STRANGE PLACE:
Jaane kyun ajeeb si bechaini ho rahi thi, lag toh raha tha jaise saansein bas rukne hi waali hain.. Aankhein kisi kaam ki nahi thi, sab kuch jaise dhundla sa ho gaya ho - ekdam achanak se..
Ussi pal, ussi din laga ki mera rang-manch se naata tut hi gaya.. zindagi mujhse ya mai zindagi se na-khush ho kar chal diye alag alag raaste par..
Par, achanak ek awaaz - jaani pehchaani si, ek sparsh - kisi apne ka.. Pal toh jaise tham sa gaya..wo pal, sabse lamba aur haseen tha..
Dhundlepan ko hatne me kuch der laga aur jab sab saaf nazar aa raha tha toh jee kar raha tha ki aankhein moond lun, hamesha k liye .. !
Saamne ek bada sa sawaal khada tha, haath me ek "board" liye huye, jisspe likha tha ki kya aap taiyaar ho ?
Mujhe toh pehle kuch samajh nahi aya, sochti rahi, khub der tak.. Tab phir wohi awaaz phir se bolne laga -
"Taiyaar ho ? Apne aap se milne ko ?"
Phir se samajhne ki koshish karne lagi.. Wo awaaz iss baar kareeb se aaya, "kya hua ? Samajh nahi paa rahi ? Yehi toh hai tumhari zindagi ka ant. Ab se tum yahan rahogi, aatmaon k nagar me. Par uss se pehle tumhe khud ka saamna karna hoga. "
FLASHBACK :
Diary Entry1(14th feb) -
Aaj Valentines day hai. Har ladki ki tarah mai bhi saj dhaj k apne boyfriend ka intezaar kar rahi hun. Aaj na koi surprise na koi gift-exchange hoga. Aaj bas ek dusre ka haath pakad kar humne bheed me bhatakne ka socha hai. I know, sounds lame; but uss psycho ka yehi plan tha,ummm..par honestly mujhe bhi ye try karne ka mann hai. Hope ki mazaa aaega.
Dairy Entry2 -
Bangalore k Brigade road ka ye bheed, baapre baap ! Kaun kab kiske pairo tale dab jaaye, koi bharosa nahi.. Mera jaan mujhe apne gale se lagaye rakha hai ki kahin mai gum na ho jaun [waise, mujhe toh bada accha accha lag raha hai :) ].. Accha meri coffee aa gayi, later !!
STRANGE PLACE :
Wo sawaal robot ki tarah ussi jagah, bilkul waise hi khada tha aur mai usse ghoore jaa rahi thi, hazaaro cheezein dimaag me idhar udhar bhatak rahi thi. Yakeen karna namumkin tha ki "This is it"
Wo sab kuch jiss pe guroor tha mujhe, wo ab tha hi nahi. Aur ab bacha kya tha mere paas ??
FLASHBACK :
Diary Entry3 -
Aaj mujhe ekdam princess waali feeling aa rahi hai. Mera har ek nakhra wo bina jhagde utha raha hai. I am surprised ! Headed to Garuda mall .. Shopping time :) Later.
STRANGE PLACE :
Rone ka mann tha, koshish bhi kari, par koi fayda nahi tha. Aansu bhi bache nahi the mere paas. Sukhi sukhi aankhein aur rukha sa wo chehra, pata bhi nahi chal raha tha ki kam se kam wo chehra bhi tha ki nahi mere paas ab !
Shayad apne soch me poori tarah se kho gayi hoti agar uss awaaz ne mujhe phir se pukaara na hota. Par ye kya ! Ye toh alag si sunai pad rahi hai, kisi aur ki hai, par ye bhi pehchaani si hai.
Wo mujhse baar baar yehi pooch rahi thi "Kya tum khud ko maaf kar paogi ?"
[Mai hamesha se sochti thi ki mai toh acchi hun. Galati sudhaarti hun, ek hi galati dobara nahi karti, logon se pyaar aur unnka sanmaan karti hun. Aur iss kali yug me iss se jyada koi kar bhi kya sakta hai !?]
