I hesitate to write. I wrote for this website a couple of time. Both times i was writing about what i was thinking at that precise instant. Right now i am unable to write. The reason is not that i have nothing on my mind to write about. The reason is that i have too much to write about because right now i am thinking too much. There is so much going on in my head right now that i fear to describe it all lest seeing it all put in words drives me crazy. For you who are reading this, i probably appear crazy anyway.
I have always enjoyed writing be it writing essays for school, my dissertations for both degrees, or simply scribbling away in my diary. Right now i wish to write. There are so many things that i need to get out of my brain but the fear keeps me from pouring out all the thoughts, ideas, pain, tears and disappointments. I fear. I fear it might all be too much. I fear it might make me things that i am turning my blind eye to. I fear putting it into words would make me realize how far i have fallen and how low i rest right now. Putting it all into words would bring my uselessness and my weaknesses in my face. And right now i am scared i cannot take any more blows. I act strong all the time. I keep laughing. I hide it all from those around me. I hide behind these laughing eyes and the bright smile. I hide mainly because i cannot soil anyone else with the darkness i sense within me. there, i have said it. I fear to write because i am certain whatever i write will be tainted my darkness which seems to fill me up these days, darkness which is inside me... as well as everywhere around me.. wherever i look, whatever i do, it does not leave me.. never.. its always by my side, my constant companion.
Go, where has this introspection led me!! I had no intention of mentioning anything about the darkness. Yet, there it is.. It came out, soiling my ideas, thoughts and words.
