Agni looked down at his clothes; he was in his school uniform. The same shrunk school tie that he had worn for the last 3 yrs of high school, the same ink stained shirt that he wore on Tuesdays and Thursdays. He was in school again. For Real. He didn’t know how but here he was. No not again, he thought.
Straight ahead on the street where he stood, was an uneven line of his friends from school. All dressed in the regular school uniforms. But it wasn’t daytime, it was the middle of the night. There was a sense of helplessness inside Agni. He felt like he knew what was going on. Yes, he knew it. It was just like he had seen in some movies. Armed troops were marching everywhere but not where he was. The city was taken hostage by the army. It was a rebellion. Anarchy. Or something on those lines, he wasn’t sure what to call it. But Agni knew what he wanted to express, that there was a mad frenzy everywhere, no authority to anyone, no order, no restraint or control. He knew he was soon going to be a victim. He felt like he had felt this before. Of course he had.
He walked towards a boy in particular. He recognized him, he was Sameer. Behind him were three other boys. He tried to remember them but he couldn’t. Their faces though were etched in his memory. “Beware now, I warned you before and you didn’t listen,” spoke Sameer in an echoing voice,” You know what I’m talking about, don’t you?” His heart skipped a beat. Yes he did, but he couldn’t believe that Sameer had warned him before and he didn’t pay any heed to it. How could he have been so right? At that moment it seemed such a trifle thing. Who could have guessed it would have gone so wrong? He nodded hesitantly, hoping he wouldn’t have to acknowledge his stupidity in front of everyone.
But the three boys already knew it. They were looking at him in amusement, giggling and staring piercingly at him. They knew! Of course they did. He sped away from there as soon as he could. Why am I in this situation again? I thought it was all over. Wasn’t it enough? Is this some stupid bullshit like I’ve been given another chance to do things right this time? But those sorts of things happen in your next life, at least that’s what the book said. I’m still in this one and I haven’t even completely forgotten this incident yet. Maybe the book was wrong. Everything happens in this life itself. Or is it that this is the next life? But ..
A strong blow to the back of his head disrupted his thoughts. He moved forward with the hit and jumped few paces ahead. It was broad daylight and he was younger than before. He barely controlled himself from falling and looked in alarm at who struck him.
Him? Here? What is going on? The incident which seemed to be repeating moments back had nothing to do with him. “Who’s going to clean this now? Huh..?” saying this he sprinted towards him again and struck him once more.
“I said I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” he protested almost in a reflex.
Two more blows, at the same spot. “Who’ll clean this now? Huh..? Who will clean this now?” he didn’t want to listen. He kept asking who’s going to clean the water from his shirt while hitting him again and again and again. This was his chance, he wasn’t going to let go off him so easily.
“I’m Sorry.. Sorry.. I wasn’t trying to throw the balloon at you. Sorry.. Sorry” Why is he still hitting me? This is not right. He is taking advantage of the situation. He just wants to hit me. Why can’t I stop saying sorry? I should hit him back. But he’s so big and strong. At least I should try. But he knew he the story, he was going to suffer the ordeal without putting up any fight. Why the hell am I living this again?
Through the corner of his eye, he could see Mandeep, the only friend he had at that time. He was quietly absorbing the situation while sucking a pouch of cheap juice from his right hand. As if, he wanted to remember it so that he could narrate it later exactly like it had happened. Their eyes met for a fickle of a second, Mandeep looked away and continued staring at the guy who was striking his so called best friend. Agni realized how selfish Mandeep was. He could have helped. He could have tried. He could have protested or brought along someone. But he didn’t. He stood there silently with few other slum locals who had halted with Holi balloons in their hands, chuckling at what was happening. Wait, what is that? Is there a sly smile on Mandeep’s face too?
Agni could understand the amusement of the locals, he wasn’t exactly the most loved guy in the neighborhood, most likely the opposite, but not Mandeep’s. But more than anything, in that moment, Agni knew he was not guilty for what had happened with Mandeep later in his life. He deserved it. Is that why I’m here? To realize that I shouldn’t feel guilty for what happened to him? That he was not my true and loyal friend like he had always claimed to be? That I should let go off my guilt?
