Chapter 17- Let it go...
Love at first sight has been an interesting concept in my life. I never believed in it. Still don’t. Despite this most of my potential love stories had their basis in attraction in the first meeting. All of them were of course unsuccessful for one reason or another but it has always struck me as an amusing irony.
What i was going through now was a very interesting period of my life. For the first time i was feeling the taste of freedom. The college had been left behind for four months now. The compulsion of exams and other college atrocities had been lifted from me. I was in a new city of my own will, doing a job of my choosing. I had to lie to my family to achieve this but it didn’t weigh on my conscience. Now-a-days nothing much did.
First three months went away quickly with the flow of things. The registration and then the string of interviews followed by the new job and the novelty of working as a responsible person kept me quite busy; focused. I was a different person from what i had been these last few years and yet not unknown. I knew this side of me- i had felt this rush before. This sense of direction.
The next month i began to slow down. I was finally starting to figure out this strange city, starting to form a routine here. I was becoming aware of my surroundings, slowly returning to my old and more familiar self. I wonder how many of my problems have been due to my intolerance to a routine. Most of them i think.
It had been three months since i shifted to a flat near my hospital with three of my friends. The days of ‘Typhoid Dhaba’ were finally behind us. Now-a-days our main supplier of meals was a Doctor’s Mess in the Psychiatry and Neurosciences Hospital adjacent to out apartment- the Institute of Human Behaviour and Allied Sciences or IHBAS. This hospital was familiar to us as we had all given interviews here at some point. Mine had been during the first week of my interviewing period. It had been an amusing experience. I and the interviewers enjoyed it a lot and then i was rejected, as expected.
That was the coldest day in the last 43 years in Delhi with the maximum temperature being 9.8oC and minimum around 4oC. We were sure there was much more to come before the season changed in a couple of months. I was cocooned in my warm blankets and tapping away on my laptop. I was quite satisfied with my life at that moment. Suddenly my friend had an epiphany that we needed to eat. I looked around. There was nothing remotely edible within our reach and i told him so. He looked at me weirdly and said that he was talking about lunch. I glanced at my watch, 2:10 p.m. it read. I suggested a restaurant with a quick home delivery service. He refused and pointed out a few home delivery parcels scattered around.
“That’s what we have been doing for the last two days.” He said, “I want to have a proper lunch today.”
“What do you mean?” i asked him dumbly.
“Let’s go to IHBAS.” He said and got out of his own blanket. I stared at him as if he were an alien.
“You mean now?” i asked, just to be sure. “In this cold?”
“Yes.” He was determined. “A little exercise won’t hurt us, in fact it will help us keep warm.”
“Did you get a brain freeze or something?” i asked. He glared at me and tugged at my blanket.
“Come on now. Stop being lazy.” He tugged harder. I held to it as if it were my life-line. “It’s for your own good.” He grunted.
I lost our impromptu tug of war. I hate it when people do things for my own good. Thoroughly displaced from my previously comfortable environment, i reluctantly got up. I put on some cloths and approached the wash-basin. I stared at the innocent looking water tap. I knew what would happen if i decide to use it. Just thinking of the freezing water was giving me additional shivers.
“Get on with it.” M y friend cried exasperated. I took solace in his frustration and decided to be rebellious.
“No.” I declared haughtily. “I think i look just fine.”
“You do know your hair is a mess, right?” he quizzed. Hair sometimes do reflect personality, especially mine. They were uncontrollable with a stubborn mind of their own. It was quite an effort to get them to lie down in a semblance of order. Just like me.
“Not really.” I disagreed. “Consider this my hairstyle for today.”
He shrugged amused and left it there. He was familiar with my quirks by now. We got out of our apartment. It was chilly outside with cold wind blowing. I glared at my friend who hurried his pace, looking anywhere but at me. Five minutes of swift walking and we reached IHBAS. It was another couple of minutes before we reached the protective cover of the hospital building. Here we had our first encounter.
Walking before us was a group of three; one man and two women. The woman nearest to us was wearing a wine red woollen overcoat going up to just below knees, showing a hint of shapely legs and a pleasing figure. Her perfectly straight-haired head turned sideways to talk to her male companion and gave us a glimpse of her face. My friend sighed in admiration.
“Wow.” He said, switching to Marathi. “She is quite a pretty girl.” One of the perks of being from another state in Delhi was that you could talk in your mother tongue and the people surrounding you won’t think much of it. This way you could say any number of things, facing them without batting an eyelid, which you would rather not say if they understood it.
Admiration however, especially between men and women, manages to convey itself anyway. People and more commonly women are able to sense when a guy is talking about them, admiring them. I think of it as a sixth sense, exclusively present in the female half of our species. My friends of course think of this as another of my weird ideas but i manage to ignore them, easily.
