Dad-less!! Big deal?

First of all I have never known how it felt to have a dad around to have fun with, to joke around with, to call dad. My mother told me. He’s dead. Is he? I don’t know. Or rather say I don’t believe. And am not whining over it. Yeah I have no fatherly figure. Big deal?
Backing into the time, I was 12, possibly in my 6th standard. It was a normal day to school. But after lunch, my maternal uncle came to school to pick me up from there. Why? He didn’t reply, just nodded. I asked “where we were heading to?”. No satisfactory answer was there. Being a kid, back then, I wasn’t astonished with things, but I was puzzled.
It was our village, where he took me. I dint recognized the roads, but houses. After some time, mom called me and told she and dad had to leave for somewhere for any emergency. I dint mind. I wasn’t homesick and it was good feeling to be out of school for some days for the matter. But some days….
I was there for quite some months. I missed mom and dad too. I wanted to run back but they dint let me. After I got there, I was told dad is no more. What exactly that meant? How can he be no more? Where he gone? Dead? How can he be dead? No answers were there just pale cold faces. I dint cried. Not a single shred of tear. There were times I was scared to go to bed, alone. But I dint let my mother know about it.
I was raised in a very loving and nurturing family. Before this incident, My Mom was a stay at home Mom and my Dad had a normal job and came home and spent time with his family. He loved my Mom and my Brother and I. Now my mother is marketing manager at some vehicle brand store, she never wanted be to a working lady back then, but time makes us do things we never imagined to be in at first place.

As I grew up. I compelled myself to accept things. To accept that, that I don’t have a dad. But one thing still engrosses my head every time, is he really dead? If he is, what happened exactly that time? Why mom had to lie to me. Yes I was kid at that time but what’s point in hiding that now. If I can’t understand then, maybe I can now. But still as said, No answers were there for me. My fatherly figure still remains a question. No whining.

Sometimes the whole thing is too much to take for me. I remembered once when mom had gone for some official trip to Mumbai, I checked the whole house. I was sure in myself that there could be something that could lead me to my answers. I checked everything there was there to see. Every paper, every shelves, every document of mom’s laptop, I found none. I felt paranoid. I felt defeated.
I went back to my bed keeping everything down in place. I dint wanted my mom to get hint of it. She was doing more than usual, to make our lives worth living. It took a lot of time for her to back everything on track. I dint wanted to remind her of the loss, to remind, her loss was far bigger than ours.
About my answers, I will always look over it and try to find them from my perspective. With all that said, there are many aspects of my life that I love, including my mother, and my friends, and yes I always feel this sense of loss. It's hard to even explain to someone how it feels to be orphaned(read dadless) when most of them have both parents and sane siblings at the very least.( I'm not saying I'd wish that on anyone) I don't understand what life lessons I'm supposed to learn from all this and when will that fine day arrives, when I’ll got all my answers and will be happy over it. I'm trying really hard though. I try to keep myself busy, and have been doing more things for myself and for my little dadless family. I have to move on. As such, It aint a big deal right!!