“Get in line Agni. Now!” said Sameer. Agni was back at the city amidst destruction. Sameer was now some kind of authority. But strangely, he was still in his school uniform. Everyone was listening to him and few other boys behind him. He knew them. They were the ones who had relished in his misery. What makes us humans so evil sometimes, he thought. Aren’t we all supposed to help each other out and be a strong society? Just like his mother had taught him? But Agni’s mother had inculcated her idealistic values only onto her son, not all of the kids at his school. Maybe they didn’t know what they were doing, they were too young anyways. Shall he forgive them? Let bygones be just that? Bygones? How can he? It was so unfair what had happened to him.
Suddenly, he could sense that re-living the incident as himself was not what he was supposed to do. He felt like he was to understand other people’s reaction to it. Why and what made them react the way they did. But why? He had thought this whole time that this whole thing would be about His pain!
Sameer was now going away from him. So were the rest. He felt he was slowly being drawn to some other place. But I’m not done yet, he thought. Why was Sameer in control and putting everyone in a line? What was going on? I want to know.
‘Maybe it is not important right now.’ Spoke a calm voice.
Agni immediately agreed without any more protests. He let go off the image of Sameer.
He could now see his face right in front of him! He was panting furiously and was staring right at himself. I don’t understand what is happening, he started thinking. The man he saw in front of him was him. But then why am I not there? Why do I feel like a different person who is with him? Hold on… Shit!.. This can’t be... Disgusting! It looks like.. Like.. Like I’m fucking myself!
What? Wait a minute.. This is not me. I’m in a woman’s body. It’s her. Yes, it is her. I am her. Why? This is absolutely ridiculous. I didn’t sign up for this.
Why am I not feeling what he is going through? That is what is supposed to happen. I’m beginning to understand her instead. She loves him. Rather loved him. Now, she only feels betrayal and revenge for him. I understand now, why she did it. But I don’t want to. Do I need to? Is that why I’m here? In her body? To understand why she had to do it? So that I can forgive her? Just like it used to happen in those books? Just like in chapter seven; forgiveness is more for your own sake than for others?
Just then, Agni saw her hand reaching out below the bed but it felt like he was doing it himself. He felt like knew what was coming. It is going to happen. She’s going to do it. NO. I can’t see this. This is horrible! It’s worse than my nightmares… This whole thing was a big mistake... Get me out of here! Now!
10..
Agni could see him still fucking her (himself... arrgh!), oblivious of the fact of what was going to happen. She stopped moving and went closer to him. He thought she wanted a break, out of fatigue like it used to happen so often. He knew she was too weak for him. He stopped too, slowly reaching out his hand to touch her face. He still felt guilty about what he had done. But she had forgiven him. It was very unnatural of her, but she had forgiven him. He knew he had to work hard towards gaining her trust back, but he was up for it. He had to be. She was going to be worth it. He was going to fall in love with her again, someday!
9 …
8…
7…
Agni wanted to get out of there, but he strongly felt he should not before the countdown reaches to 1.
With almost a split second movement, she flung across her left elbow on his neck and put the knife from her right hand onto his throat. Agni could see his own face at knifepoint. He was doing it to himself. He could see the expression of shock and disgust on his own face but he could not focus on it. It seemed more important to understand her!
6..
5..
Agni could empathize with her. Something he never wanted to. He could sense her redemption and revenge. He could sense her anger and fury. But more than anything, he could sense regret! A regret that it had come to this. But she knew she had to do it. Doubts are not going be enough to stop her. She wanted to do it. And she will.
4..
3..
The countdown seemed like an eternity but Agni knew that they are as fast as they could be. Einstein’s theory of relativity made its appearance on his mind but he quickly shooed it off. This was certainly not the time and place for philosophy!
“Why do you have such a confused expression?” she asserted herself. “Isn’t this what you always hoped for? If you die, you die while having sex?”
Slit. Agni, in her body, slit open his own throat. He wanted to sympathize with himself. But he could only feel the pain of her heart. It was over. No last words. No chance to atone his sins. He was killed abruptly. Agni remembered he had so much to say. To her and to himself, but it had all stayed inside his soul. Maybe that’s why I needed to see this event, he thought. To forgive her and to let go off the anger. If only he could.
2..
He wasn’t out of the picture yet. She was breathing down heavily near his face, looking carefully at her blood soaked creation. Playing with her knife, dipping it in the pool of blood gushing out of his throat. Wait…What is she doing? Agni saw a hand with the knife in it reaching to his neck. Her neck.
