I always thought that somehow I will stay alive to see this day come through. Profound lies, unsaid words made it all worse than I could have ever imagined.
It was nine in the morning when the news came to me; they asked me to come immediately to the green lake. I sensed something wrong; it took me an hour to reach there. I was actually in my college spending one of those usual unhealthy kinds of day that I am usually disposed to.
Ramghad is a small town in Karnataka, heavy lies down here. And Green Lake is something that brings back my memories to the old days, it was my place to be in, to be there when no one was there, my troubles, my pain, my amplifications, it knows everything, every bit about me. I am certainly very much connected to this place. But this time I had this strange feeling, and euphoria.
It is just a small lake, rectangular in shape fenced with barbed wires. It used to be vacant every time, but that day it was covered, loaded with people. Few cops, and few photographers and a few news channel anchors. There was something about the lake that day, it seemed so dreadful.
Three bodies were floating over the lake. It was an old man, an old woman, a teen girl.
I recognised those faces from far, I needed no one to come and ask me. A senior cop came near me and made an apologetic face. I looked in to his face,’ My dad, my mom & my sister.’
‘I am sorry, we are into investigation, and we will soon find the culprit.’ He said as if he meant it.
But I knew that they were never going to find one. I saw my family lifeless, they were just bodies. I promised to myself that I will cry, if not today, sure for tomorrow.
If only they had, if only they had thought me as there one, this would have never happened.
That taunts, that grinned laugh, my childhood….was intense and dark.
They should not have done that to me, I did not deserve it…
, few years ago:
I still remember that day, I always was shy. I had no attraction, I lacked it maybe. I knew it although that I was not normal. I saw my fellow friends tease girls, fancy them, but I never had that sense. I don’t know why, I had no attraction to the opposite sex. I just felt blank, it was just blank, no emotion. It was as if I was facing an emotional testimony every single day.
I felt ashamed or as if I was made to feel that way. I don’t know why this happened to me, but there was urging towards the same sex. An unending passion, so I was legitimately different. I forgot to tell you my name, it is Dev. I liked Rahul; maybe he was same as me. I fancied him. It was clear that I liked men.
But that day it was just uncontrollable. He signalled me to come to empty chemistry lab. We just started to make out and I did not know from where my father arrived out of the whole world and caught us red handed.
He thrashed Rahul, and he was fuming with anger. He grabbed me by my collar and took me home. On arriving at home, he threw me badly; something had gotten in to him that day. There was a demon inside him. He flushed my face in the toilet, I couldn’t breathe, my mom and my little sister were just watching. They didn’t protest. As if they wanted the same. My face slinked. He thrashed me with cane and left me near the corner.
‘HOW DID YOU GET THIS,’ He shouted and thrashed me few more times.
‘I…I don’t know.’ I stammered.
‘YOU WILL SPOIL THE NAME OF OUR FAMILY, YOU SON OF A BITCH.’ He shouted again and went inside the kitchen.
He brought a burning ardour cane, it looked red. He unzipped my pants and hit me straight at my genitals. It pained, it pained desperately, and I was dying somewhere.
“THIS WILL BE A GOOD LESSON FOR YOU.’ He said and left me withering in pain.
Next day Rahul was gone, I never saw him again. My classmates were looking at me strangely. I ignored them and I had to learn to ignore them. It was going to be my life from then on, a period of ignorance.
Years passed and I was the same, but people around me were not….
Just few days back...
I am eighteen and I have my dreams, I want to join for cop training I said to my father.
And I will never forget his reply.’ Once a faggot, always a faggot,’ he said. It made me burn inside; he was definitely going to pay for this. They all were going too.
I remember my sister telling me, ‘Don’t touch my shit bro, it hates faggots.’
I cried, I cried, why people were mean to me, because I was not them, I was not straight, why my own father, mother, sister and friends, they were fucking mean to me. I deserved none of this.
It was my birthday, they did not wish and least I expected anything from them. I heard them talk behind me about me not being what they wanted and that were proud of my sister.
“He is a nasty little girl,’ my father said.
I decided to end it that day itself. Night is the best time, there was silence. My father seemed to be going out somewhere. I had his revolver in my hand. He hides it under a secret drawer. I entered his room, ‘What the hell are you doing here?’ he asked.
‘I am sorry.’ I said clutching the gun from behind.
‘SORRY FOR WHAT, FAGGOT.’ He mocked me.
I put the gun forward, he seemed shocked.” I am Sorry for being a faggot and sorry for sending you to grave.’ I shot him and blank, no more shit from him.
“What did you?” shouted mom from behind and bang she was gone too.
My sister watched in horror,’ Sorry, I don’t like shit.’ I said and shot her too.
I was intelligent to cover the gun with glouse and no one knew that I was in home. I was in my college hostel.
I disposed them in the lake, it was the only option. It was not tuff, having a car around helps.
And now I am in here, I have no guilt, but a pain, endless pain. I am satisfied.
It’s been a week since all of them are in hell; I wish they are there…
There is a knock at my door, I see cops, and I don’t frown because I know these fools will never find the murderer.
“We want you to be safe,” he says. “We think that there is a psychopath in the town. He is the one who must have murdered you parents and sister?”
“Be careful.” He pats my back.
“Don’t worry cop, I will take care of myself.” I say and grin to myself.
