through my eyes's Diary

its 3am and i am up, i am not working, i am dying. i had thought its gonna be fun working but its just one month and i hate my work af. i dont wanna do this shit, its so shit that it makes me puke.
i have realized i just cant work. its not my cup of tea. i am so negative about my work. its bad, it just sucks.
if i ll not work then what will i do? die? yeah, i ll jump of my terrace.
what the fuck is this? holi shit. whole life you have to work your ass off.
-_-
i wish dying was easy.
i dont wanna work. i wish i had an option of quiting it.

I close my eyes and I see small me playing GTA games in my home in my heavy box computer. But that home is replaced by my current city, that computer is replaced by office computer, and GTA game is replaced by designing softwares like CATIA.

I was flying a virtual airplane in GTA, suddenly woke up and found myself designing a real one in CATIA.

Time flew so fast.

i am sitting in front of my super fast windows 10 laptop with a 40mbps internet doing nothing in it. i am remembering how i was obsessed to computers n stuff back in my school days. I was so obsessed that my dream was to become a software engineer lol, btw I am mechanical design engineer.

I remember me and my friends used to talk about computers and technology all the time in class. My greatest obsession was WINDOWS. Yes the world’s most popular computer operating system family, the MICROSOFT WINDOWS. I have installed and used almost all windows starting from windows 98 ME 2000 XP VISTA 7 8 8.1 and 10. When I got my first pc in class 4th I had both 98 and xp. In 2007 vista hit the market, I was totally mad about it, finally when I got it, I installed it in my dabba pc which had amd athenol with 700 mb ram. Loool. It worked like shit, also it didn’t support display driver. Then in 2009 windows 7 came. It was fantastic. then I finally got the new motherboard the ASUS P5 with intel dual core. I used to have dreams about windows back in my school days :P I still love windows 7 which was born in 2009 more than the highly advanced windows 10.

My other obsession was processors and hard disks, back in that time when I got tmy first PC, Pentium 3 and 4 were ruling the world. I still remember people telling bro mere pc me Pentium 4 hai. They were ofcorse 50 percent slower than todays i3 i5 i7 but it was 2004 and its 2018. My future kids will laugh if they ll see windows 7 or vista but they ll never know the charm of these OS. Todays generation will never know how it felt when u need to install internet router or even the sound driver and display driver. When it comes to hard disk I was using 80GB hard drive hahaha. My phone today has more storage than that. I dnt remember how many hard drives I have unscrewed and fucked it up. Today we have small static drive with tera bytes of storage but those were the days when heavy mechanical disc used to rotate inside a box at 7200 rpm and held just some giga bytes with them.
In 2011 I developed obsession of laptop. I so much wanted a laptop. I used to read about laptop all the time. but I got one in 2015. All these new sleek latops are nice but those suicase sized laptops were so hot lol, they were hot in looks as well as in temperature.

One more thing is internet. I started using internet when I was in class 8th. But it wasn’t a broadband it was a mobile usb tethering that too 2G, which took years to load page :P which after some year upgraded to 3G. but I used to value it. I dnt value my today’s 40 mbps broadband.

I used to play with all these things but today I have no time for these obsessions. Now I use my laptop and internet for work. Those days are gone when these stuff were my toys. Everything changed so soon. I close my eyes and think about the years 2005-2010 and all those heavy machines, it feels like its yesterday. But they have gone years back.

Box monitors (CRT) are replaced by sleek LCDs.
Slow Dial up internet is replaced by superfast fibre-net lines.
Pen drivers are replaced by cloud storage.
Pentium 3 is replaced by i3.
Those boxy 4kg laptops are replaced by sleek ultrabooks.
Classis Windows xp is replaced by modern windows 10.
Rotating hard disks are replaced by SSDs.
Bachpan ke tech obsessive thoughts are replaced by tension and stress.
Bachpan ki excitement is replaced by calmness.

Everything has changed but one thing which is still fresh is memory.

It hadn't been long since we had met
Though we started as strangers
first day of introduction was not to
regret.
She stole from me my heart,
Now I m confused from where to start.
Dressed in black, with those heels.
You should have seen those dark
eyes.
I cant explain with my words, how it
feels.
The soft and the glamour of her skin.
That cute frown that grows on her
chin.
She is one of her own kind.
Thinking of her always blows my
mind.
The way she laughed and giggles.
I am stuck in solving her brain
riddles.
She is crazy, food loving, and caring
Loves the adventure that's daring.
She is perfect at her life.
Girl: this is for you " be my wife".
Cause you are beauty at ur
imperfections.
You are the reason for my exaltation!

