Im feeling really helpless and at the same time angry at the sorry state im in nowadays...
Do i really have the right to take my decisions on my own?? i mean yeah, my folks keep telling me how much they trust me to take the right decisions and how im supposed to be the one ultimately making my choices in life...
but days like these i jus keep doubting this hullabaloo...
Maybe they just keep telling me tht so that i keep making the right decisions or rather making the decisions wch are actually compatible with theirs...and yet keep feeling tht they are entirely mine...or worse still so that im afraid tht i'll be held responsible if my decisions turn out to be wrong and so refrain from taking them all by myself and rather ask them for help in the first place...
Seriously there are these times when i fail to understand ....
Have been taught to take my own decisions right from my starting days ...
then why am i feelin this 'pressure'?
Small things have begun to suddenly matter a lot...not tht they dint earlier...they always did but not upto a point where i'd tend to feel suffocated...
There is this sudden lack of space...this point where concern seems like interference...and where everything and everyone out there is waiting to prove u wrong ...to prove ur incapable of handling life...
its getting on my nerves now...its MY friggin life dammit!!
All of a sudden, how come im being questioned a thousand times about whether im sure of what im doing or not...why is it tht im expected to do a certain thing even though im not really comfortable with it??
Sorry but i dont seem to get it! wht happened all of a sudden?
why this sudden 'i know whts best for u' attitude...wch ultimately leads to a lotta arguements...and more of all why this attitude camouflaged by something wch they feel will kinda talk me out of the decision...and if tht dosent work, then theres always that cold feeling of indifference in the air...
And having a difference of opinion dosent really help...i keep argueing, fighting, expressing my disagreement and ultimately managment want me to feel bad over how i behaved...
I ask why teach me to make independent decisions when sometime in the future u want to prove to me tht they'd go all wrong ..??
and to add to my irritation,why am i afraid of exactly that even though im pretty confident of my decisions?
Is it because im chicken?? when did i start being unsure of myself...unsure of wht i want...and if i really am tht confused than why this feeling of dissatisfaction tht im letting go of something ...of succumbing to a gnawing fear wch will surely engulf me , my confidence, my existence and whatever little is left of my individuality...
I mean thr comes a point when u jus need the space...and thats why i needed this holiday...but then if thts so, why is it tht im still thinking about it and writing this stupid post even when im sitting here miles away from home...
And then again, i dont know why im being ruthless as well...why i feel this intense dissatisfaction towards things going on...why i expect my close ones to understand...to shut up when i want them to...to talk to me when i want them to...and more precisely exactly what i want them to...
Have been losing my patience over the slightest of things of late wch leads me into many an arguements and then eventually locking myself in my room feeling like a stranger in my own house or venting out , cribbing and ranting on my diary...avoiding phonecalls,constantly being in a cranky mood,sleeping almost all the time when im at home,making plans with friends and then calling them up to cancell them...ive been acting crazy i know...
I dont seem to give up but neither do they...
For the first time in life, im feeling claustrophobic!!
