I do not know when I will have to face God and all my deeds will be scrutinized. But I do know that I'll see some more phases in life and today's remembrances will probably not accompany me too far in the future. But the guilt, perhaps, will stick around a little longer. And I do not wish to carry that all my life.
Every time I think of your face - and I've found it lovely since the first day I saw you - I feel a strange vacuum growing inside me. A hollow. A strange yearning to be with you, to look at you, to talk to you and to hear everything that you have to say. I have been in love with you since the first time I asked myself what I thought about you. You were my first and perhaps only true love.
I am a burnt child in relationship matters, and wouldn't like to burden anyone with my pain by asking for their intimacy, let alone you - my most beloved. I have tried to tell you numerous times but I do not know if I've ever been clear enough to state that I do love you and you are everything that I look up to but I couldn't allow myself to be with you since I wish something better for you.
But I'd like to let you know that I love you, and care about you. And sometimes at night, I feel like holding you in my arms and dancing with you. I've cherished the feeling of being close to you all my life. And I know fully well we'll never see any days together. But it's difficult for me to contain myself, especially when I'm alone. And sometimes I find myself very guilty for never expressing myself to you. Even my own justifications don't seem satisfying enough. And to any heart other than mine that would've been happy were we together, I am sorry.
I do not dream of being together, not even as friends. Infact, I wish we never see each other again. I wish you a happy life, as fulfilling as it can be. And I wish I never see you again, and never think of you again. But that's where the problem lies. It's one of few things I cannot control. I have been a man of reason for as long as I can remember. And that's how the world knows me. So it's a little disturbing to see myself crumble. And it's disappointing to see myself alone during all this. That's the reason I decided I need to let it out.
Someday, you shall be reading this, and if any of those times we felt we knew each other very well meant anything to you, I believe you shall understand. I'm not sorry to you. You've played the bigger role in breaking the bond if there ever existed one. But I took it all as assistance to snap the strings that bound us together. We were never meant to be together, for you're too much for me and I'll never be good enough to consider myself the best complement for you.
God bless.
- A Lover.
