smaller picture's Diary

It's easier to write about upsetting and sad things and feelings. It is in this state, that you feel a keen need to unload your mind.

I am finding by and by that I am unable to have meaningful conversations with AK. I find myself not wanting to share my deepest feelings and concerns with him.

He is not my confidant. Not at the moment. My fears are private and when I pick up courage to share it with him, he belittles, judges and makes me feel worse.

I know this is a phase. We do have many high moments and maybe this is just one of the low ones. In this phase, he is not my pillar and my heart seeks another. Maybe that is the reason, I am dreaming again.

Dreams are innocent, right? And at this point they are offering a great relief.

So are you, dear diary. Sharing without consequences is a treasure.

Love
P

People tend to have a starting trouble with me. Apparently, I am not very approachable and I am secretly proud of it.

But, once they cross the threshold, people connect with me. I like that. I miss that. I need physical proximity and frequent meetings to keep connected to people.. at least for the first few year till the relationship becomes sustainable.

I live by the principle that if it's not my secret to tell, then I have no business telling it. I cant remember breaking this in a long, long time. I miss having people I can have long deep conversations with...

I miss people being possessive of me.. and I have no one to blame but myself.. I am just not very good at keeping up long-distance relationships.

P.S. relationship does not always refer to what one has with a lover.. it is something you have with anyone and everyone you include in your life..

I watched a documentary on bullying today which took me back to my school days. I believe everyone has bullied someone sometime and everyone has been bullied by somebody . We all feel oppressed and misjudged in our own right, do we not? But, it is true that some unfortunate ones get the worst of it.

I am not entirely sure if being singled out makes you or breaks you but I am certain that it changes you. After all, every little thing we go through changes a little bit of who we would have otherwise become.

I was singled out and I am not sure why. I narrow it down to the way I looked, perhaps my complexion or maybe my unplaceable accent. I was always eccentric but have been and always will be proud of it. I am not entirely sure which came first, the teasing or the eccentricity.

The issue is, that though I have no regrets from my past, I do believe it affected my self image and led to my incapacity to have "normal" relationships. I cannot be comfortable from the get go with people I meet. I do manage to be cordial and everything one would call proper but mostly people end up misjudging my awkwardness to be conceit.

I know better. In fact, I know best because its about me! I know that I oscillate ferociously between extreme insecurity and enviable confidence. Honestly, I think that my crazy, unjustifiable love for myself was a front I used to put on as a defense mechanism and it stuck.. and to be completely frank, I would not trade that trait for anything. So, yes in my case, the bullying unintentionally did lead to something positive. But that is not the case with most others. People break in ways they can never come together from again. I broke in a lot of ways too but it could have been worse; so much worse.

I wish we all would stop name calling and picking on people because they stand out. They break the monotony of the "proper" way to be, making all mundane and "thoroughly defined" lives more interesting!

I love my eccentricity because it has made me today, somebody who can look back and feel only gratitude for both the good and the evil done. However, I feel deeply for the many, who unlike me, find self loathing where I found self love.

Even though, for some people new strength may come from it but bullying, judging and classifying people are the worst things we can do to ourselves and only make us weaker as a society..

It is truly a wonderful tragedy that there is a need for diaries when the simplest way to unload ones' mind is to simply speak to some one who will listen and understand. Why is that? Well, the answer is not very far from the question.

There is no human who can hear or see something without having an opinion or a suggestion or words of sympathy and even varying levels of judgement. While none of these sentiments or reactions are wrong in them self, they surely are more often than not, ill timed and not the reaction the one sharing seeks. The other reason is that there can be no one such person who gets us every single time.

One need not be in control of sentiment or be "proper" as society defines the term, while penning a thought. It is an extremely liberating sensation to let it out. The only thing better than that would be to shout it all out loud amidst wilderness where being wild is in trend.

A person who can truly open up to a diary is lucky because it can be with you where ever you go. I want to be lucky. Specially because I am once again by myself in this wild city, I feel that I need to fall back into the habit of writing regularly.

I am not very worried about my situation. I think I will now have a lot of time to get involved in procreative activities which is what I have been pining to do for ages. Life works in mysterious ways and I take the problem that has presented itself to be an opportunity. Besides, Delhi has been my home for over 15 years now and I have come to think of it as a bittersweet old pal.

I will really miss AK but I am very glad that his endeavor in Hyderabad will be good for him in so many ways. Its me and my beagle baby, Zoey in my little abode for the foreseeable future. I hope this phase will add to the many life stories I have collected in my 26 years of being.

Cheers!

why does it become so hard to connect with people when we grow older? I mean, really connect...
everyone I could be myself around is so far away and busy with their own lives. I think we are all sad deep down. Friendships do not feel like they used to. Maybe it is just that I have had such perfect ones in the past that nothing now comes close enough.

Maybe I have been let down so many times by trust since I moved back to Delhi, that I cannot find the courage to have it again. Long distance relationships are very hard and long distance friendships are even harder. It is not like we stop being friends but we just do not share as much as we need to.

I am sitting in the office pondering over such matters. I just cannot seem to focus to get something productive done. Its just one of those bad days... And I know what triggered it this time. I need to distance myself from people so nothing they say or do affects me. I used to like myself when I was like that. I would be better off without friends than with those who can fuck up mind like this.

I need to find the way back to myself. Soon.

sometimes a girl just needs a girlfriend. It feels so nice to be understood without much effort.
so, I was walking with a friend, who seems to get me and we were talking. i was saying something and it was when i said it that i realized with a clarity i didnt have before, what i was really feeling.

