Tarakini's Diary

Hi Diary,

I am sorry, couldn't write for a really long time. Back now. Incase you missed I'm 26 now. Yes, I made it to 26.

My date yesterday was phenomenal, he was good. But, we have a slight problem. He's got everything I want in a guy (so far, more to go) but the best I have met so far. The thing is, I hate Coimbatore and all my life I have fought to leave it and I did - To Bangalore, which was much better and the best decision of my life.

He's an industrialist in Cbe, I know he cannot leave his base. I'm all about leaving India behind. The plans are in process already. I hope to leave in another 4 months and now, I have met this guy. My IT GUY.

I haven't let him know yet, because I don't want to jinx my plans. I want to leave India, but I want him as well. My heart is literally torn. I haven't been able to focus since morning.

Why is it that I get 90% right but the other 10% is whacked. The universe loves teasing me. Anyways, I'll just focus on the present, be mindful of the present and pray.

According to me, what's wrong with having both ?

Red is his colour- a random thought that pops up in my head, and he randomly mentions about marrying his significant other in a red lehenga the next day. I know for sure that this is not a random coincidence. I have literally summoned him into my life.

I’m meeting him tomorrow. Can’t sleep cause I’m having the butterflies maybe ? No it’s just my ducked up sleep cycle.

I plan to wear my favorite green/brown on white cotton salwar suit. I have always found it pretty. The last time I wore it, my life changed a lot and after that, I didn’t get to wear it. A new beginning or phase of my life quickly emerged post wearing that dress the last time.

I don’t know why but oddly I feel attracted to wear it again tomorrow though I tried to fight the feeling away and wear something else instead. Just like the feeling I had to get on bumble the other night. Perhaps, I’ll give my gut feelings a chance.

I didn’t expect this and don’t know how this will work out. I mean it’s too early to decide, but he’s literally ticking off all the major boxes nonetheless I haven’t told him that, but there’s more to go anyway. I know what I want and I also know what won’t work for me, so I can say I am now more astute.

I just hope my eye bags and dark circles don’t show. Not like I’m worried he wouldn’t like me, I mean I’m after all a 26 year old woman and people should begin to accept the fact that women also age.

I can tell something for sure- I haven’t felt this level of intense emotions that too, positive emotions like love, peace and happiness all at the same time. That’s all I feel about him. It’s like an invisible field of energy around him, that’s radiating and drawing me towards him.

I know I sound voo-doo and sappy. But I am not able to give it any sound reasoning. All I can do is be myself and have faith in Gods plans.

Hey diary ..I can't believe I became an occasional visitor here. I do t even write nowadays...I feel ashamed to call myself a writer.

I am in this phase where I am no longer the person people are looking for, so I have just disconnected myself from everyone. My phone is in airplane mode most of the time and friends find it annoying when trying to reach me. I still don't know why this occurs but it does and then later I get back as normal.

I am still upset about quitting that project from sugarcane institute...I feel guilty for not have gone with the flow and published a paper like a lot of my classmates. I just wasn't in the right mindset to take shit from people at that time. I wasn't ready to fight an other battle when I was fighting battles of my own within myself.

God, I feel like an ugly duckling..I don't why I always seem to swim against the flow. It doesn't bother me that am swimming against the flow but the fact that will I ever reach my shore ? Because, in the end that's the answer that counts.

hey :)

Have semester exams going on. I want to write something but this block :(

I am an aunt-to -be :) I think its going to be a nephew.

EXAMS .

I need to find a good institute do my project after exams.

Hope I do project and stay away from college for 3 months. College sucks.

I will get a research paper published if this project works out.

That's all for now XO

Okay few more minutes for 2016 ! honestly three years back and I didn't believe I would make it to this point. I think I would give myself a pat on the back for having the courage to go on along with kick to remind myself not to be so lethargic and laid back.

I wish the best for myself this year. My last year at college, going to be the first big year where I am turning aunt for my niece nephew. Changes are going to be inevitable. I need to keep a brave face and be moving towards destination unknown . I need to try to make a move from the place I live, away from a neurotic family. Also I need to make mom proud.

I don't know how...but I really need to move out. In a desperate state. I need to make it this time. I am so shit nervous diary, I don't have many choices.


Hoping this year would yield to my favors. I need luck, a lot of it. Praying things will turn out good. All the best to me.Hoping to find success in my endeavors.

Turning 19 tomorrow :/ and I am more than ever confused with life. I can't sleep tonight. I really want to devour books and write a lot diary but it seems like college killed the little inspiration and confidence I had. I think people like me, if at all they exist, I think will do better by self educating themselves rather than going to institutions and being bound by constraints and rules. I think I would have learned much more if I was all by myself. And seriously diary, college is so backward let me tell you an example from today :

My so called tutor was whiling away the class hour by briefing out some experiment shit for this semester and I was busy reading "life's what you make it" by preeti shenoy. I don't usually read Indian authors but I needed a change and the Ernest Hemingway poem on the first page really enticed me. I finished in a single sitting diary, it's a really good book though underrated. All the reviewers out there need to give this book some credit it's really better than the much over hyped and overrated Chetan Bhagat books. Okay, I can keep yapping about a book all day. I'll get to the point.