Achanak se kaafi zor se kuch tutne ki aawaaz aayi. Maine apne kaan aur aakhein band kar li. Wo shor khatam hone ka naam hi nahi le raha tha, jab tak maine apni aankhein band rakhi. Jaise jaise maine apni aankhein kholna shuru kiya, wo awaaz dheemi hoti gayi.
Meri ekdam saamne ek aaina tha. Par mai khudko dekh nahi paa rahi thi ussme, laakh koshisho k bawjud. Mai phir bhi aankhein malte malte dekh rahi thi, ek lay se.
Achanak laga ki uss aaine me koi bhaag raha ho. Jaise koi movie dekh rahi hun mai jissme koi bhaag raha hai.
Gaur se dekha toh wo mera bachpan ka ek puraana sa dost tha, jiska maine ek eraser chura liya tha aur ussne ghar pe meri wajah se daant khayi thi.
Usske turant baad maine apne ek cousin ko dekha, jisse maine dhokhe se gira diya tha aur usse chot aayi thi, zor se.
Phir lagataar aise log mere saamne aate gaye jinhe mere wajah se koi na koi takleef hui ho. Achanak maine apne mamma ko dekha. Wo bhaag toh nahi rahi thi, par ro rahi thi. Aur tabhi mere upar baarish hone lagi, aur mai samajh chuki thi ki wo meri maa ke aansu hain, ye unn motiyon ka hisaab tha jo mere liye bahaaye gaye hain, ya toh yun kahun ki mere wajah se bahaaye gaye hain.
Papa ko bhi dekha, par wo bas dekhte rahe mujhe. Na kuch kaha, na kuch kiya. Bas dekhte rahe. Aur unki nazre chubhne lagi. Yaad aa rahi thi wo har chhoti galati jisse wo has k nazar-andaaz kar dete the, aur mai sochti thi ki unhe kuch pata hi nahi chala.
Har kisike nigaahein pooch rahi thi mujhse ki kyun ? Kyun kiya maine aisa unnke saath ??
Kya bolti unhe ? Aur kya chahti bhi toh bol paati kuch unnse ? Jaa chuki thi mai duniya ko chhod kar. Sabse dur. Jahan se mai na maafi maang sakti thi aur na hi khudki aatma ko dilaasa de sakti thi ki koi nafrat nahi karta mujhse.
[Bebas aur lachaar thi mai wahan. Kos rahi thi khud ko ki ye kaisi zindagi jee li maine ? Kiya kya ? Aur mila kya ?
Waqt k saath chali toh zaroor par apne chahne waalo ko peeche chhod diya. Akeli thi. Bilkul akeli. Jo kuch bhi accha kiya tha, usska koi naam-o-nisaan nahi tha. Tha toh bas dhukh iss baat ka, uss andhepan ka jiss ke wajah se mujhe apne khushiyon k saamne dusro ke dard ka nazaara nahi dikha. ]
Bhulne ki koshish kar rahi thi. Chah rahi thi, ye sab band ho jaaye. Ab aur bardaash nahi ho raha tha.
Dheere dheere cheekhne chillane ki awaaz tham gayi. Aur maine aahiste apni aankhein kholi. Tab maine dekha... Mai apne aap se mili. Mai khud ko unn sab ke nigaahon se dekh rahi thi. Maine apni hi aankhon me khud k liye gussa aur nafrat dekha. Aur kuch hi der me wo aankhein sharm aur niraasha se jhuk k band ho gayi.
FLASHBACK :
Diary Entry4 -
Maine khub saari shopping ki. Dinner bhi kar liya. Ab ghar jaane ki baari :) I love Valentines Day. Kaash ye roz aata ;)
[I met with an accident. I was crossing the road, holding his hand. Suddenly from nowhere a taxi came rushing towards me. I flew off with the wind and he couldn't hold on to me. Thank God for that. I can feel myself, again !! I am coming back.. Back to life ? What's going on ? ]
[I kept promising myself that i would do anything to fix whatever mistakes i can. And never to hurt anyone, even if they deserve it ! Cause, i don't go bite a dog if it bites me. I wanted to come back. I wanted to be alive again ..]
CURRENT :
I am sitting in my house, writing this. So, of course i did win the battle. But tell me .. ? Did I really win ??
Can I really undo everything ? The hurt, the pain, the betrayal .. Can i take them all back ??
Can I forget Me staring at myself, Me disappointing myself ?
