the guy in specs's Diary

I am back. Start a blog recently but now that I plan to continue here will drop it. Still will stick to the technical blog, just remove the monk one. I just removed my entire blog and writing stuff from the web. All the personal blabbering and ramblings, made me feel insecure for some reason or the other. Though I backed it up and saved it someplace far and safe. I wish to run away from all that I have done till now in my life. It's been a series of mistakes, repeated time and again.

But this semester I am doing fine till now. But this one year is going to...
Fuck not again, never bother about the future, never live in the past. Only the present matters in terms of what I do. And I am going to read maths now for the internals. Feels good. I have to work hard, not just a little because that anyone can do. With the load of blunders, I got to stand straight and tall till the pain screws me. And right now it is all comfort zoned, doesn't help much until I get out of this.
TIME doesn't wait for anyone, why am I waiting for the right time then? There is no better time than now.

Long time, eh!
There has been a lot I can write about but let's just get to the business. I know time isn't cheap these days, or was it any day? So, as life did get screwed in first year, ya'know and then this semester I tried. I could have tried even more and more, but I didn't. I let it pass and that has brought it all down. For now, there's a lot of things to do. Starting with external exams preparation. Didn't start yet, got only 10 more days. But that is not short time, in fact on second thought I never prepared for anything beforehand and that too by 10 days. God, this is an opportunity I can't miss.
And Rohit got really great marks in internals, although we're friends and all that and in spite of the fact we're in different branches, I am jealous of him. My marks aren't out till now but definitely will be less than him. Will have to work really hard to get a 9 point gpa this sem. I want it, need it. Given that I've to recover form first year arrears.
I have to work really hard. But before that back to anime series.
Will watch only a few more episodes and then back to business.

P.S. time to get a new blog. A fresh slate. Ha!

I write poetry, which I have been told is a disgrace to literature.

Ha! Internals 2.0 screwed. Next it is external exams, can't afford to lose on that. It's like opportunity comes once in a lifetime. Anyway, need to submit assignments: SSE, DE and NT on Monday. Lot to do this weekend.
Then one of the things that's been on my head for sometime now is debts: AA, AK, PB, GR, ABD1, ABD2 and CRNT. Get over debts too. And collect the ATM from office. Wash clothes, organize study.

Yeah, that will be it for now.

Okay, starting with the preparation for MAT and PRP. Did maths pretty well but PRP screwed. All thanks to the sleep and my lack of commitment towards preparation. No problem will make sure that I don't sleep the next time. Then I had to run haywire for the PRP notes, took about 2 hours, only to realize later that I could have gotten it right at the nearby shop. Almost got caught by the police, thank god it was drink and drive test for neither I had the license nor papers for the bike. Followed by the exam the next day. Now, after having a long sleep I am going to start for DE. And then see about the NT.

P.S. The worst thing; came out of the PRP exam within 40 minutes only to realize there were questions on the other side of paper too. Fuck me!

The last 24 hours have been a roller coaster ride.
And one more thing: I now have a clear idea about study and life balance. Do things now and be in the present totally.

Long time since the last time I wrote. Things are fine, or seem so. It took me time and a lot patience to do so. But now things are within reach. What seemed like almost impossible feat is now only a matte of days provided I stick to perseverance and commitment values that took me months to imbibe.

Life seems a little straight now. Can see through people a lot clearly. There are a lot people need to ignored including some till-now close buddies. But everything's fine now. Have to initiate SSE study. Today itself.

Exam got postponed due to 'i don't know what' but tomorrow again there is NT and DE. And SSE is going to screw me. So start with DE.

EXECUTE MATHS AND THEN EXECUTE PRP.

fuck again! 12 hours left for the fucking exam. screw me! But will put everything I got. And see where that takes me tomorrow, post-exam. Till then, Focus.

fuckme! got 19 fucking hours more.

Screwed! slept last night. Got only 23 hours left to change the world. Fuck me. Whatever, no looking back. Time to do things.

hey! really scared for the exams beginning from Tuesday. Only 40 hours left now. Have to work really really hard. Can't play anymore. So fuck.
And what 've to do?
Okay-starting with PRP-10hrs, then SSE-10hrs and finally Maths-10hrs.
The last 6 hours for leftovers. And 4 hours refreshment for DE.
Let's see where this takes me. Will talk later once this gets over.
And yes, work on improving myself just 1% a day. BECOMING BETTER JUST 1% A DAY.
P.S. Stop worrying about the people, the world just do your part. And keep calm.