I was standing in the pouring rain,
holding her hand;
down by the 6th lane.
looking at her gloomy eyes,
washing my pride and pain;
no, i didn't want that night to end.

she looked at me with eyes so bright
sorry, I couldn't pretend that everything's alright.
i held her hand, put me around her.
we were getting comfy ,
to the heat of our body.
while i listen to her scold,
being drenched and soaked in cold.
I was standing in the pouring rain,
holding her hand;
down by the 6th lane.
i could feel the pain,
the rush of blood through her veins,
feeling those feelings ;
were driving me Insane.

I hugged her so tight,
held her closer to me,
being afraid that,
it might be another dream,
on another night.
Nothing felt so perfect,
and everything was alright.

I was standing in the pouring rain
holding her hand;
down by the 6th lane.
the rain stopped and cleared the sky;
while i kissed her ,
under the silver lining of the moonbeam.
spent the rest of the time,
up and gazing  her beauty;
under the million star stream.

everybody lives 2 lifes, one is real and the other is imaginary. other one is always a secret and inside one's head.
that imaginary life is so perfect that you imagine it all the time, before sleeping, after waking up, while in the bus, in train.
when you know she cant be yours but in imaginary life she is yours. you hold her hand in imaginary life but your heart skips a beat in real life.
she cant be yours but she is your already yours in imaginary life. some times you go so deep in your imagination that you dont want to realize the truth.
the more you think of her more beautiful she becomes to you.
and the best part is when you dream your imaginary life while sleeping, everything feels very real. then you wake up and it takes some minutes to register the reality.
its not always about a person but many things, but most affecting part of your imaginary life is always that person.
hope that gray scale filter applied imaginary was true.

Ham UP originated log grandfather ko “baba” bolte hai.
Mera mere papa se koi aach link ni tha kabhi. Bachpan se baba ne hi papa ka pyaar diya hai.
Ghar mera Chhattisgarh ki raajdhani Raipur me hai. 2003 me gyan ganga Raipur ka top school hua krta tha. Baba ne mera admission us school me karaya, tab mai class 1me tha. Bachpan guzarta chala gaya. Class 10th yani ki 2012-13 me mai typical teenager ki tarah tha, ghar walo se naffrat hone lagi thi. Mai baba ki bhi bahot disrespect krta tha, lkin baba ne kabhi kuch nahi bola. 11th-12th me mujhe ghar se naffrat hone lagi thi. Mai bas yahi sochta tha ki Raipur se nikalna hai bas. Mera 12th me bahot kharab result aaya tha, tab saare ghr wale saare relatives bas mujhe data rahe the, bas ek insaan tha jo mujhse bht pyaar se baat krra tha, mere baba. Mere result k baad mai bht roya, mujhe rota dekh baba bhi roye. Mai us din baba ko pehli baar rote dekha, unhe rote dekh mai andar se mar sa gya.
College admissions k time koi mujhe bahar bhejne ko ready nahi tha coz m an average student. Baba ne mujhse pucha kaha padhna hai tumko, mai bola baba Nagpur ya Bangalore jane ka man hai. Baba ne mera admission Bangalore k ek reputed college me kara dia management quota se. jab mai pehli baar ghr chodh raha tha mai bht khush tha. 1 saal baad mujhe ghr ki yaad aani shuru hui. Wo sari galtian, wo disrespect jo maine ki, wo sab aaj chubhti hai. Saal me bas 2 bar ghr jana ho pata hai. Ghr me sabse zada khush bhi baba hote hai mujhe dekh k. mai aur baba ek jaise hai. Bahar se ekdam strong islie kabhi ek dusre k samne kabhi dikhate ni emotions. Lekin mujhe pata hai wo mujhe yaad krke rote honge Raipur me.
Ab ghr aur ghr walo ka pyaar kabhi naseeb nhi hoga. Ek bar nikal gae ab kaha wapas jaenge. Holidays me jitti baar Raipur se wapas aata hu takeoff me aankhen nam ho hi jaati hai.
Aaj jitti aachi life hai asih wali wo nahi hoti agar baba ni hote to. Ye sab samjhne k lie jab tab umar aai tab tak bht der ho gai. Ab bas phone me baat hoti hai aur saal me 2 baar mil lete hai.
I love you baba.

