[Act 1 Scene 1]
SECRETARY - Token number 1! you may go in!
(Tim goes inside)
LOVE DOCTOR - Hi! Love doctor here. Your name is?
TIM - Tim.
LOVE DOCTOR - Tim? got it! now take a seat please. Now tell me what's your love issue?
TIM - Sir I work at a software company and there's this really pretty girl-
LOVE DOCTOR - Hold it right there! software company right?
TIM - Yes sir.
LOVE DOCTOR - Oh, the one place where they make you sit in front of big box and tell you to type on and on and on the whole day?
TIM -Yes sir.
LOVE DOCTOR - Just like I forethought. I give you four categories: Apple, Microsoft, Windows and LG. Tell me about this girl and I'll tell you which category she falls in.
TIM - She defines beauty and elegance and-
LOVE DOCTOR - You had me at the elegance part. Now tell me, does she appear to you like that? or to everyone else who works with you?
TIM - You're right doctor, everyone around also.
LOVE DOCTOR - In that case she's Apple.
TIM - Is that good sir?
LOVE DOCTOR - To me Apple's the top category. Everyone likes it, everyone wants it really badly. But once they get their hands on it they deal with iTunes, WhatsApp, Safari, man it's complicated.
TIM - Does that mean it's bad love?
LOVE DOCTOR - Who said it's bad love? if you get to know the gadget properly then you'll know how to utilize it.
TIM - So I have to buy an apple product?
LOVE DOCTOR - Yes, wait no! no! that's not the point. Don't take things literally Tim, I was using Apple as an example.
TIM - Oh, I thought you were about to tell me to buy something for her.
LOVE DOCTOR - Ridiculous, you can't give a girl a present without knowing her properly.
TIM - What does it mean if I give her a present now?
LOVE DOCTOR - Puppy Love! you don't want puppy love do you? you need predator love.
TIM - R-Right.
LOVE DOCTOR - Now we've covered her, now onto you. How are you with love?
TIM - Never really loved anyone in the past.
LOVE DOCTOR - That's what they all say at school when they actually have a girl inside them.
TIM - I'm serious doctor. I really didn't.
LOVE DOCTOR - Hmm...let me test your level of love. Imagine yourself--waiting alone at the bus stop---on a bright sunny day---all of a sudden a hot shot comes to you asking if you can drop her---what will you say?
TIM - I'll say---I don't have a bike or a car---Carry on!
LOVE DOCTOR - Oh god! fine let me rephrase. Now you have a bike---and you're at the bus stop alone on the same bright sunny day, smoking.
TIM - No sir! I don't smoke!
LOVE DOCTOR - Fine you're drinking Soy milk alright?
TIM - Better.
LOVE DOCTOR - You're drinking soy milk at the bus stop on a bright sunny day with your bike on hold---all of a sudden that same hot shot comes to you on her bike and asks you whether she can drop you--what will you do?
TIM - No worries, I have a bike---Carry on!
LOVE DOCTOR - (Slams the table) You don't get where I'm going with this do you? let me give you a different case scenario. You're watching a movie at the cinemas-
TIM - Is it PG rated?
LOVE DOCTOR - It's baby rated alright! now listen to me, you're watching a movie with the same hot shot---at the cinemas---and here's the catch---no one's watching the movie except you and her---what will you do?
TIM - (Gets a bit excited) Really? there isn't anyone except me and her?
LOVE DOCTOR - Yes, now what will you do?
TIM - I'll go up to her..
LOVE DOCTOR - Yes yes go on!
TIM - Close up to her face and...
LOVE DOCTOR - Go on! what will you do?
TIM - Tell her this movie is boring and ask her whether I can sleep on her shoulder.
LOVE DOCTOR - (Pissed and slams the door) God darn it Tim! what's wrong with you? do you really expect me to help you get your girl?
TIM - Why what happened sir is there anything wrong?
LOVE DOCTOR - Did you grow up with a Biology Textbook or what?
TIM - N-No sir.
LOVE DOCTOR - Thank you. (Calms down) by the looks of it your case is pretty serious. Your girl by what you've told me is 10 times ahead of you when it comes to love, you are way behind her. If you don't get back on track with her she'll snatch someone else pretty soon.
TIM - What do you suggest I do doctor?
LOVE DOCTOR - I'll give you a Love guide for your stage.
TIM - Okay Doctor.
LOVE DOCTOR - But..you have to pay me $300 in advance to get it.
