WRONG... everything seems to be going wrong. I don't know where the problem is!
I am missing my brother sometimes and father most of the times these day. I don't know why I miss my father whom I never knew.
What the hell is it, how can I be so foolish to miss him with whom I just remember one or two meetings in my entire life. yeah, missing brother does make sense but it is still unusual for me! I mean I am not a kind of homesick kids. I don't miss people that much, especially family members. Missing family members for me means that I am weak. And yes, at present I am feeling like a weak!
Something wrong is happening within me, apparently all seems fine, but something somewhere with me is wrong and the further wrong thing is that I am not bothering myself about it. If everything were alright with me, I would have given time to think upon what the matter is with me!
I am becoming reserve,rude rather than straight forward, getting isolated again, and most unusual is that I find myself missing someone whom I never missed in my entire life_ my father. I am finding myself helpless with my moods. I mean I could tolerate the meanness of others, like I did not use to care. I used to keep my head up, no matter whatever the situation may come. But now, I am finding myself a strange self whom even I don't know.
I feel no hunger, I feel not sleepy even after an exhausting day out in uni and then working hours after uni. I don't know, I just know that I move alone, whether I like it or not. It is not my rule, just that I cannot smile or talk about the things I don't want to. I want to stay silent most of the times.
I think I am becoming sensitive. I don't know why, but yes, I think so. May be I was sensitive deep inside but I never shown it or let it get expressed; not even mistakenly!
It is not that I feel bad; I just feel strange all the most of the times now.
I am not giving people what they expect of me. It is not intentionally. but I am having no more control over my moody nature. May be I am sick of "being calm" or sick of being "friendly".
I am doing the things I don't like. and it is all just happening. May b I m letting myself with the flow of life. but this is not Who I am. I am not doing anymore what I said I would do, I am not fulfilling my commitments ( no matter whether they are made with friends). I just cannot stand this careless attitude of mine. I certainly cannot digest myself being rude, mean or submissive with others, especially my closed ones. I hate ignorance and I therefore treat others the way I want to be treated myself but now I there is something quite unusual, I find my mates irritating and thus find myself ignoring them most of the times. I do feel bad about about it still. But, why I just can no more keep the situations in control!
I want to weep, but the tears don't show up. I don't know why I want to do so, but I do want to...
May be I am loosing my stamina of digesting the hard things...
May be I am changing...and It is always the changes I can not go well with. I hate changes!
this all is driving me insane. I don't want to speak about it to anybody, for it is not my way and moreover all my mates assume me as a strong happy girl... haha, it seems a joke to me now.
this time I have no solution nor an advice or a suggestion at the end of my post, for I am unable to think or you must say, I am unable to focus!
I know humans are moody, but I had been maintaining myself quite nicely, but not now.
I just know, if the change is coming to make me a weak,sensitive, rude girl; then I must prepare myself nip the evil in the bud!!!
