Dialogues on virginity

"Sochiye agar aapki hone waali biwi inheen hotels mein kisi aur ke saath aish kar rahi ho".. I asked pointing towards the neon displays outside numerous hotels at Mahipal-pur, to my friend Irfan who was going to get married within 6 months.Aapki hone waali beewi bhi to ho sakti hai? Retorted Irfan angrily."Bilkul ho sakti hai, Irfan bhai". Taking a pause, I hurled another question, "Kya aapke liye virginity itna bada issue hai?""Haan hai.""Kyoon ?" I asked."Because the break of virginity is the culmination of love. Its memory in all fine details, is etched in the mind, because of the hypersenstivity of "the moment". It can neither be erased nor can be overwritten. Everybody, in her life, after that first one, is second rate. I don't want to be a second rate.""Fine details"? I asked."Yes, the breath on her nape, the fleeting rub on her nipples, the touch of his dry and nervous lips on hers, mutual body heat, velvety friction of pubic area...everything.""But you know Irfan bhai, girls do not disclose these things, so you will never know if she has already been 'broken'." I explainedThis dawned as a frustrating truth on Irfan, and his throat went heavy."No matter how loving am I ?" Asked Irfan"Yes, you are right. Infact your being loving could be the reason of her not revealing her past sexual encounter. As she might not want to hurt you" I repliedThen after a pause, to irritate his imagination, I asked, "But what if she disclosed? Wouldn't you wish she had lied, making you believe in it, paradoxically?"Irfan was facing away from me. I asked, "Meri taraf dekhiye". And with my hands I drew his chin towards me. This time Irfan broke. Tears rolling down his cheeks. His sob breaking into bitter cries from throat."Mujhe..maaf..kar dijiye Irfan bhai, mera maqsad aapka dil dukhana nahin tha", I said."Koi..baat ..nahin. Pata hai Arif bhai, maine 30 saal tak sabr kiya. I never touched a girl beyond handshake because I know I'm answerable to Allah. Kiya is sabr ke badle mujhe ek paak biwi bhi naseeb nahin hogi?""Pata nahin Irfan bhai. Ye to Allah hi behtar jaanta hai. But you shouldn't despair, if you believe. For if you believe she will be caught hold on the day of judgement. Nobody can escape the justice of Allah" I repliedAs if deaf to my argument, he continued, "Humse achche to non-muslims hain, who work on the philosophy 'Apne dil ki suno'; Maze mein rehte hain, Girfriends banate hain, frustration-free rehte hain. Koi qayamat ki fikr nahin. Koi morality ka jhanjhat nahin". After few long gaps of silence in this intense topic, we parted.After 4 months, Irfan confided in me how he had sex with his girlfriend. Suddenly I felt as if half of myself abandoned me. Irfan was my good friend, infact an intimate one. In the sense our struggles were similar. His Islamic efforts gave a push to my Islamic efforts. Now I was all alone.Or was I feeling jealous? Should I continue to preserve my love for my wife? Will I get a chaste wife? I asked myself. I still ask myself, sometimes these questions, may be because I'm painfully 30. But when the verse of Quran cross my mind: "Certainly there is a big reward for those who believe in hereafter", I get the answer.