Who is the wiser one?
Maybe it was wise of her to leave me before getting into anything and the next one will be wiser to waste me before she leaves me, I’ll try to get a little high with my friends but then they are wise enough to leave me and in the end I will be alone with empty bottles of scotch and whiskey and a few partially smoken cigarettes and joints, and I will wait for them to ignite life again and they might be wise enough to remain silent like they always have been and I’ll wait and I’ll pray that they respond to me.
Like I already said it was wise of her to cut the strings and it was foolish that I waited and wasted both my time and myself. I sometimes wonder if she hadn’t been this rough on me, how the things would be and I look back in embarrassment and pity on the ‘old me’ while pitying on the current ‘me’. My actions used to have the same origin somewhere, ‘her’ there was nothing without her, the day started with her, ended with the pain and fear of losing her and when she was finally gone I learned that I can always carry on, no matter how fragmented and broken you are, you learn to deal with it and move on. She comes back sometimes, just like sunshine finds its way through the dense clouds of storms but only to strengthen the thunderstorm, so I finally took a stand and I chose darkness, I let the thunder shower on me, rain on me, drown me and ruin me like it always has. I still wait for her to give me reasons, explain me the wrongs and rights but you cant expect that from the heart of stone. I tried to make up the reasons on my own and blamed the real me for doing all the things that made her go away, maybe its the best way because I couldnt find any other way.
To forget the real me
I wanna deny the existing world as it is, I dont like to see the world as it is, I know many others wish the same, they pray that they could stay asleep or stay in their dreams all the time, and stay happy and content. This is where I differ from the rest, I feel empty and the moment I start feeling I try to get away from reality and override everything that I might want. I hate myself for feeling this way, how can I fall this easily, in the acts of getting up I’ll fall for someone else or something else. He was right, the second person to be right about me and she was right too, the first person to understand me on this, I’m gonna lose it all, infact I have started losing it, I dont really understand what I want and even when I convince myself and reach somewhere I find that I’m nowhere and I let it go and move with the flow. I dont want to be high for enjoying but for being away from reality and be lost, into absolute nothing. I wish I could make them understand, the ones I really care about, the ones with whom I bonded without the use of materialistic forces and take them away with me. This drives fear and happiness at the same time because I know a few of them would chose to be with me on this and the ones I expect to be with me are gonna walk away and leave me and I’ll discard all the ones willing to be near me and let me be camouflaged into darkness. At the end I will seek forgiveness and pray for those empty bottles of scotches and whisky to speak and the partially smoken cigarettes to ignite life and answer me.
I dont know how long my curiosity will drive my insanity or my insanity will drive my curiosity but all I want is that my special seat of people stay with me and understand me always. I wish I could take them for granted and they would understand me without me explaining them anything, unfortunately bonds are way too unstable and you cant mend them once they are broken, at least I cant.
Taken from
http://curiositymeetsinsanity.wordpress.com/
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