I am in 10th class .
I begin my classes with enthusiasm and with great zeal. I know what were my shortcomings. I know my level of understand, my grasping speed , my ability in different subjects . I know maths is something i want to work on . I know english i can ignore the whole year. I know science wont be a problem thanks to a tutor. And i start studying early in my summer vacations. I set a desired percentage and worked to attain it. The percentage was in a bracket which is achievable and graceful enough to shout loud enough and shut their mouths.
Half year gone i know i have done good. Maths i have focus upon ,and science i gradually breeze through thanks to my tutor again. Geography and history have taken a backseat lost in oblivion. Though i would come to it later when i see the emergency. Oh yes and hindi , that is my mother tongue and i take it for granted. However it would prove fatal and brutally attack me.
Time came and went. Days ,weeks and the whole year went waiting for the D-Day. Anxious parents and irritating relatives along with nosy neighbors had kept on their enquiries as if discussing a bill in parliament. What will you choose ,what will u do..etc. Keeping control on my nerves was the best thing happened to me; all the credit to the parents who were calm all along the year having their faith in me.
An arduous month long journey completed and i got more than i wanted or i deserved ,i do not know. But me and the parents were overjoyed.
Along came news of children committing suicide. I never read their stories ,drunk in my accomplishment and planning the future. Or i should say getting out of the frying pan and jumping into the the fire.I took the hardest subject with dreams in my eyes ,expectations on my back and eyes in the sky ,ready to ride on the ladder for future with high ambitions.Somewhere in the accomplishment i forgot what i had known at the start of the journey. My level , my being, my self. I had been lost .
Thus started the two tumultuous years ,the most harrowing and toughest time of an academic life which one can bear. I was blown away .Words are limited expressions unlimited to describe it. And cannot say how it went.
Dreams started turning to dust , ambitions squandered ,i fell face flat on the ground. Maybe i was running very fast. I completed the 12th class with required marks needed for further studies , but it left a blot on my character ,my self-esteem . I cried ..by god i cried .For days . Family ..parents were there ..or i would jumped ..i had a swimming pool in my school. Rather a less painful ,refreshing way to die. I survived the phase and did best i could.
The solution is not always in dying . Living can be hard. It comes at an expense. Depression comes along. Self loathing accompanied by guilt and self pity. Living for the people you love is the way to live.
P.S. Heard Jiah Khan killed herself at young age of 25. I mean she could have been a girlfriend or wife of a guy around my age.
Partially dedicated to the students who kill themselves every year. And leave the parents who live Pseudo-Zombie lives afterwards.
And ofcourse Written for the readers of writer babu.
