From the very childhood, I had been quite different from the other boys. I had no interest in playing sports and neither did I find any inclination towards what other guys of my age did. I was a bookworm for a long time till I became a Tv serial addict.
I had this bus conductor who was in his 20s and he was quite friendly witn me. I being the class 3rd guy with nothing but innocence filled, didnt smell any rat. The bus used to take an extra round from in frint of my house, leaving all those along with us till the last stop and then returning with me alone in the bus. One certain day he came to me and forced his mouth into mine raping it. I dont know whether this made this different guy gay, or this was done to me because he knew my sexuality, but whatever it was, I think I paid a heavy price. I kept on sobbing at my home not able to explain anything to anyone.
Whatever it was, but I realised later that I have a completely different life than those around me. I am not saying that every gay guy has Tv serial addiction or doesnt get into sports but this is my personal journal. Maybe my inferior complex that arose due to this, I resigned from sports like completely. I would once in an year go to the ground, and that too because of the compulsory annual sports week. It was totally embarrassing for me. I took myself totally to studies and luckily excelled in them. Due to this I developed a serious aura arojnd me. I was the nerd who would be quite a lot of time and generally people took this silence a result of the studious image that i had. Luckily less of people suspected my sexuality. By grade 8th I was one of the prominent members of my class. I used to get to stage speaking and anchoring as this was an outlet for my personality. Even my friends liked me as a member of their group. They used to call me for movies and hang arounds, but generally I used to avoid going with the all boys group. Then when the school management decided to take us to a camp, I couldnt go because I was tensed when i got to know that we had to share rooms.
When we got into higher grades my friends had somehow figured it out and their tone changed with me. Only a few of them still found a friend in me but most of them started ignoring me and some time the ones who used to be my close made fun of mine. Soon secretly in my absence many started making fun of me.
I started going into my nutshell and reserved myself to me and my family.
Living in a closet one has to be very cautious. Before saying anything one has to think, This must not sound gay,...cautios in getting into any discussion because you know that if the discussion gets heated up and the opponent is left with nothing but anger, he can end it up with just one word , " shut up faggot"
and you are left embarrased, ashamed of being born different.
Because just being with different aspirations, we are made socially unacceptable, religiously outcasted and apparently unable to do the manly chores of household.
But one fine day i declared to myself that I am not supposed to suffer so much, I am not supposed to live with a complex just because movies make fun of people like me. I said to myzekf that my choices are mine and if anyone dislikes it, I am not bound to like that person too.
I am still in a closet because this declaration was enough for whole five minutes...
Today, 19 years old, I am totally single, totally away from any love, except that my family gives to me.
I have huge crushes on many of my college fellas and can do nothing about it. I wish someday I would find the courage enough to come out.
I dont know whether this piece makes any link in itself, any flow is present or not and this for sure doesnt have any plot :p...yet i felt that today I should express myself, however in anonimity.
At the end I would just like to apply in that I live in Indore,19 years old, tall, fair and not bad looking ( rather i am above average, maybe not sexy)...
I might sound despo, or I might seem to be using WB as some dating site, but I saw it better than using unauthentic sites or FB finding people interested only in one thing.
Sorry!