This lady too may have sensed we were talking about her or maybe she was curious about who was walking behind her but she turned her head more fully around and gave us a long searching look. This made my friend happier. She was indeed beautiful with a fair complexion and clear unblemished skin.
“More of a woman.” I corrected my friend while matching her stare which she kept for a moment more and then turned to her companions again. “She must be at least a couple of years older than us, if not more.”
“Yeah, go on.” My friend sighed. “Rain on my parade. Can’t you just admit that she is beautiful?”
“I never denied it.” I informed him. “I just made an observation. Her face has a mature look. Her figure is between the line of pleasant and starting to let go. She wears a bit too heavy make-up for my taste anyway. Not my type of girl but yes she is pretty.”
“Gee! I don’t remember asking you to like her.” He cried in mock surprise. I dismissed him- he could be quite melodramatic sometimes- and steered him away from the group.
“But you made an observation and i made mine.” I said dragging him along towards the mess as the group of three walked further inside the hospital. “Besides the mess is this way.”
The meal was of course unfulfilling but that was okay. We were in a Mess after all. It would be weird for me to eat in a college Mess and not be able to discuss the low quality of food with friends. These discussions are very fruitful. Just last week it resulted in us realising that this low quality of food may be due to conspiracy of some ‘Foreign Powers’ to hamper our country’s progress by keeping the future generation undernourished.
“Roti, Bhaiya?” the serving boy asked me, holding a plateful of hot Rotis. I stared at him. Was this boy, in fact, a secret agent working for those ‘Foreign Powers’? That innocent look on his face was too perfect.
“Give me two.” I said firmly, determined to eat my share and foil this evil plan of starving me. I’ll do my bit for my country!
Just then i noticed a slight increase in the chatter surrounding our opposite table. The table which was previously occupied by four males now had one more male and two females, one of whom was wearing a wine red coat.
“Oh.” My friend perked up. She was sitting facing us still wearing that coat so it was impossible not to notice her. Too loud a presence for my taste. I told my friend so and he promptly ignored me.
“I knew i was right to come here today.” He said dreamily.
I sighed, shook my head and concentrated on the more immediate threat- the food. Was it spiked with some kind of slow poison? Something that will decrease the capacity of my mind to think so that after a point I’ll continue to eat mindlessly, ingesting more of the poison. Or maybe it had something addictive in it that will keep me coming back. Or maybe....
“She is looking at us!” my friend hissed in excitement. I looked up annoyed. What right did he have to disturb me while i was thinking on such an important topic?!
“Who?” i asked irritated.
“That girl!” he hissed again. His hissing was disturbing me so i decided to take more interest in the matter. I looked at where he was pointing.
“The girl who we established is older and quite loud?” i asked just to be sure, as i noticed that she was indeed throwing frequent glances at our table while simultaneously managing her conversation with five guys. Man, that girl was a pro!
“That’s your opinion not mine!” My friend was quick to protest. I chuckled as i continued to observe the girl. Seeing me smile the girl raised an eyebrow, gave me a coy smile and leaned towards her female companion; whispering. I wiped the smile off my face quickly. Great! Now she probably thought i was a blubbering fool smitten by her charm and trying to flirt with her- just like another blubbering fool sitting beside me.
The girl continued to whisper with her friend for quite some time, punctuating with an occasional giggle. Unable to resist my curiosity, i finally turned to look at her friend. She was sitting opposing one of her male friends which was why it took me so long to notice her but now as she leaned sideways to whisper with her friend i finally got a glimpse of her and.... Wow!
It was not that she was the most beautiful girl i had even seen, not even close. In fact if you asked ten people, out of them eleven will reply that her red coat friend was prettier than her. Neither did she have this amazing dressing sense, or an enchanting voice or even a strategically placed beauty spot to distinguish her. She was just plain and simple your average next door girl. All of this was registering in the logical portion of my mind but i could no longer hear it as clearly as i used to. All i could think was that she was just... right.
She was wearing a charcoal black woollen overcoat which made a good contrast with her friend’s bright one but at the same time was sober enough that when put alone it hardly registered in the mind. Above the heavy woollen collar was a head full of thick dark shiny ringlets of hair cascading down her shoulders as if she had decided to free them that day and just let them flow. They framed an oval face with a dusky complexion, a pert nose and dark brown expressive eyes poorly hidden behind black thick framed glasses. She looked at me from the corner of her wide eyes, her lips slightly parted as if withholding a question.
“... Wow.” I sighed involuntarily.
“Finally!” my friend crowed. “Finally you too had to admit that she is amazing.”
“Who?” I asked, coming out of my short trance.
He glared at me. “Not that again.”
I looked at him confused till i finally realised what he meant. “Oh. Oh! No, no, no. I didn’t mean her. I meant the other girl.”
“What other girl?” my friend asked genuinely confused while looking around for any other pretty girl he might have missed.