So she the tutor asked something like "where is protein?" I didn't care to answer it, but you know my friend was very eager and she was dude "answer that question ! Stop reading that book in class" and shit. I gave an immediate answer ribosomes and returned
Back to reading. The answer was too loud and the prof was like ribosomes are only "machinery in making protein" like dude ! That is the dumbest line a qualified biologist can give! So, a major part of the ribosome is not made of protein then ? And isn't ribosome and endoplasmic reticulum mainly involved in protein synthesis ? Has nobody ever heard of transcription and translation of DNA ?????!!

The right answer is DNA she said as my friend answered correctly.

Oh, so according to them only DNA has proteins! Wah re ! You guys are geniuses ! The world owes you people a Nobel prize !

Even a 6th grader can answer that question with such a simple answer like DNA. But dude! This is college and not some primary school. The level should be of something more profound and professional not something retarded.

Yeah, that's what they all are -_- fucking retards fucking with my life. I came with delight to college about the knowledge I am going to gain. But this really posed me of. It's all about grades and placement and salary shit. It's a gamble for me to get good marks in any subject.
I get my lowest marks in English diary. In English ! Of all the subjects ! I wonder which educated idiot corrects my English paper all the time, "they probably only know the colloquial indianism filled backward English" my mom would say to console me.

This all drives me to leave India and detest Tamil Nadu. I just want to flee to a more open place with no boundaries and narrow minds. I am so pissed off and frustrated with life diary, it's like my problems just spread and pile on top of one another. And you know what ?

I have 100 problems and I can bet money can solve all of it ! Oh my life! it's such a cruel joke designed by god. He probably was like " Ill give this fair baby some little brains and some little money, and the rest can be compensated with the inherent fair complexion in her genes, now isn't she lucky to have a lighter tone of skin than the other usual darker toned Indians!" -_-' yup, I can read you god!

And with the few little brains I have scramble in this world with some money, now reduced to almost no money thanks to my mom dad and brother. There's nothing left for me and nobody to guide me or help me.

It's okay...it was me who wanted travel the road less taken and I guess I have to pave a path for myself by scrambling more harder.

Hey diary :) I missed you. I promise I'll be regular from now on. I really need to sit down and get my thoughts into writing. I have become so lazy -_-'

Well...probably there are a lot of things you missed. I'll tell you the major things that changed my life.

Brother got married...And the fact that he thrashed me on face right after the next day, in public. I learned a lot. A lot about the people I thought who were going to help me and liked me. I saw my relatives true colours.

I learnt that I am a total helpless ugly duckling in this world, trying to keep myself afloat in neck deep waters.

And am starting to realize that my college actually is "not so great". First, I wanted to get out of school, now I want to get out of college...Waiting for graduation.

Right when I realized college was sucking...I realized I need to do my post graduation in a seriously good college. But, before that I realized that I need to choose my particular area of interest in this wide and never ending field of science.

After I find my niche, I need to find a college, after I find a college..I need to see means for supporting further education. Because, one year from now I don't know ...May be I won't be living at home...Maybe my parents will decide to get me engaged or they may stay with brother up in bangalore and take care of grand kids and enjoy retired life.

Oh ! Talking of grandkids ! I remember now...I heard my sister in law is pregnant. I don't understand why women want to get knocked up so quick. If it's true that she is knocked up, then I become aunt. That makes me sound so old -_-'

Well....Hey diary ! I have a presentation coming up. Am such a nervous wreck about it. I want to do it and get over my stage fear. I think i will. I have a tough competition sadly.Everyone who comes across my diary and reads it,I have one important thing to say : "Mere liye kripaya prathana karen" :P

Sorry for the long absence diary.

Days have been tiring,worst of it am not getting any fruit for my work...just stones rather to push me way to the bottom again.I wont say I have been working hard but I do I have been working steadily.

College is such a BITCH.Wait...! life has always been that way for me.Not to mention about the fucking college bus that carries me to college everyday.

Yes,today I have come to you because am sad and felt like I needed a place to open up.They say you should or will fail a couple of times before you reach your particular goal,I am beginning to doubt that.I feel like a screw up.I feel like...

A weed in a field of daisies...or,sometimes a daisy whose petals are eaten away by fucking insects even before it could bloom entirely.

Peace.Something, really hard to find admist the chaos of my life.I have seemed to lost my muse.I don't read much nowadays, don't write a word.I seem like a druggie after the high is over.Laziness is such a disease ..

The day was pretty MEH! I always feel like...I have lost something...yes, probably my brain.It must be wandering out all on its own =_=.And I so need it back.Atleast to do statistics.

I sooo need to learn to capitalize, punctuate and be careful when I type =_= and yes, make sure all the grammars typed right before I press the POST button.

my diary !! i missed you so much !! Just came home after completing my chemistry examination at school.I did it pretty bad...think am going to fail.I hadn't prepared for it.Last minute study.I feel remorseful about the way I wrote my exam.The public examinations are nearing and my grades are still not improving.I feel like a dweeb.Hope i do my next exam well.Scoring high marks is the only way I can make my mother proud.I want to hear just once,her talking to all my relatives and her friends saying "my daughter got 97 % and is going to pursue M.B.B.S", just like how they boast about all their sons and daughters.And regretfully,it usually happens that my mom would join in their praise as having nothing good to say on my part.i need rest,head bugging me.Need to prepare well at least for my next exam.And hope that the cuts on my hand heal off soon before my mom finds out that I have given into cutting again.... :(