You look into my eyes,
to see if I really understand the point
you are trying to put across.
I understand you;
each word defining itself in my head.
I try nod, but I flinch
from the strong gaze you are casting on me.
It isn't because I love
making a fool of myself.
Not because I am inattentive.
Just that, I don’t want you to discover
the insecurities that make
my each living minute hell.
I don’t want to let you have a peek
at my soul that’s tormented.
I do not want to let you know
that I am wasted inside and startlingly fragile.
I have endured to hide my weaknesses
and my pain;
I am not letting you make my efforts go waste.
I do understand- my inability to meet your eye
has already made you misjudge me.
I have lived through many a misjudgment,
will live through this one too.
I have learnt not to hate you for it,
as I have learnt to not hate myself for
my flaws.
I do not wish to hope you understand.
It wouldn't be in your capacity to know
the curse it is, to be socially anxious;
when walking among a crowd amounts to
living a nightmare.
When each day is a gruesome battle,
with uncertainty being your biggest enemy.
There is a constant need
to believe in myself when people like you don’t,
and instead cast doubt
on my character, my ability.
You must understand though,
what comes easy to you
might not to an unfortunate few.
But my silence is not my weakness,
as you make it appear;
it is my biggest strength.
Because when its broken,
the truth would be powerful enough
to shatter those thousand lies.