“There you idiot.” I pointed her out. “The one right besides the girl you have been mooning about.” He looked at her, then back at me and then again at her to get a closer look.
“The one in black coat?” he asked me. I nodded.
“Are you sure?” he wanted confirmation. I nodded again. He gave me a severely constipated look and finally burst out.
“Are you nuts?!” he hissed.
“What do you mean?” i asked.
“I show you a seriously mind blowing girl,” he hissed again, i was starting to get worried for him. “and you like her scrawny sidekick?!” I stared at him aghast for a few moments.
“She is not scrawny.” I said defensively.
“Yeah?” he asked sarcastically.
“Yeah!” i insisted. She definitely was thin of stature but in a way that added to her delicate charm. “She is just... thin-boned.”
He snorted. “What the hell does that even mean?”
“It’s just like big-boned but the opposite.” I said confidently. He stared at me, disbelieving.
“This is weird,” he concluded, shaking his head, “even for you.”
“What do you mean?” I asked “that’s a valid term.”
He refused to answer me.
“And what’s wrong with her?” I persisted. ‘Maybe not as much as your girlfriend of last 20 minutes but she is pretty!”
“Maybe,” he finally responded. “If she was alone then she might look attractive in a cute sort of way. But in the present company? No way man.”
“Well,” i said diplomatically, “the present company doesn’t matter to me anyway so i don’t see your point.”
“It’s like arguing with a mirror, it throws everything back at you.” He sighed in defeat. “Well to me that means less competition for the pretty one. In fact it would help me if you distract the sidekick.” He grinned. As if that girl needed help from her friend! She was successfully manipulating five guys without breaking a sweat. She’ll eat my poor naive friend alive!
Speaking of the Devil the red coat girl finally realised that instead of her someone seemed to be interesting in her friend. She frowned as if unaccustomed to this new phenomenon and gave me a little glare. I ignored her and continued to stare... er observe her friend. Then she again leaned towards her friend and whispered something. The reaction was instant. The black coat girl’s eyes widened as her head whipped around to stare at me, a moment later she was hiding behind the guy opposite her again. I was satisfied with this. The interest was conveyed and instead of disgust or disappointment the reaction was that of surprise. Surprise is good. It was a positive sign.
After this the meal ended quickly and both of our groups left the Mess simultaneously. Till then i continued to ‘observe’ her. My friend, noticing my continued interest in her tried to make me see the reason by claiming that i could do much better than her and that this was destined to doom. I didn’t mind him though. I kept grinning. For every time i looked at her, i saw her stealing glances at me too. Positive sign indeed.
The signs were obvious to me. The pattern was repeating itself. Being in a new place had kept me focused and occupied enough, Ignoring the ‘Lovina’ incident a couple of months back, i didn’t have had to keep vigil against that pest ‘Love’ for more than an year now. How happy I had been this whole time! Now apparently it was back again. I many times wonder if this disease will keep affecting me my whole life. The answer is always troubling.
I have to admit, i was blindsided. If i had been cautious enough, i would have recognised the signs for what they represented. How many times had i been attracted to the relatively average friend of the prettiest girl? Especially if i had not interacted with her, didn’t know zit about her nature or behaviour and had not even seen her before. This was not a normal crush. It was ‘that’ thing again.
A crush would have been preferable. It would have been short, intense and depending upon the girl’s feelings, even enjoyable. I could have just gone with the feelings, acted brashly and ended it. But sadly it was not a crush.
My hospital shifts being rotatory, i couldn’t go to IHBAS daily but any time i could i was there with my friends, voluntarily or involuntarily trying to catch her glimpse. Most of the time i succeeded. I started thinking of her at odd times (once even during giving a patient CPR but i managed to recover quickly.) and later at most of the time.
I could feel the feelings developing for her quickly with no encouragement at all, as if finally getting the chance to grow after all these years of me keeping them suppressed. This was not good. I could handle a quick affair, a casual relationship or anything really where i was not too emotionally involved. I was not above saying ‘I Love You’ to someone as long as i didn’t mean it; didn’t feel it. It was the actual thing that i was not ready to face again, not yet. So i needed to stop this before it became too late.
Isolation could work. I’d just stop going to IHBAS and by extension stop seeing her. It’d take some time but i will forget her, eventually. But every time i have tried this in past, it was too painful, unbearable. This time the attraction was strong so i was not sure for how long i could resist the temptation to see her. So really there was just one way out of this for me- i had to find a reason. A solid reason not to fall in love.
Finally able to think clearly and armed with a new purpose i started to observe her more objectively. Was there a chance that i misinterpreted her interest in me? Maybe she was naturally flirty or even curious about new people. But no, the more i observed her the more i realised that she was a straight forward person bordering on shyness. This was maybe the reason why she hung out mostly with girls.