TIM - What?? in that case I don't want it.
LOVE DOCTOR - You have no choice, did you really think you were having a free appointment with this doctor?
TIM - Well yes and...hold on a second! the fee for the appointment is the guide?
LOVE DOCTOR - Yes.
TIM - What if someone wants an appointment with you but doesn't want the book because he's mastered everything already?
LOVE DOCTOR - I take my stethoscope out and slam him on the face for wasting my time when I could be dealing with people in need.
TIM - I still don't get it, anyone could just go to the library or book store to buy this guide.
LOVE DOCTOR - No they can't.
TIM - Why not?
LOVE DOCTOR - I'm the author, and these books are by me, and are only sold here.
TIM - What the hell? you mean to tell me this isn't the clinic?
LOVE DOCTOR - Of course it is, this is just a new style of business.
TIM - Why?
LOVE DOCTOR - Go to every other clinic. They make you sit down on a chair and ask you like a teacher what your problem is, you have to tell them that you have this and that and after wards the doctor checks if you're right and tells you what medicine you need.
TIM - Your point is?
LOVE DOCTOR - Other boring clinics give medicine, I give Love guides. Saves time for me and the patients to work out every possibility in the guide.
TIM - But won't that end you up not working for a few days or so?
LOVE DOCTOR - (Whispers) he's onto us, secretary! get the bills ready.
SECRETARY - Okay sir.
TIM - Huh?
LOVE DOCTOR - Nothing. Now back to your issue, pay up $300.
TIM - I didn't bring it in cash.
LOVE DOCTOR - Hold it right there, trying to escape from me with the same excuse like everyone else? No! not in my house, here (takes out his credit card machine).
TIM - What's that?
LOVE DOCTOR - Credit card machine.
TIM - C-Credit card machine!
LOVE DOCTOR - What happened? shocked? many people who come see me give me the same excuse, they don't know who they're up against. I'm always prepared, everyone carries their credit cards around. Now chop chop! pay up!
TIM - (Grouchy and pays up).
LOVE DOCTOR - Thank you very much! nice doing business with you!
[Act 1 Scene 2]
LOVE DOCTOR - Secretary!
SECRETARY - Yes sir?
LOVE DOCTOR - Here's Tim's receipt.
SECRETARY - Oh that, got it.
LOVE DOCTOR - Don't forget to draw all the money at the end of today. It's amazing how people have money for shopping but not for these type of cases!
SECRETARY - Got it, Token number 2! you may go in!
LOVE DOCTOR - Hi! sit down please. Now what's your case?
FRANK - I always have a big heart when it comes to love doc.
LOVE DOCTOR - Do you have a small heart when it comes to other things?
FRANK - No doc, I mean in general I have a big heart when it comes to love.
LOVE DOCTOR - Oh okay, get to the point. Who is this regarding?
FRANK - Holly, she works at the convenience store. From the day I saw her, I would never stop visiting her store.
LOVE DOCTOR - Ah I see where this is going. This is one of those "Doggy" cases.
FRANK - Doggy case? but I don't have a dog.
LOVE DOCTOR - Oh god! when I mean doggy case I mean you follow the girl to where she works or hangs out frequently.
FRANK - Oh it's like that. You're right doc, she doesn't notice the fact that I've been visiting her store more frequently.
LOVE DOCTOR - I see, how long have you been following her?
FRANK - 4 years.
LOVE DOCTOR - 4 years! are you kidding me?
FRANK - What happened, is it wrong?
LOVE DOCTOR - Is it wrong? of course it's wrong! have at least spoken a few words with her?
FRANK - Yes doc. I ask her how things are going, about the game last night-
LOVE DOCTOR - Get to the point, have you at least asked her out?
FRANK - I have sir, but she keeps on rejecting them for some reason.
LOVE DOCTOR - Rejecting them huh? does she still have a good impression of you?
FRANK - Yes doc, she's never raised her voice. Not even once with these matters.
LOVE DOCTOR - I see, what type of excuses does she give?
FRANK - This one time I asked her out to watch a movie, she said she's going to school to have a chat with the teachers. Another time I asked her out to watch a concert, she said she's busy spending time with her family. This other time I asked her out to hang at the beach but she said she's going back to Canada with her family.
LOVE DOCTOR - Oh no no no no! this is very wrong!
FRANK - What's wrong doc? did I screw up?
LOVE DOCTOR - Of course you did! does she wear a ring?
