There is this girl. This CHAOTIC yet CALM, EFFORTLESS yet BEAUTIFUL, DOMINATING yet UNDERSTANDING girl having her own set of flaws. I know her since a month or two but it still feels like I have known her for ages. The guy who used to keep his fears, his frustration and his restlessness to himself is now a prisoner of her eyes, a prisoner of her voice, a prisoner of her. I never wanted to share my emotions and frustration with anybody, ever. But with her, I feel like I can tell her everything and anything without even thinking twice. I trust her. I trust her with all that I have.
I met her on the inception of a 3 year long journey. A journey which I thought I would travel alone. But maybe it was in my destiny to meet a "GEM."
My life has always been a battle that I could never win. But when she is around I feel that I can win all those battles that I couldn't win. She taught me how to appreciate people. I always cared about myself, I was always self-centred and arrogant. But I don't know why I choose to lose when she decides to win. Maybe because all I want is her happiness.
Maybe I rushed it a bit or maybe she was not meant to be mine or maybe she is still in love with him.
I decided to say her that " I Like Her" and I wrote her a letter spilling down the feelings I had and still have.
The Result?
"This is too much of importance that you gave me. Trust me main itni achi bhi nahi ki itna affection deserve karu. Bas yaar I am in a messed up space ye Relationships ko leke. And I am not at all focusing in that dimension. The thing is not you because you are amazing just the way you are ! (No lies) bas I am in a different direction. Rest I am there for you always....your 3AM friend if you allow me to."
Yes ! She refused. She refused my feelings.
I was shattered, I slapped myself till my hands became numb. I cried for hours. I didn't eat ,sleep. Maybe it was my ego that got hurt. Maybe at that time all that bothered me was my own happiness. So like any other guy, I replied that I don't want to be your friend. Let me cry in peace.
I was out for some work for a week after that day. Maybe destiny wanted me to realise that I cannot afford to lose her. I cried for 2 days and realised that I don't want to lose her. I called her later that night and appologised. I was feelig better than before but I couldn't ignore the fact that she never liked me, that she never wanted me, that I was just a friend (and maybe at this moment too).
But unlike other guys I doubled my efforts to know her, to make her mine, to make her feel what i felt.
Its been a month since the day I proposed her and I am still in the process of learning her.
You tried to make me feel loved eventhough you never loved me. I appreciate whatever you do for me
( sadly as a "friend").
You always ask me why am I always feeling low. Let me tell you that You're always on my mind be it a busy day with lot of people around me or when no one is around. I feel low after knowing the fact that you are not here forever, you will never be mine (trust me I am crying while typing this) and learning this fact makes me feel frustrated, sad and all the emotions in flash of a second.
I know even If I say "I love You" today, tomorrow or on any other day, you will say "NO" , but i still want you to know that I do Love You and I don't say I love You until I am 100% sure. Trust me it is not fake. It is true, raw and untouched.
I want you to know that You've always made me feel special. Although I couldn't give back enough. I am Sorry ! But trust me even if I move on in life I will never forget you. You have become a part of this Dhakkan's life.
I know You will never be mine. You will be somewhere else 1 year from now. This really makes me wanna cry. But I won't because love has taught me one thing- Your happiness is my priority. Maybe you are afraid to love me. Maybe you don't see your future with me. Maybe you think love is a mess. But you know what , all I wanted was you and I will wait for you ! I can only hope that one day you'll love me back.
I Love You !!
This might end up as just another Sad one-sided love story but trust me all I want is your happiness because Your smile is the prettiest.
With Love
DHAKKAN