Maybe she had attitude problems? Too egoistic? But i knew this was not a reason enough to not fall in love with her. God knew i had enough of my own attitude problems.
Freak? Normal freaks i don’t mind; i was one too after all. But not hygiene freak or make-up freak. That indicated inferiority about oneself, as if you are compensating for something you are ashamed of. She didn’t have this too. Well it would have been too easy anyway.
Manipulator? This was the thing i hated most. If i had found anything supporting this then it would have been reason enough. Sadly from the range i was observing her it was not possible to judge. For that i needed to get close to her and for that i needed to talk with her. That was a big risk. My lack of interaction with her was the only thing keeping my feelings from growing exponentially.
Distance. That was it. After honesty, the thing that i value most in a relationship is the mutual respect and interest. If the other party is not genuinely interested in you then you have no right to force your feelings on them. So one of the cardinal rules for me is don’t proceed till you are sure that the person you are interested in also has more than a passing interest in you. Our eye-to-eye flirting had been going on for a few days now. It was hard for me to admit that it would hurt me if she suddenly started ignoring me. Will it hurt her if i did the same?
Next time i was in the Mess i ignored her for the whole time in favour of chatting with my friends. It was inexplicably hard to resist looking at her but i somehow managed. At the time of leaving i casually looked at her and saw her looking back at me with a frown. I continued this for a few more days. I ignored her even when i saw her in corridors. One day when my friends had already gone to Mess and i was running a little late i saw her coming from the opposite side. I stopped in my tracks. She saw me, hesitated and came to stop a couple of steps before me.
I couldn’t help staring at her. In simple jeans and a maroon sweater, she looked beautiful that day; more than she ever did before. I wanted to tell her that, to say that she was gorgeous but having said it just once before in my life and the heart break i had to endure that time i wasn’t sure how to say it; how it was said anymore.
She opened her mouth but no words came. Maybe she stubbornly wanted me to initiate the first contact as all the girls expect it to be or maybe she was unsure of my reaction. Whatever the reason she remained quiet that day. I often wonder what would have happened if she had taken the initiative. If she had realised that sometimes a guy with his emotional immaturity, doesn’t know what is expected of him; that sometime it’s up to the girl to just take the initiative and lead him by the ear. If she had just talked to me.
I controlled my wildly pumping heart and starting walking away. Just as i crossed her i saw it. On her face was the answer that i had been searching for the last few days. An answer that i now wished i hadn’t found. On her face that day, i saw hurt.
I hardly ate anything that night. That was it. There was now even logically no reason not to love her.
It took me a few more days to come to this realisation and finally accept it. People fall in love all the time. It can’t be that bad. It doesn’t have to always end in heart-break. There are happy endings too. After all, i asked myself, how hard can it be to open yourself to someone else completely. To stop pretending, to hold back nothing and share everything. To make someone your emotional column of strength, to have no fear of them failing you, betraying you. However guarded he may live, a man has to eventually trust someone, some time.
With these thoughts clouding my mind i finally went to IHBAS for dinner. While crossing the road to the hospital’s side i saw her leaning on a bike outside the ATM, adjacent the hospital gates. I stood still. She hadn’t noticed me. she looked good. She was obviously waiting for the person using the ATM so there was probably a night-out planned.
I looked through the transparent doors of the ATM. There was a guy using it. He was of about my height but pudgy. His work finished he got out of the ATM and smiled at her. His chubby oval face dimpled. She smiled back. A flash of jealousy went through me. She gave me up for this tub of lard?! I thought angrily. But my anger melted away as i saw his face closely. He smiled at her genuinely, as if just the thought of her waiting for him made him the happiest man in the world.
How could i hate him for that? How could i hate him for having something that i didn’t- the ability to love freely and unconditionally. Something that she deserved. Something that, if her wide smile was any indication, made her happy.
He somehow got on the bike and then fumbled for his keys. She shook her head amused and turned around. That was when she saw me. It was as if we had never left that hospital corridor. Her face flashed that same expression of hurt and perhaps longing for a moment before she finally brought her expressions under control. She didn’t hesitate again as she got on the bike behind him and they drove off.
It was then, standing outside the hospital in cold, after having given up that i finally found my reason.
It wasn’t just that she had moved on- the slip of her expressions for that moment proved that there was still something there. But i knew that pursuing that will bring only pain for both of us. I realised that i wanted her to move on.
No. The main reason was that smile on that guy’s face for her. That smile that was reserved for her, that made her feel special. I wanted her to always have that smile. And the only way i could ensure that was by not interfering. By letting my feelings for her go.
I snorted. On the scale of reasons that i found to not fall in love, this one was pretty weird!
(p.s.- i was working on this new project but was not sure about its feasibility so i wanted a second opinion. while thinking about where to get it i remembered my wonderful friends here. so here it is guys for your consideration. tell me how was it.)
