"I love You". I told Avantika, and I kissed her. It was such a wonderful feeling. I felt like i had finally found my true love, my soul mate. After a year of meaningless relationships and breakups, i had finally found what i was looking for. I was so happy. I still remember it as if it was Yesterday.
Wait a second, it actually was yesterday. We had an amazing night yesterday. It was the best sex i had in months. She is still sleeping. I take the blanket off her face to kiss her on her forehead and I am shocked. One look at her and i realize "She's not the one." How can she be? I don't even know her. I am not even sure about her name. Was it Avantika or Ashima or Aisha. It was yesterday only, when i met her in a bar and i invited her to my place. It wasn't love. It can't be. It was just the alcohol talking combined with the hormonal rush i felt when i looked at her sensual lips, sexy neck and those perfect sized breasts.
And was it happiness that i felt yesterday? Then why don't I feel anything now? True happiness doesn't fade away in a night. Or does it? The truth is, I have no idea. And as a matter of fact, I don't even have to time to think about it. In an hour, Nisha is gonna come and if she sees me with another girl, she's gonna kill me. Did i forget to tell you about Nisha? Come on, is it so hard to guess? Nisha, my girlfriend obviously.
Half an hour later, she's gone. And her name is not Avantika. Sorry, my bad. It was Aayushi. Oh god, why do these girls have so confusing names. She is a real sweet girl. After all, she went so quietly, without saying a word. The last one was such a drama queen.
So Nisha is gonna be home any minute. I guess I should groom myself a bit. I look at myself in the mirror. I feel so proud of myself. I am a successful 24 year good looking stud. What more can a guy ask for? But why do i feel so hollow from inside? At this instant, my heart stops beating. "Who is this guy", I ask myself. Do i know him? Wait, is this me? And at this moment I feel ashamed of myself. How can i be so insensitive towards everyone's emotions. How can I play with their feelings? And these are those people who really love me. Why am I doing this? Why do i keep hurting the people who would never hurt me. The worst part is, it doesn't even make me happy. But wait, do i know what happiness is?
For years, I didn't know what happiness is. I was living my life and i guess it was going alright. But i never had that time, when you can't wipe the smile off your face, and that too for no reason. But that changed. It changed when she came into my life. I found happiness in her. Being with her, seeing her smile, that was how i defined happiness. Whenever i looked at her, i couldn't stop smiling. Those were the only moments when i felt that i knew what happiness was. When i first talked to her, I told her that i was miserable and i feel that i was beyond repair. But she didn't accept it, and she was right. She was the one, the only one who could make me feel happy. And she didn't even have to make any effort. One smile, and i was on cloud nine. Or the way she said "Bye Prince" on the phone. Or when she unbuttoned my shirt or when she told me that she didn't want any other girl to look at me. Anything she did made me feel on the top of the world.
There was a time when i told her and she accepted my version of happiness but then a day came when she told me to find happiness in myself only. That day, she told me that i should stay away from her. There was time when we were 'Hum' and before i realized it had changed into 'Main' aur 'Tum'. It didn't take her a minute to figure out that i was in love with her. Then how could she not know that I will never be happy without her. Or was it that, she was no longer happy with me?
I remember the day when i told her that since the day she came into my life, i haven't taken my medications, but i feel so dependent on you. And she said, "Its okay, you can depend on me." And i believed her. Then there was a day when I was sad and she told me,"Chahe kuch bhi ho jaye, hum kabhi dukhi nahin honge, hum jo sath hain." And i wasn't sad for a second after that. Then why did she ask me to leave her? Well, she did what a good friend would do for a friend. I was sad and she said something to cheer me up. I guess i was the one who was stupid enough to take everything so seriously.
And you know what, I followed her advise. I went away from her. I studied hard. I cracked the Civil Services Exam, and in a month i will be an IAS officer. I built a body like Shahid Kapoor. I became strong, mentally and physically. I stopped crying. Now any girl will feel protected with me. I grew up.I let go of my emotions.I became a hedon. But in all this, i lost myself. Now I don't get sad. I don't get frustrated. Now I don't care about anyone else's emotions. I don't feel compassion anymore. Now i get what i want because i can do whatever it takes. I became a 'Stud'. But I am no longer Prince. I had to kill him. And you know what. I don't regret it at all. He would have been dead that night, had it not been for the guy who told him,"I know what you're thinking. Don't do it. Somehow endure this pain for the next few hours. It will get better with time." But did it? If i had jumped that night, only i would have been hurt, now i am hurting so many people. That girl Nisha, she loves me so much. Will she be able to live if she comes to know, who i really am? I am a monster. . I am a liar and a cheater. And I've become so good at it. And all this,for what? I am still not happy, i still feel empty from inside.
Some nights i still wonder, what if instead of asking me to stay away from her, she had assured me that everything will be alright, if we are together in this.Once upon a time, we were the reason for each other's smiles and we will be, again. Maybe if she had made an effort that time to save our relationship, we both would have been happy together. Or maybe she did the right thing. I didn't want to be a liability,a burden on her. And at that time, i felt that i was a burden on her and maybe she felt the same. If she was happy without me, i was happy to leave her.
I am lost in this sea of thoughts, when i suddenly realize that the doorbell has been ringing for the last 5 minutes. I don't have time to think. I open the door and hug her. "Oh baby, I missed you so much."
"I love you." I tell Nisha, and i kiss her.
