“Why didn’t I take the lift? Really? Does that question really need to be answered?” “I guess not,” replied the voice.
“You know, as strange as it will seem, I feel like a little boy again. Maybe it is because I’ve been jumping on all the steps on these stairs for the past 9 floors, the kind of thing grownups can’t do without risking injuries. But a kid won’t think twice before doing it.”
“Yes, of course it does, after all being a child has the same carefree and reckless attitude that you feel right now. You have acted so irresponsible. Only children can do that. Express themselves in any fucking way they want because no one’s going to punish them severely. And even if they were punished, they know that the thrill of committing a so called sin is going to be worth it, and they’ll do it again and again. Until of course they’re grownups and the world starts reacting to their mischief differently. Some deeds might even be met with violent consequences. Since they’re not kids anymore, they can be hit or insulted or downright abandoned. That’s when your freedom ends and you know that shit just got real in your life. There’s a lifetime of boredom ahead for you to repay for your carefree childish explorations. Unless, ...”
“Shut up. Shut the fuck up you demented babbling freak. Seriously, you need to pick your timing regarding your speeches. You can’t start with your philosophical revelations and expect me to ponder over them while I can barely breathe. I jumped and rushed through 20 floors Goddamit!”
“20? Really? Boy, you can exaggerate better than that. Look again, there were just 6 floors and you took just a few seconds to come down after leaving her. And yes you are barely breathing, but that’s not because I am talking, I’m always talking. It is because you had a breakdown just a while back when you decided to stop listening to me. Is it that …”
“You are the one who needs to look again. Its 20. 20 fucking floors. But it’s not your fault because you were there only for the last 6. Haha.. I guess this is really working.”
“What? What do you mean? No, this can’t be. It’s not what I think it is, is it? You ungrateful son of a bitch…”
“Ungrateful? Haha.. You’re the one to talk! You made me want to hurt her because she loved me. She gave so much to me and you convinced me to teach her a lesson! The pain in the last words she said to me will forever haunt me. And the worst part is that you can’t even take blame for it. I have to do it.”
“No one needs to do it! Why can’t you take it as an experiment that you just had to do? You’ll forget it in the next few years. Alright, let me explain, like I always have to. You think people are saints at their core? That everyone wants to do good deeds and change the world everyday that they live? No. People are naturally evil, but that side is always pushed down by society. The very essence that makes us human is carefully and consistently looked down upon by all. It only comes to life when an individual is cornered, secluded either willingly or unwillingly by an incident in his life which makes him question everything he’s been taught to do. Look at that man sitting at the window. Do you think he’s dropped his head in such fashion and is looking out of the window thinking Oh what a lovely day? I must spend the rest of it being a better person? No. For all you know, he’s killing someone in his head over and over again. It’s… Wait a minute… Why is it so dark? And why are we in a train? Where are you going? You haven’t even changed your clothes. Your shirt still has the blood stain. What? Why are you smiling?”
“Look again my friend, it’s just ketchup. And it’s a different shirt. Wow, you can’t even see clearly, can you? And it’s a different day. Last night, I slept better than a baby could. Better than my unborn child ever would! Thanks to you for you weren’t there to make me wander through the city streets like you have for every night in the last five years.”
“Wow, you really are something. You gloat at how innocent and nice you are but you can’t help yourself cracking a joke about your child? Whom you killed!”
“I’ve never been a good guy. I admit it. For that matter, no one really is. People adapt and learn to say nice things about each other to keep things smooth in society. But you, you are here to make me a monster. Evil I can forgive but being a monster is something I’d love to, but I just won’t be able to forgive.”
“You say you despise me so much and yet you’ve started to talk like...”
“And my child?... Please tell me, who killed my child?”
“DO NOT interrupt me again. Ever. And stop giving me that grin. Who killed your child? That’s just great. Now you want me to take the blame for it too. Fine, I’ll take the blame if you aren’t man enough to handle the truth.”
“Man enough? Common, you expect to rattle me by questioning my manhood? What am I? 15? How did I ever fall for your shit? Sigh... Let me just shove it down your head. She’s alive! In fact, she never knew that there was a real danger to her life. Oh, that sweet innocent girl! And my shirt never had anyone’s blood on it. I left before I could do it, that little scene I put up would help her give herself some reason as to why she shouldn’t bother me for a while. It is not right to play with her emotions like that, but at least she’ll live.”
“Sweet? Innocent? Man, you’ve really regressed back to your childhood.”
“Maybe, but it’s better to be a child than to be a monster.”