FRANK - Your right doc! she does. It must be really expensive.
LOVE DOCTOR - You're done with! it's all over.
FRANK - What do you mean doc?
LOVE DOCTOR - You and your love with her! can't you see the problem?
FRANK - No sir, I--really can't make out.
LOVE DOCTOR - She's married you scarecrow! can't you tell?
FRANK - She's married? nonsense! how can you say something like that?
LOVE DOCTOR - First of all I'm a love doctor. Second of all her excuses are quite obvious! her first excuse about going to school was probably because she wanted to talk to the teachers about how her kids are doing.
FRANK - What?
LOVE DOCTOR - Her second excuse about spending time with her family, she probably wanted to spend time with her husband and kids.
FRANK - Husband and kids? how can that be? it could be her parents and siblings too!
LOVE DOCTOR - ehem, how old are you?
FRANK - 28.
LOVE DOCTOR - How old is she?
FRANK - Hmm... 1 or 2 years older than me maybe.
LOVE DOCTOR - Ha! you see? would any 30 year old girl want to spend time with her parents at this age? they all get married by the age of 26.
FRANK - Your point is?
LOVE DOCTOR - She's definitely talking about spending time with her husband and kids!
FRANK - (Groans)
LOVE DOCTOR - Her third excuse is about her-
FRANK - I get it doc! I get it! no need to make me cry more!
LOVE DOCTOR - Cry? please don't, please....
FRANK - (Cries in an embarrassing way)
LOVE DOCTOR - (Pissed) Oh god...
[Act 1 Scene 3]
FRANK - (Crying in an embarrassing way)
LOVE DOCTOR - (Pissed)
SECRETARY - Sir your coffee.
LOVE DOCTOR - Thank you, I need one.
SECRETARY - Is everything alright?
LOVE DOCTOR - What does this look like to you?
SECRETARY - A crying walrus sir.
LOVE DOCTOR - Exactly, you know how long this walrus has been crying for?
SECRETARY - 10 minutes sir?
LOVE DOCTOR - No not even close, 40 minutes.
SECRETARY - 40 minutes?! what happened?
LOVE DOCTOR - This poor walrus didn't know he was hitting on a girl who's already married.
SECRETARY - Oh, poor thing.
LOVE DOCTOR - I would be in the same state, but no not crying for an hour I tell you.
SECRETARY - Sir please stop crying.
FRANK - (Cries even louder)
SECRETARY - Sir-
FRANK - (Cries even louder)
SECRETARY - Sir-
FRANK - (Cries even louder)
SECRETARY - Sir if you would just-
FRANK - (Cries even louder)
SECRETARY - Oh god, sir my temper has already reached its limits. How can you take it?
LOVE DOCTOR - Let me get one thing straight, I'm a doctor. I'm supposed to deal with these creeps. If I can't deal with them then I'm not a doctor. I'm just an LBBS graduate.
SECRETARY - What's LBBS?
LOVE DOCTOR - Bachelor of Love and Bachelor of S--, you know what I mean don't you?
SECRETARY - I see, I'm going to stay 5 meters away from you now onwards.
LOVE DOCTOR - Oh come on don't think of me like that, I'm not doing it am I. I'm just helping these aliens do it, I can do what you were thinking like every other confident person in the world.
SECRETARY - (Awkwardly) Okay, I'm going to be at H&M to buy extra clothing to cover myself up.
LOVE DOCTOR - But you're already dressed.
SECRETARY - Well, it's a chaotic city out there. Extra security!
LOVE DOCTOR - Okay then, on your way out drag this loser out of my office.
SECRETARY - I'm on it.
LOVE DOCTOR - If he stays here for another minute my office will turn into an aquarium.
(Secretary drags him out)
[Act 2 Scene 1]
SECRETARY - Token number 3! you may go in!
LOVE DOCTOR - Hi, how may I help you?
WILKIE - Doc I don't have any major love issues.
LOVE DOCTOR - Then why the hell are you here?
WILKIE - Girls come to me all the time. We hang out, watch movies, we even go for holidays with others. I've had girlfriends and it's been a good run, the problem is proposal.
LOVE DOCTOR - Proposal? are you serious? you're like the size of Dwayne Johnson. You can okay girls but not propose? astounding!
WILKIE - Please doc don't say that. Once I propose they either run away or say no.
LOVE DOCTOR - Oh so you can propose. Let me see, yeah I'm not getting it. How can this be? this is totally out of the love theory.
