemed to be able to at least develop one. But, her instability has questioned my “ability to forgive” several times already. Already, I have tested myself against those illogical and lustrous heart feelings. Only with time, I was now able to pass them.
Of course, forgetting her entirely is not an option available. Again, my ideology prohibits me to do so.
I happen to believe in the theme of believing/helping/maintaining friendship with your pal till the end, even when the relation happens to become unrealistic. The trust never asks for physical materialistic things, it is just another mental state. So, the current time asks me of lowering down my ego and help her out from the situation.
