I feel so lost, I feel so stupid.
Everything was a lie; everything, in vain.
I really did love you
Or maybe I never stopped.
Since then.
There, there is the truth.
Make what you can of it.
This is honest, and it makes me feel so weak.
If what I feel for you is strong, why does it make me feel weak, powerless, foolish, kaput?
Am I of such low importance? Or maybe there is no importance, zero.
Because apparently I'm easy,
Which means I cannot be important.
There, I said it.
You don't have to tell me.
I'm not important.
Will I cry for you? Probably will.
Oh look, I am.
See, I said it.
And I'm being honest, and it makes me feel so weak.
What am I doing? Why am I typing?
You're not reading, you don't care.
I'm not important
There it is, again. Honesty.
And it makes me feel so weak.
I will laugh at myself tomorrow!
That's what I always do.
Then maybe I'll talk to you.
But you wouldn't reply.
Because I'm not important.
And that's not a lie.
Because I'm an honest person.
And hence I'm powerless, too.
I will never catch up to you.
I will be left behind.
See what a mess I've made?
Cleaning up will take a lot of time.
Maybe all of my life, maybe more.
Maybe these waves will never find a shore
Maybe I'll die with shock on my face.
Maybe I'll always be left wondering.
Maybe I'll never figure it out
Maybe I'll always be afraid of the looting and plundering
See that's what honest looks like
Clear, transparent, bare, naked
And weak, powerless, stupid
Maybe I don't deserve good things?
Maybe I don't deserve to be here?
There's a lump in my throat
I cannot speak, cannot breathe
Cannot cry anymore
I can only feel the lump
I can feel nothing more
And my head, something's throbbing inside
It wants to come out
I don't want to be still
I want to shout out loud
But I cannot move
I cannot feel anything except the lump
I'm not even there, it's just the lump
I'm nothing
Hence I'm not important
There, I've said it a million times
And what have you got to do with this? Nothing.
Don't read it, delete it
This is not worth your time
You have a life to live
You have things to do
I don't want to disturb you
I really did love you
There it is again, honesty
It really makes me feel so weak
There is no strength in honesty
There is no power
I'm not manipulative
I'm Just defensive
I have to protect myself
Nobody else will
I'm not important
I know that
I'm not even there
It's just a throat with a lump
I thought I'll cry
I cried the day before, too
I was so scared of losing you
But today I cannot cry
Because you're not mine
To cry for
And I'm not yours
And we will never be
And I'm okay with that
Because I'm not important
And I know that
So this is all I have ever wanted to tell you
Since that day in the year 2006
That I know I'm not important
And it's not a good feeling
Because it makes me not feel anything else
And this is the truth
This is the most naked I'll ever get
This is all I have
This is honest
And it makes me feel so very weak
I've been typing for an hour
Knowing there's no one reading
You'd think I've goner mad
gone *
Well, I shouldn't have corrected that
Goner, is the word for me
