One of the most important things to have in life is clarity which is the most difficult to find and even harder to hold on to.
There are way too many arbitrary variables in an average human’s life. To imagine how many I have, considering that I consider myself to be beyond average/“normal”, is painful.
Too many people; too many relationships; too many comparisons; too many misunderstandings; too much expectation, some from me… many mine; too many ambitions; too much analysis; too many advices… some terrible regrets that I constantly remind myself are not to be regretted as they make me who I am…
How on earth am I still alive I wonder…
I was born gold, moulded with time into a rock to be forever tested on rocks till there is nothing left..
I have never really been constant in opinion and mood and never tried justifying it… change is constant and very frequent in my life and I am unwilling to be sorry for trying to fight whatever and whoever comes close to changing anything about me, my only unceasing, my only glue holding me together…
I cannot deny though that I am concerned that off late my reactions and conditions have been erratic… I am losing control and I cannot live like that… I have been cutting out and fighting any relationship and thought that threatens to be a weakness… guess that the gold rock is scraped to right about half, very near to the soft core… and I am exceptionally picky and touchy and afraid…
After all once my core is lost, what will I be really??
Feels like i am fighting a battle destined to be lost..
Cant help but wonder if i am the author of my own chaos...my defeat...
