It feels like wearing a thick wet blanket in a cold winter, not quite sure if I like it though. winter brings warmth to my troubled soul. Escaping that to a coastal city was never an idea I would appreciate.Yet here I am. A lost soul in a stranger's paradise. Being lost had always been a comfort to this wanderer. Attached with no expectations nor responsibilities, a sense of freedom possess me. I always considered myself as one of the one percent of people who go unnoticed, even in the most curious crowded streets. The one percent that never come under anyone's radar, the ones that are most uninteresting and boring. Living in the shadows of the many who are different, talented, funny or even good looking, we just hide and let the seconds tick by. This is no rant, Its just a choice of life, a way of living. A brilliant one I would say. This choice is not always a result of cowardice, Many such people have a resolve that backs that choice. I had too.
"Does it matter?" I used to ask myself. "Humans are flawed creatures. Every principle is undone, every rule is broken, a person yesterday is not the person today". "How would one ever truly trust?". Days went by, my habit of observing people and their choices never changed. as time went by, the city helped me to realize, principle and rules of an individual doesn't actually change aimlessly but one improvises it based on one's experience. There is a direction to it. Perhaps misdirected, yet it had a direction. So people started to seem predictable. A little more trust worthy than I felt before. I am still not confident enough to trust another completely, but people whom I know, whose life I am a part of, I brought myself to trust them. There still is a part of me that hates myself. This city of strangers gave me an opportunity to expose my weak spots. To outlive the embarrassing conversations, and humor that I try on them. It helps me improve upon my distorted conversation skills. Knowing that they wont be remembering me and the fact that I will never be seeing them again boosts me to try out my week skills and grow. Maybe that is why I feel comfortable around strangers. A walk towards an unknown direction put a sense of path in my mind if that makes any sense. I am not sure how much I improved however, I sure did make some memories in this humid city. I think its all still worth it....travelling so far away from home.