I am in doubt,
Whether or not you ;
Have been hearing me out.
I am in worry,
My worst mistake;
Letting you go.
and I am sorry;
I am hurt so bad.
I made you so sad;
I am depressed,
I love the way;
You moved my stress.
I am alone,
Think of you as my all;
Has been long gone.
I think of you,
Every now and then;
I wonder we will meet when.
I know, you care,
Seeing you happy;
Is what I fare.
I know, you love,
Cause baby
You bring me peace as a white Dove.
I know, there’s Chaos in you,
There’s nothing I wouldn’t do
All you need, is ask for it
And all world’s gonna be yours.
I know, it’s your birthday
It’s special for you,
Yet, I don’t have anything special to say.
I know, I am blank
Blank as a vacuum,
You fill it with your universe.
I could go on
But, I would run out of words
And they won’t be rhyming in verse
It sounds perfect, so let’s not make it worse.

logo se pyaar karo ya naffrat
ek din to mar hi jana hai
kaam acha karo ya bura
ek din to mar hi jana hai
paise kamao ya nahi
ek din to mar hi jana hai
zindagi me kuch haasil karo ya nahi
ek din to mar hi jana hai
life se kuch expect karo ya nahi
ek din to mar hi jana hai
life aachi banao ya nahi
ek din to mar hi jana hai

Oh yes i am awake again
Again in between the night
My eyes won’t shut
And are open out wide
This hour of the day
Feelings won’t hide
Oh yes i am awake again
Again in the sleep
No more dreams for me
nightmares- it seems
This hour of the night
There is no pride.Oh yes i am awake again
Again in this spots of street lights
Like a shadow following
The blurred lines
In This hour of today
May my light be my guide.

Will you keep the music playing?
I dont wanna loose you.
Will you just shut up and ;
Hear to what i am saying?
So can we keep this moment
And seal it within our hearts.
Things have never been the same before
Nor will they be the same again
But today you make me feel alive
Alive again,
I have learned to love again
Erase my hate, i was so consumed in
So baby will you stay like this forever
And promise me to smile
When you see my name again
And remember time we laughed
Hugged and kissed
To every breath we took together
And to every heartbeat we missed
We can skip all details
But the smile on your face
Will never be erased nor will it fade
With every passing day
I will love you more and more each day.
So baby will you still love me when
When i am gone, gone in the wind
Erased my scent, my trails
Will you still search for me
Like you did just before today.
So baby when you find me
that someday, i will uphold my promise
I will be there, there for you
Care for you and you dont
Dont wanna have to cry anymore
And i will , i promise i will watch you
Watch you from the shadows
I promise i will pick you up
When you stumble and fall
And push you further up
Up to the skies, where i believe
Heaven exists , cause baby
You are an angel

What hurts?
Is when you aren't feeling well.
Still waiting for the person,
Hoping they would ring the door bell.
What hurts?
Is when you find something so perfect,
And somewhere you found ;
Never was worth it.
What hurts?
Is when you are waiting for a text,
While you are being ignored
Even if it was your best.
What hurts?
Is when you cry yourself to sleep,
The next morning
And you cut yourself so deep.
What hurts?
Is when your day starts alright
Struggling through the day
it turns to a wreck by midnight.
What hurts?
Is when you think of someone all day,
And realising that, they pushed you away.
What hurts?
Is when you are soaking your blood in wine.
Hoping that one day it would all turn out fine.
What hurts?
Is when you think it's a perfect life,
And the very next moment you search for knife.
What hurts?
Is when you love someone,
Even when not in sight.
When they left you in the dark
On the street by the lamplight.

My world lies
Between the spark
In her eyes
She said ," dont be afraid of the dark"
Cured my life of the love and bliss
But never crossed my mind
She would do this,
Cursed my love for lust
And seek between her legs.!!


What was she thinking
That she would lay eggs!
Well thats just a metaphorical irony
Bitch ," you are not horny !"
Pass me one when you lay eggs
To make sure that it doesnt hatch
I will play the game of catch catch
Or rather play a match
Or hit it with a bat
Or make an omlet and feed it to a cat

I bet you will ever elope,
Well thats the best part dont lose hope
Or rather go fuck an antilope
Now that I dont give a fuck
You are overrated, you suck !
Chose the profession of a whore
You are waste of time , a bore.
This comes from the bottom of my heart
Or rather the core!
Inform me when you fucked four
I would come up and give the score.

They say virginity is purity
Well some people define it as
Lack of oppurtunity
Well human imagination is one of a kind
Sitting here and imaging how you would fuck
Owh , thats great , sperm all over your face
You brought your parents grace.


