Dear Diary

I wanted to die today. My addiction for death is becoming more pronounced. I hope the lorry hits me. I hope the soup is poisoned. I hope the road is slippery. I hope the building is old and cracking. I just hope that world crumbles on me. The world was crumbling around me. When i could have given anything for death to impersonate me, why did he have to die? A brilliant, accomplished man. Divorced once. Remarried. Had a cute kid. I kept thinking about the woman and the child. Did my thoughts on death lead to his ultimate journey?

Are our thoughts filled with so much power? I felt guilty for making his heart attack him. I did not vow not to think of death ever. This made me more guilty. I thought of making someone think of death to put an end to my agony. Would pushing somebody into depression end my agony? More guilt. Guilt and Death - my new gods.

My darkest energy is expressing itself. How would real darkness look? When you close your eyes, it is not darkness. It is an illusion that it is dark. When you open your eyes in a dark room, there is an absence of light. But, still no darkness. Real darkness is guilt. It is not in the ability to kill somebody. It is in the ability to think about one's own death and with those thoughts kill somebody. That thought is dark matter.Death is it's god and guilt is it's idol. More of rituals on the idol means more pleasure for the god.

He will be cremated tomorrow. Hopefully, my thoughts too. This hope creates a new birth only to die because of somebody's guilt. Life is hope and guilt is death. If you hope to die without guilt, you are just leading an abnormal, artificial, accomplished life.