Its funny to think back in time now, you know like in movies. To think how things could have turned out differently . however i wouldn't like to blame myself entirely, how can i ? i wasn't even sure if it was love or just some crazy infatuation. It hurts to visualize now , that time, when even his voice brought an instant smile to my face, it had to ability to turn even my worst days into better ones. Even today i am filled with grief at the thought that now, he might be in a relation with some x y girl and here i am stuck at the same junction.its not just remorse but anger ,why couldn’t have i confessed my feelings to him. There was so much of time back then. You know there is some saying, if you do not respect time, then time will not respect you. Probably thats what happened in my case.i never thought that the distance between us would unmeasurable and that it would make me insecure to think that he is in that distant land and may not even remember me.how could have i ignored the signs, the connection !!
It all started in 2004, when my mom was transferred to Chennai from delhi. I was an ordinary 10-year old. I couldn't figure out the impact that this order would have on my life. Frankly, i was quite pissed with my schoolmates back home and hence maybe i was glad. The initial transition was wonderful. A new city along with its new people and their age-old culture and tradition. It was quite exciting. Since i was from the north, i was treated like this shiny new toy. I liked my teachers, they were kind and nice to me, same with the students, maybe this was because my cousin was studying in the next section, i was glad. Although i don’t think we met a lot during school hours. But i remember him often introducing me to his friends as his ‘behn’, sister. It felt nice to be acknowledged for a change. Soon, people also came to know me as his cousin, which did spark some curiosity,to say.
I have absolutely no clue as to how and when it all started. I only remember this strong attraction towards him. As fate would have it, he was in my class right from the year i joined this school. Soon enough, there grew this need, desire to be noticed by him. I hate that moment when i think of my cowardice. It may be appropriate to assume that otherwise i tried to be a big-shot in any given opportunity. Hence it disappoints me why wasn't i ever brave enough to tell him how i felt. Probably i was scared, what if he did not feel the same way about me? I was old enough to be aware of the difference between movies and reality. I knew there wasn't always a happy ending. However i hoped that there was light at the end of this tunnel, that all wasn't lost. Maybe it was the fact that i never heard any rumours of him being linked to anyone else.
Well, to describe him, i wouldn't say that he was a replica of a prince charming, however i didn't give a damn. He was my knight, thats all that mattered. I didn't care what people said. In Fact they teased us for quite some time you know, how they link a guy and a girl in school and tease them, That was more than enough for me. Although we were teased for our contrary characteristics. Well, he was quite tall and lanky and i, well you can say somewhat the opposite. Yet , the major difference was our voice. Now, i was considered to have a very sweet voice(i think i still do), on the other hand he was mocked for his voice. Some said his voice was hoarse and others said he croaked like a frog(too harsh, i know). Well, it didn’t bother me. Fates had played their game very well. In addition he was an excellent sportsman, soccer or basketball, he was the best. What else did i want? Though he wasn't exactly good in studies, i didn’t seem to mind, you see i wasn't exactly a topper either. As time passed, there were other linkages, a few crushes, but no one was good enough to blow off the old flame. I would also like to confess, initially i had this concept that in this land of tamilians, i would be blown off my feet only by a north-indian guy. I believed that no south-indian would be good enough for me. This assumption of mine as you know by now was shattered off quite early.
It saddens me to think why did fate have to separate us like this,after all these years of hope? Was it a way of saying that i had the lost of opportunity and that all hope had been lost. Maybe that was the end, the bitter truth, but i wasn't gutsy enough to face it. He left our school after eleventh. That was the end of our journey, i hardly saw him anymore the next year. It was Boards, so naturally my focus had shifted. Soon it was college time. I had no news of him. My mom had been transferred, this time to the north-east. Hence i decided shifting my base to delhi for graduation. I guess had enough of the south. Within 6 months my dad got transferred to Bombay and it was time to bid a permanent adieu to Chennai, along with a mix of happy as well as sad memories.
Then, one day, two years later, i decided to search him up on Facebook (i think i took this initiative after returning from watching Chennai Express, which might have rekindled old memories). After some initial struggle, i succeeded. I was heartbroken to know that he had moved to a foreign destination for his graduation. I stalked him for some time. Later, with a lil help from a good friend, i decided to send him a friend request. i was almost sure that he wouldn't accept it(note- i think he had blocked and unfriended me earlier from another account, for reasons unknown). Trust me i hadn't done anything illegal or psychic.
Every 2nd or 3 rd day i would check my account for progress, with no results. Luckily, after a week i was jumping with joy after my request had been accepted. My concerned friend although said that it was pointless, since there was no future, there was a distance of miles between us. Also he was with a girl in his DP this time, who was south Indian btw(ARGHH..). my friend comforted me by saying that she was only a friend apparently she could say that by their body language(GOD KNOWS!).
So, from then on, i have tried to get over him and move in life. I have stopped checking his profiles. Frankly, i am sick of constantly hallucinating about him. I just cant help it, its just so surreal. Yet, i am left heart-broken when i wake up into a reality without him and far different from those pleasant dreams.