And one more thing: though slowly but am replacing cigarettes with coffee now, one poison for another.

hey there! long time, huh!
so been pretty busy lately with things falling in order. I never realized it could be this good. Still a lot to make up for but good. So classes are regular now. Did drop a few couple of weeks back then but now fine. Studies are still not good. Better than last year, assignments classes better but self discipline and patience is still deficient to be acknowledged. Working on it.
First things are paying the bills and debts at the earliest. Within say 2 days. Getting totally out of people's zone. Totally. And focusing on my thought process.

hey! long time, no see.
Got busy or say, was acting busy for past some days. Sorry forgot you. There were times of loneliness when really felt like talking to some one making myself vulnerable, and that I did to some extent, and now looking back I feel like should have talked to you. Anyways, bullshit apart, hardly a week left for exams now. Have to study like cats and dogs.
Now, the thing is I've had enough trying to defeat people in the so called exams of life and other bullshit competition stuff. And also am not ahead of any of this or say beyond. Am only human, and I've had enough trying to live for people out there. Trying to prove myself to papa, mummy, friends, teachers, relatives and who not. Fuck! My head's cooking with shit. So, dear diary, what keeps me going on is the imagination and dreams for a better tomorrow where people will their own lives rather than making others' lives hell. I hope that day comes, and if it doesn't I hope to make a contribution towards the realization of that dream. Or whatever. So first things first: EXAMS.

Wasted a couple of days. Sunday today. A lot of stuff to do. Study. A couple of assignments and lab preparation due. Feel like barfing out with depression and pressure overhead. Time to move mountains. Need perseverance and determination. Learn the traits.
Work on the presentation. Submit the CS quiz today. A lot to do.
Okay, enough talk. Time to dream, and love and do.

Read this quote, loved the irony.
" There are only two rules for success.
1. Never tell everything you know. "

Ha! Beautiful. So shut the fuck up.
And woke up in the dark morning. Have to complete record now. Lab today. Will talk about it later.

You know what, all the world's a fucking pain in the ass. Really! There is no fucking thing nice about life. All the acting and pretending to be what they want you to be. I'm totally tired. I just wish I never had to live like this. And what am I trying to do about it? Fuck nothing. Yeah, that's what I've done till this day. I try to be the good guy, and every time get used like shit and then thrown away.
So, note to self, fuck the world. Mind your very business. Stop being the good guy. Let's try being the bad guy.

Okay, so forgot one thing. Don't just fill the pocket diary with to dos and daily stuff. Do things noted down and check them out as the level of accomplishment rises. Further, make it a compulsion to to do those stuff first thing of the day.
Make a plan, stick to it.

The rain saved my ass today. Didn't complete the lab record nor did I study for the experiment and somehow the classes got put off for the day cause of some order by the DM. Long live the DM, if it wasn't for him I would have been cursing the world for everything that's wrong in my life. But good that I got a second chance, I guess the world is cooperating with me so that I can deliver my best. But as I always I the asshole who doesn't change himself in spite of eating the life's shit.
Fuck me. Stop talking buddy, go do something, go change the world. It's your time, no one can take it away from you. Make the best use of it.
Go soldier, Seize the day.

One more thing, satisfaction or gratification with mediocrity is not acceptable, neither tolerable. I've reached this level of low confidence where mediocrity is normal, where being no one drives the ambition, being lost is ok. Fuck this shit. I am someone, a important some one not to the world, but o myself. The most important thing is to be some one to myself. The sense of worth is what I want in life. I'm not going to let anyone tell me what my limits are. I know my limits better than anyone and I also know how to overcome them, and that's what I'm going to do now.
And class buddies, fuck you.
Being rich, or getting highest marks, being teacher's pet are all shit. Never was driven by these stuff but the self-worth is one thing I cannot compromise, not now, not ever. Time to rebuild the soul.
P.S. Writing feels like meditation. Good. Plan to start meditation in real way, while writing or while being quiet, in solitude and sometimes in public, but always stealthily.