Now if you blame me for doing this
Yes I did this, and I m not guilty
This is what you have been blaming me for
Now do anything ,

(not dedicated to any one)

fuck -_____________-
waiting for holidays to end
chattisgarh me ghar kyu hai mera... sab aand hai yaha. nothing is perfect here.. sala admi ko kaam hai aur net dhang se ni chalta. online payment me jitni der me page khulta hai utni der pe otp expire ho jata hai. ek bhi mobile operator aache se service nahi deta. barish hoti hai to road gayab ho jati hai. #### jaisi to road banate hai. raipur rajdhani hai cg ki aur yei aisi city hai. holidays nikalna mushkil ho jata hai yaha.
MISSING MY COLLEGE

i am missing my first love :(
n0thing new in that :p
i was listening to all those songs of time of my 8th and 9th class. i was so into 2010-2011, then all of a sudden i realized i am in 2016.
whenever i miss those moments i cry and smile at the same time. when she used to come to a tution near my tution in class 8th, timing was so perfect that my tution used to used to end 15 mins before that of her, i didn't know about this tution thing. one day i suddenly saw her and she gave a smile, she gave me an heart attack.
daily i went to see her, she knew that i loved her, every day i thought to talk with her but i was unable to, every day we just gave looks and year ended. then came the fianl exams of 8th class, it was the first time that we both were in same hall, i was in first seat and her siting arrangement was so that she was visible to me easily. in every exam when i saw her she gave smile. one exam was after holi, she looked damn cute after holi, when i saw her i said to myself "beta ye exam to gaya" and i really ruined that exam.
8th standard was really best part of my life till now. full of smiles, looks, her cute laughs, i miss her aloooooooooooot man.
after that she left school, even city, her last day in school wss the first day when we talked. we exchanged our numbers. she texted me after 2 days. i proposed her and she accepted me. our relationship lasted from 14th april 2011 to 8th october 2011. reason of breakup was our parents.
after that 2 years she didn't talk and now we are friends.
i am in bangalore she is in chennai, but we hardly talk. i don't know why every time she is in city which is beside my city. first raipur-bhilai now bangalore-channai.
i cant talk to anybody about her coz no one will understand.

kitni asani se tu keh deti hai ki mai tujhse pyaar nahi krta
kitni asani se tu keh deti hai ki its not gonna work out
kitni asani se tu mujhe un baton k lie chilla deti hai jo tu khud hazar baar kr chuki hoti hai pr mai kabhi nahi bola
kitni asani se tu mujhe dusro ladko se compare kr deti hai
tu kya jaane kitna rulati hai tu
tu kya jaane kitni baar teri wajah se rote rote soya hu
tu kya jaane din me hazar baar dil tod deti hai tu
mai tujhe kabhi kuch nahi bola kyuki tujhse pyaar krta hu
kabhi meri jagah le ke dekh, seh nahi paegi
itna mat rula
kabhi pyar se bhi baat kr lia kr
jis din apne baare me sochne laga us din emotions nahi bachenge
dil mat todna, ek bar toot chuka hai, agar ab toota to
kahi door chale jaunga, tu mujhe pukarti rhegi magar wapas nahi aaunga mai

#its not frustation.
#its not to hurt some couple.
#its just for fun.

jis din ladke ko kisi ladki se pyar hua us din se uski lagni shuru ho jati hai. according to girls, i love you bol do to ham despo hai, nai bolo to ham phattu hai. baat kro to ham flirt mar rahe, baat nahi kr rahe to we have lost interest. at the end ladki accept krti hai. us din se boss apke operator ke aadha server traffic ko apko hi bharna padhta hai. asli drama start hota hai ab.

har din subah uth k good morning bolo nahi bole to "baby ab aap mere se pyaar nahi krte"

raat ko 2 baje miss call marengi, agar call back nahi kie to drama agar kie to dunia ki panchayat krengi. raat ko 2 baje mai kya kru jaan ke ki uske baju wali roomate k frnd ko fever ho gya.

poore time call pe dunia ki baaten krni hoti hai, isne aisa kia usne aisa kia uska wo mar gya baju wale ne aachar khaya pr mujhe ni dia, wo samne wali ladki new phn li aur batai ni, aaj usne mere jaisi dress phni, usne mujhe charger ni dia, aaj meri roomate apne bf se baat ni ki.

khud k 10 male frnz ho chalega, ham agar ek female frnd bana lie to "you have lost interest in me". khud 10 ladko k sath sara din ghumengi, ham ek ladki k sath baju wali shop chale age to "tumhe to bas dusro k sath rhna h go have sex with her"

agar unke male frnz k bare me zara sa b kuch bol do "u dont trust me anymore, ni pasand to bolde". wo chahe kch bhi bol le hamari frnz k bare me. agar galti se b hamara phn bzy aagya to "kisse baat krre the? double date krre ho? u r cheating on me?"