WILKIE - I know right? the girls like me and love to hang out. But when I propose to them for marriage they reject me. I just don't see why.
LOVE DOCTOR - Hmm...need to think deeper for this case. How many girlfriends do you have?
WILKIE - 15.
LOVE DOCTOR - 15! oh Jesus! who's your mama?!
WILKIE - Doc the problem is that they accept my proposal to be their boyfriend, but they reject me to be their life partner.
LOVE DOCTOR - Life partner huh? wait that's it! maybe they don't want their husband to be a hunk like you.
WILKIE - But doc they like me so much, I don't even act like a bully or an idiot. I just appear as a Hunk.
LOVE DOCTOR - Gosh this is hard to figure out. Okay let's do it like this, when you propose to your girlfriend how do you propose?
WILKIE - Like any other person doc. "It's been a great run being with you, I can't imagine spending a day without you. If I do spend a day without you, I feel a piece of my heart has gone missing. What I'm trying to say is that, will you marry me?" and then they either say no or run like a mad bull dog.
LOVE DOCTOR - I just don't get it, your approach and proposal looks just fine. Wait you said you have 15 girlfriends right?
WILKIE - Yes doc.
LOVE DOCTOR - Maybe it could be that you rush each proposal too quickly. You could be proposing to one girl and when she rejects you move on to the next girl. This makes the feel go away.
WILKIE - No doc I don't rush the proposal for each girl. Once I get rejected I remain sad for the next 2 months, accept the rejection and move on to the next girl. They don't notice it.
LOVE DOCTOR - This is pretty strange, perhaps all your girlfriends took a shot of vodka before your proposal.
WILKIE - They don't drink doc, they're very decent.
LOVE DOCTOR - Oh god, I'm going to go mad with this case. What could it possibly be? wait hold on, I forgot to ask what your name was.
WILKIE - My name is Winnie, Winnie Wilkie.
LOVE DOCTOR - Winnie Wilkie?! oh, Oh I see the problem.
WILKIE - What is it doc? please tell me?
LOVE DOCTOR - Do you really want to? you may regret it.
WILKIE - No please tell me, this is my life. Do I have to change my body language, my accent, my hobbies or my diet?
LOVE DOCTOR - Change your name, that's the problem.
WILKIE - My name? what's wrong with my name. Winnie Wilkie sounds good to me.
LOVE DOCTOR - Your first name suits a honey bear, not a hunk. Your last name is...disturbing to say.
WILKINSON - But how's my name going to affect my chances of marriage?
LOVE DOCTOR - Do I really have to mention these small things? once you get married your wife has to change her last name to your last name. Just think: Hello Mrs. Wilkie! Mr. Wilkie went down the milky wave! yuk!
WILKINSON - What do you suggest I do?
LOVE DOCTOR - Change your name or forget it.
WILKINSON - No doc, I won't forget it. I'll change my last name.
LOVE DOCTOR - Good, now pay up your fee.
WILKINSON - How much doc?
LOVE DOCTOR - $300
WILKINSON - $300! are you serious?
LOVE DOCTOR - Hello? you're going to change your last name. That's a big thing, better than taking antibiotics isn't it?
WILKINSON - I guess you're right.
LOVE DOCTOR - Cash or credit?
WILKINSON - Credit.
(Swipes the card)
WILKINSON - Okay so I have to change my last name, how do I do it?
LOVE DOCTOR - Take my Love Guide: Volume 3.
WILKINSON - (Reads the cover) Changing names, you have books for every problem?
LOVE DOCTOR - Well of course, I'm a doctor. Not the lazy librarian across the street. Go through the list of last names and pick one which best suits your personality and first name. Don't pick the first 3 last names!
WILKINSON - What are the first 3 last names?
LOVE DOCTOR - Freightrain, Mallet and Bolbie.
WILKINSON - Disgusting! why did you put them in?
LOVE DOCTOR - Hello? this book isn't made specially for you! it's also for the others. It could suit them but not you.
WILKINSON - Will everything work out well?
LOVE DOCTOR - Of course! you want me to prove it? when you propose with your new last name they'll take 2 seconds to say yes.
WILKINSON - What's the 2 seconds for?
LOVE DOCTOR - For them to take a frying pan and hit you on the head! what else do you think it's for? just go! that's their issue not yours!
(Wilkie leaves)
LOVE DOCTOR - Narnias.