No.. She can’t. She can’t do this. She can’t expect to be a Shakespearean protagonist. She doesn’t deserve a tragic end. She’s a vicious bitch. But didn’t I just forgive her? Wasn’t that why I was here in the first place?
NO. I still need to be angry at her. This whole idea was a mistake. It doesn’t make sense. Doesn’t make sense in a way that I would like it to.
She’s about to do it. No… You can’t..Wait..
“I’m coming my ...”
1.
NOOOO…
“No… No... No… No…,” he kept screaming over and over again.
“It’s okay, it’s over now, relax. Here, have some water,” replied the polite familiar voice.
“I know it’s over,” said Agni, sweating profusely, feet shivering and head shaking. “I wanted to see it for just a second more.”
“But you asked me to get you out of there, remember? You don’t have to force yourself to understand anything. We can analyze what you saw in detail at a later stage. For now, just calm down...”
“Yes, I did ask you to get me out. But then you took forever to get me out of there.” Said Agni, gulping down the whole glass of water.
“It was just a few seconds. I had told you that you may lose track of time.” She was surprised at his reaction. No other patient had been so rude to her right after coming out from hypnosis.
“Yeah.. Yeah.. I see the clock now, its 5 30. That means I spent almost two hours visiting just three events? Maybe just one of them was a past life one. But you couldn’t let me stay there for another second?” said Agni, in a rehearsed tone.
“You were hearing what I was talking, weren’t you?” he continued, “In the hypnotic state, you knew I was in your control. How do I know what are your interests in this?”
She didn’t know how to react to such an absurd accusation. She had neither anticipated nor experienced such a hostile patient before. She had seen strange in her profession but this man was at a whole new level.
“I’ve read about you people,” Agni continued, “Some people call you guys witches and black magic followers who purposely make patients have nightmares and then trick them for m...”
“Hold your tongue mister. It’s a doctor you are talking about.” She was not going to take this insult anymore, “I’ve told you before and I’ll tell you again. Hypnosis is a scientific technique. And Past Life Regression is to be used only when there are no other alternatives. I advised you against it but you insisted on going through with it. What you experienced could be just your imagination or it could be an actual event in your past life. But it has got nothing to do with me. I just guide you to open your subconscious...”
“Have you gone through it?”
“What?”
“Have you been regressed to a past life? Ever?”
“No. But that doesn’t mean…”
“Yes it does. It means that you don’t know the difference between your head and your ass.”
He sprang to his feet, picked up his windcheater and got ready to leave the clinic.
“You ungrateful piece of…” it was too late. He was already out of her sight.
It was raining. Not heavily, not drizzling. It was just a perfect rhythm. He put on his windcheater and starting walking on the street before anyone could catch up with him. He had a wide smile on his face. He was bursting with excitement but was also calm at the same time. He felt like he did when he discovered a new drug and had experienced it for the very first time. He knew his life was going to change. He had found the best and practically harmless alternative to his drug addiction. While drugs affected his ability to remember, today he felt like he remembered everything! After all, he knew in his heart that he had actually remembered his past life! He felt the euphoria of the experience in his veins, he loved it. This was the purest form of high!
He walked few more steps ahead and crossed the road. He realized that he wasn’t scared when he crossed the road, like he had been since he was a kid. What was happening? He’s thinking of giving up his addiction, and now his lifelong fear of crossing roads is gone! Were Brian Weiss’ books right about this? His fears, can they all really go away. Does this also mean that he’s going to change and be a better person now? What the fuck, he gave out a little shout of surprise. He might have asked for more than he could handle!
Rain continued. He reached out to his back pocket and removed the contents to put them safely inside his windcheater. He noticed the money, which he had brought with him just in case the plan to insult and accuse the doctor and storm out of there, didn’t work out. He was a junkie; he had always been a junkie. He knew that he would always be short of money. He knew the rule. Honest and nice people were supposed to be fooled and taken advantage of. Not be paid. Money was only for pimps, drug dealers and people who don’t have the right to give you what you want without taking some money.
He smiled. He wasn’t changing much after all. He diverted his attention back to enjoying the monsoon, a feeling he had forgotten long ago.
Just then, a strong realization dawned upon him. He would think about this experience later, it deserved proper time and attention. For now, he knew what he had to do. He had to find her! It was important. He had to find her. The thought of her wiped away any traces of smile from his face. He started moving fast and was almost running. He had to see her. ‘That bitch!’