“Monster… monster… Stop it. We don’t use such ordinary terms to describe stuff. Don’t you see it? You’re becoming lame again. You are heading towards ordinary. Do u remember the last time you used such a stupid word to describe me?”
He closes his eyes.
“No.”
“And do you realize that you just said that you wouldn’t mind getting your childhood back? Your childhood? You’re being delusional again, thinking that you could remember your young life as normal people would, the best time of their life!”
“I’m not being delusional!”
“Well, I at least told you when I was deluding you. Isn’t that what you always said, it’s okay to be crazy as long as you know you are crazy?”
Eyes open.
“Yes. I remember that. That was the time when I had no one I could talk to, screaming and crying out all my frustrations all alone in my room. And then you came along. Told me how I was better than the rest. Those were some great times. But now…”
“Times are still great my friend. I’m still here, aren’t I? What you experienced is what normally people term as ‘cold feet’. Hesitation right before a big event in a person’s life. It’s alright. You are allowed mistakes.”
“But … But I slept last night … I haven’t been able to do that for a long time.”
“Maybe that’s it. You wanted to relax before going through with it. Your mind tricked you into letting me go for a night. But you knew you were nothing without me. And that’s why I am back. Otherwise, why would I be?”
Silence. His head stopped aching. No more movements inside his head. It was almost like a meditational thoughtlessness. Then it seemed to him as if his thoughts were getting re-organized and re-enforced. He got up from his seat and went towards the train’s door and held onto the pole. The cool 4 am breeze ruffled his hair and he blinked his eyes. He sensed a light drizzle on his forehead.
“Let’s save the apologies and reassurances. You know we still got a chance, right?”
“Yes.”
“Good. Take it out from your back pocket.”
“I brought this knife with me?”
“Yes. Looks like you knew all along what needs to be done has to be done.”
He took the long kitchen knife out and touched the tip of it on his forehead, which was starting to get cold. He turned to his right; the sun was up and was shining too brightly as if it was afternoon.
“Quick. We don’t have much time. Remember this, you have to do it. The cold feet phase has passed. Now, things can only go right. You are going to do it this time. You’ve read online for days about effective ways to stab a person. Remember that. Just choose one and do it.”
It started raining heavily and it completely drenched his face. Then there was the sun again. He started to feel thumps on his chest.
“Remember what you’ve just agreed on.”
He felt that burst of rain again, this time with even more force.
“Whatever you do, whatever you don’t, I’ll always be here for you. See you... Until the next time...”
Eyes opened like he was getting up from hypnosis. He looked around gasping for breath. Curtains were open and the sun was hitting him directly. The clock struck 9 am. An empty bucket was resting on her waist, she was dressed for work.
“Why can’t you ever wake up like normal people do? Every other day I have to splash water on your pathetic face before leaving for work.” She started her routine nagging, “Normal people have jobs you know. I’m pregnant now, pretty soon you’ll have to get off your high horse and get a regular job. Our child is going to have one piece of shit of a father.”
His head was exploding with anger and frustration. In that moment, he just wanted to shut her up. Maybe I should do it, he thought. He glanced at his right hand. There was no knife in it. He remembered! He looked up at his wife with a manic expression. He remembered!
He started searching for it but couldn’t find it. He knew he desperately needed it, before he forgets. But where could it be?
“Get out of the way.”
Jumping from his bed he ran towards the kitchen.
“What? Where are you going? Instead of kissing me goodbye before I leave, you want to eat? Come back here and bid me goodbye.”
Goodbye? She wants a goodbye? That is just perfect.
He stared down at the kitchen floor and there it was. What he wanted more than anything else that instant. He went across and picked it up. Examining it up and down, he headed back towards the bedroom.
“Honey!”
She didn’t know what to make of his expression. He looked happy but in a very strange way. Unsure of what was going through his twisted head, she replied,
“Yes?”
“Where is the charger? Did I throw it in the kitchen too last night after we had our routine fight regarding my non-existent writing career and your mom’s suggestions for me? And which was so conveniently fueled by your so-called hormonal fluctuations?”
The casual and trivial way in which he put across what had happened last night was audacious. But it made her smile nevertheless.
“No. You only sprung your precious little laptop which is always in your hand. The charger is right there at the table.”
Sprinting towards the table, he plugged in his laptop. It was still working. He took it and sat on his water-soaked bed. He remembered the dream. He had to write it soon before he forgets it.
She shook her head and picked up her bag to leave. She was never going to understand the strange ways of the man she had married.
“Uhm... Honey…”
She turned around, hesitantly and stared at him from the front door,
“What?”
He worked up a broad smile and looked straight at her,
“Goodbye!”
