Yes it burns, like hell it burns. Part of my soul is ripped apart, sending shivers down my spine. My face feels like an ashtray for packs of cigarettes burnt to their butts and my hands and legs feel like dipped in ice water. I am shaking out of fear, out of pain, out of anger and out of disappointment. I had foreseen it. This was supposed to happen, only that I need to accept now. The sharp edges of the broken pieces of my biggest dream are sunk deep into me to always remind me of it. Grafting it to five years of my life, I failed today. But my eyes are still dried. I look back to see all the moments I spent trying to work it out, taking every shit I was awarded with, with an everlasting smile on my face that is supposed to be charming. Life is all about how much shit you can take in. The more capable you are, the more shit you will take and the more shit you take in, you will get some more to deal with. I know it seems highly exaggerated and not worth it, but to me, it holds as much importance as the flow of red fluid through the atrium. Marked by deep pain, this one thing has moulded my whole life. In a matter of months, I will be called successful in worldly ways. I am going on the right way with right people in the right manner. But whatever I do, I can’t get back the thing which is responsible for whole of this success and whole of this fire. Something doesn’t seem alright. The night is still darker, the day is still gloomy. Voices still echo inside my head, shadows still linger, presence still is felt, pictures still play and it still does affect me the same, like it did five years back. I want to go to a place where memories do not haunt. I want to feel warmth of hugs again, heart without ache again.
Today I understand that its all over. Today I know my place, the place where I once stood and the place where I now stand. Today I feel disgusted at myself. Today I want to cry after 2 years of dried eyes which still are dried and I know wetting them is not under my power. Today I feel there is no one out there to give me some comfort, not even me. Today world feels empty, me being hollow. It’s just that
Today, a part of me died.