khud dinbhar bahar ghume baat na kre to koi dikkat nai, ham 10 min k lie bahar gae aur text ni kia to "bas ghumo tum to mere lie to time ni hai tumhare pas"

inki to baaten bhi ek se ek hoti hai. "baby mere papa to airtel chalate hai wo aaacha hai ap kyu vodafone lie, baby aap itna bada laptop kyu lie chota lena tha na, baby aap eminem k songs kyu sunte ho, baby aap aaj kal romantic songs ni sunte apka interest mere se khatam ho gya lgta hai, baby appne kal ghr k bahar wali stairs pe baith k padhai ki appne bataya kyu ni"

inka jab mann chahe sex ki baten kr skti hai, ham agar kare to "you are too cheap hr waq aacha ni lagta" aur nai kre to "u dont love me anymore"... yr bata dia kro kb konsi baat krni hai. kab konsi baat pe jhagda krri hoti hai ye to inhe khud ni pta hta.

inko kuch batao to "tumhe bas sympathy chahie".. aur inko agar chiti bi kaat de aur react na kro to "now you dont care for me"

inki kisi baat pe logic ni hta agar bol do ki baby logic se to socho to "ha mjhe pata hai mere pas dimag nahi hai, mai to gadhi hu, sirf tum intteligent"


.......this was not to hurt any girl, it was just for fun. we boys are also of no use..we think every time about sex, we love to stare at boobs. we talk to girls just for sex. our mind is never clean.

problem hai hi opposite sex.. agar sex ni hta to na hum ladkio se baat krte na ladkia hum se.. agar sex ni hta to dunia me songs bante hi nai sirf trance and edm hote.

it's been 9 months since i am in southern state of India, Karnataka.
since the day i entered south my life is different from what it was in north. i have positiveness all around, there is something special in the air of Karnataka.
people here talk about logical things, unlike northies. there are many northies here (all are shit). i don"t like to be around them. i hate north India and northies from core of my heart. you know why south India is developed? because people here have brain , they are literate.. if these five state, andhra, telangana, karnataka tamil nadu, Kerala were not there then india would have been just a toilet seat.
i have many south indian friends, i use to bully northies with them.

i have thousands of friends in my college..but i want a best friend who is just like me. why can't i have a best friend as shown in movies. i really need some one close to me. i need a best friend who will be only my best friend. who will never go some where without me, who will call me for everything, how will be with me everytime. i never had a best friend. i am badly in need of a best friend.

after 40 days m here...
its been 1 month my second sem has started and i dont like to do anything..
i just like to be with my own...m getting irritated with every small thing..i am haring myself...i just wana go somewhere alone for a break may be mysore.
i am the only one not sleeping in whole hostel...i m lost somewhere dont know where...everytime m surrounded by songs and cigarettes..
i dont know why we get life if one day ll end -_-
well leave all these today me n yushu completed 9 months of our realtion. :)
love her forver

someone's gonna be so happy after seeing me writing here. :p
I didn't write coz mann hi hota tha diary likhne ka....bahut bar socha ki likhu pr mann...
ok so talking about life these days many things happened between the last day I wrote and today. I am in Raipur enjoying my semester break, ghanta enjoying.. my chacha is no more, m not taking his name here... he got a stroke on 8th December. everything was fine with him till 5:30 then suddenly his chest started paining and by the time people took him to the hospital 3 strokes hit me and doctor said he is no more….i was in bangalore my exams were going on, only one paper was left. I was only thinking about baba and dadi all the time and about there condition…then FTER 2 days I was mad just coz I was going tom loose my hairs… I was not ready to do so, everyone was trying to convince me.. and then I heard dadi crying after that I was ready to got my haurs cut….everytime homies called me they told a shit to be followed…I was in lot of anger coz of all shits of my jaat…I came back from Bangalore on 13th. Then I went Allahabad on 16th night for pooja n all… it was fucking cold there…. Then I came back to Raipur on 19th morning..

in Bangalore on 12th December I was going to buy asus laptop then suddenly maa told that I cant buy anything before 13 days from 7th… I was crazy. After listening all this shit of my jaat I was in so much anger that I wonder how I didn’t get a stoke :p…. (ye line padh k koi bahut chillane wala hai)

after all the shits I purchased laptop in Raipur itself..the same model I wanted to buy there :*
and I got my results on 18th…it was ok ok… I got what I deserve.

And rest of the things are fine.. I was suppose to go Bengaluru on 30th but I canceled the ticket… I want to be in Raipur for sometime no doubt I like my life in Karnataka more than it is here….