It's raining outside...
Just like yesterday;
and the day before that.
But today it's raining heavily...
I like when it rains heavily; it breaks the silence... Silence which you know it is there but you just pretend the noise.
The collective sound of those raindrops; which creates music, every time it hits the ground, a car, that statue at the corner of the street.
It acts like a shield on your consciousness ; which in other case could be going out of control.
But still I can feel the silence.
The Silence in presence is much more dark and twisted than the plain and thin in the absence.
I don't wear wrist watch while eating.
Even if I had now; I could have heard that ticking sound.
Tick tick tick...
It grows slowly..
Continuously...
Systematically..
Like a virus.
It crawls.
I can clearly get the sound of her spoon which hits the plate and picks up the rice.
Just like one of those construction tractors which collects and dumps; Mechanically.
"Do you want more rice...?"
I asked her without looking into her eyes; as usual.
I could see her image from the bowl which is lying between me and her.
" No..."
She replied back; looking straight into my eyes. Like always.
I couldn't lift my head as it's heavy.
She finished and went inside.
I am still struggling with my plate; whatever that I have in it.
Staring at her door, I stuffed the dead food inside me.
It wasn't always like this; never it was.
We easily get used to; so as I did.
I did my best; I think.
Putting these dishes in the sink makes noise. Actually I'm purposely making it. It' s one of my attempts to create a moment; hoping she would come, aside me, taking the charge, does the justice to the sink. But today the sink is stuck with me.
Here we go sink ;take it.
I don't smoke,
I don't drink,
I don't roll...
Actually I wanted to roll once; watching my boss doing but it never went on floor.
So since I couldn't do all these I have to solely battle it out with my
consciousness which keeps taking me to these places. Places and time which I've left behind. Far...far behind. Sitting in this balcony and watching these raindrops showering over the city; I can initiate, move ahead and extend my hand, my fingers to feel the mist. I know it will be the best thing which can happen to me right now. My happiness was never defined by usual books. As I can turn my head to the right corner, her door is still locked.
I guess one of us is deceased.
Not so long back, as the corpse seems fresh. As fresh as a frozen yogurt in that supermarket; but even the frozen yogurt comes with an expiry date.
I don't want an expiration date.
I never thought of such.
It scares me.
The intimacy which we used to share is fading; but not entirely wiped out.
May be I should initiate...
May be I should extend my hand...
May be I should open my fingers not to point at her but to touch her; as gentle as possible. Like we touch a newborn, with care and Love.
May be I should fight...
Fight for what's mine..
Fight for what I had believed; a long time back when there wasn't so much traffic. Traffic of thoughts, decisions,responsibilities, desires and dreams.
This traffic made me change my routes..
I thought i smartly made my way through; actually I did. But the fuel turned out to be costly; it was always.
Now that since I've traveled so ahead on this route an U-turn can't be a wholesome solution. After all the road that I've traveled has given me fine souvenirs; some of them were worth back then till now...
Now staring at this black sky.....
What....??
I hate this cat...
It always jumps in from the kitchen..
My journey from balcony to kitchen halted on the door as I saw her pulling out the dishes which I had stuck like people in virar train. She noticed my presence but didn't let me know..
Like always...
She thinks she's smart...
Thank god I didn't listen to that friend who was selling me dishwasher.
Time to clean up the mess...
