I always wanted someone to stay by my side whenever I was sick. That was the time when I felt like my immune system gave up on me and till it restores normal body functions, I need a company of someone who would be there knowing I don't have much to offer but my weak self. I use to get sick a lot. And in those moments I use to get unconscious and lay on bed for hours. In those hours, I was only be able to open my eyes once or twice and badly wished to see someone sitting by my side, to at least give myself this hope that it's going to be okay...
Days passed, it got better but I didn't know this wasn't the end.
Now I feel sick all the time. Physically and more importantly mentally. I feel my bones are melting and soon they are going to get dissolved as if they are useless and weren't forming whole structure of my body. I feel my heart sinking. It’s like I am trying so hard to hold my skin together while every part of me is fighting against me. Fighting against survival.it gets tough to stay composed especially if you are in a fight with yourself. It’s exhausting as there are no breaks and no running away from your own self. I feel like my brain is going to explode. It’s like my body ache all the time. Like my organs are shouting as if they are trapped. I feel scared. Scared that till when I am going to hold on. I get mad and frustrated on the thought of letting go. How can I let myself sink in?
I feel like I am an old building which will collapse any time sooner. People come in my life, they stay for a while. Examine and get to see the weak pillars. When they know it’s going to shatter and they are not safe in here they leave and choose a modern well established building instead. Do you know how hopeless it makes me getting rejecting like this? I feel like I don’t belong here at all and I have to get dissolved and hide somewhere for forever.
But it’s hard when you can’t explain this to anyone. Even harder when you know they understand exactly what’s going on, that I am begging for help yet they decide to walk away .you decide to live without those you love. It’s like deciding not to breathe again. How can you breathe when you’re lungs are filled with pain. It’s like to feel hollow and completely empty on the inside and on the outside. It’s like a state of feeling sick all the time where I can't ask anyone to stay. How can you make a person stay with you forever?