I could not understand for sometime that why although i have perfectly likable guys in my life, who even fit the picture of the man of my dreams, have i not fallen in love again. I have been ready for it again and almost even yearning for it. It didnt make sense. It felt like a contradiction and it confused me so much!! I really was starting to feel like there was something wrong with me!!

The thing that i realized today is that I have lost faith in men and love. I am hurt. And only a man who gets that truly can i fall for. He should be all that's good and with it he should not let go though i might resist. One thing that must be understood is that i want it... more than anything, and its not difficult to covince someone who is as wanting to be convinced as i am.

Nothing is wrong with me...I am as i should be in my situation. Things should somehow work out because that is only fair. Am just waiting for someone who will be right for me and be there at the right time in the right way... not too much to ask for, is it??

What is missing??? There is no flair and no flavor in life with out the things that quicken the heart beat… I seem to be all out of those. People, all the smarter, wiser ones around me tell me that I need a hobby… very nice.. thank you so much for your words of wisdom…
I paint.. yes
I sing.. yes
I write.. true too
But I am no painter, singer or writer.. I may be quite good at all these things but because I do not pursue any of them professionally, the only reason I do them sometimes is that I get inspired in moments… in those moments I cannot stop doing these wonderful things..
The problem here is that I need that inspiration.. that’s what I am missing..
the soaring to the skies, plunging into darkness, cutting through flesh , crying rivers of tears, tummy killer unstoppable laughter…. Love.. the feeling of all that is missing.. all I feel is hollow and listless and angry..
yes, I have discovered a terrible temper I never knew I had..i cannot predict what I will do next..
I hope things change and that they do so soon.. there could be no tragedy worse than losing myself.. I know how wonderful I am.. I miss me.. I want me back!!!

So, i know i am not bad looking.. i am not dull or mundane.. i do believe myself to be on the smarter side of the population.. i can be really loving and caring...it is true that i have a weird un defined filtering process for people and principles.. and i have never felt the need to justify it..

i am sure there are men out there who are great and perfect for me and just as incomplete as i am right now and are looking for the same things as i am in a relationship.. there have to be.. How come our paths never meet?? i am so truly and utterly dissatisfied by the quality of men in my life and around me.. maybe, i just have a vey small and restricted spectrum of society.. but it is very frustrating because though i am not a loner, i am lonely...

i am seeing people so i cannot say that i am not trying to be happy or find someone.. in fact i have been seeing someone great for a significant no of weeks but its nothing like the thing i want... He does not seem to be in love with me enough and i seem to not care enough about it... why does it have to be this difficult??
i need something.. i need it bad.. And i badly need that something to feel real.. its been way too long..

i used to be different.. i knew everything about myself once.. i do not understand when that changed but it did.. sometime not very long ago..
i knew how i wanted my life to be.. i used to have the perfect dream about my perfect guy.. something changed that...

i have had people call me perfect.. i have been wooed and wanted.. but all i feel is incomplete.. i don't need everyone's good opinion.. i don't want to be a million's dream.. i want to be your reality...the wait feels too long in this moment..
i feel a void so big.. all the love i want to give you waiting to be given..

in this moment which feels much like a drunken dream, i write to you that i want you..

i miss having a gruff voice which is my man's and i miss the right of claiming it so.. i miss it... and i need you..
god, how i would love you.. i have a need to show you..

i wish you could see the vision i have, while m writing, of us in each others arms..
wish you could see my blush, when i think such moments with you, a blush such could put roses to shame...

touch me with your fingertips.. hear me sigh.. i want you more...ur fingertips caressing my face..push my hair flying over my face in the wind, ticking me, behind my ears...let ur wet lips tickle me instead..

pull me close.. m yours.. claim my lips so needy for yours.. they are yours..though they say no.. please no..don't believe me..

i don't know why now the feeling is so intense.. but i miss you...i miss you so much that it hurts somewhere i cant reach to or heal..

untie my bonds, i have cried and suffered and built walls.. strong ones guarded by my my arms of realism and logic...break them down.. while i fight you
while i fight you at the walls i made; contradicting everything i write now, as i fight you....
push and push and push though it all to me while i try to push you away...
i need you , i need you so much in this moment that i actually let it escape me in words..
bring my belief in happily ever after back to life...for my walls tell me its dead.. oh it was a dream which died and i weep for it so...
so...so.. be my angel and bring it back alive...and God! how i will love you..

Are you looking for solace??? For someone to cure you for a little while.. or for just one thing to go right when all seems messed up??? You are searching in the wrong place..
I do not understand, why despite all my effort to rise above the hellhole am i still in this state..
i am trying not to cry right now because i know that the temporary relief will only lead to a splitting headache tomorrow..
OH LABBY!! my baby, i need you to cuddle... i need you to look into my eyes with your melting chocolate brown ones which though cannot cry, can speak a miilion words of selfless love.. me miss!! :'(

had a little too much to drink.. maybe a little too much..but that i can decide when i read this entry tomorrow..the one witness to the eve..

m with my gal pals.. rarest of rare breeds is what i have come to think of them as... girls seldom make good friends in my experience; but when they do, they make the best lot... and i am hopelessly in love with my lot..

okay.. other than that,i believe this to be an excellent opportunity to say and do all sorts of stupid stuff and get away... so here goes...
where are you and why are you still waiting??? my wait for you has been quite long enough and mostly not very pleasant.. i had a lovely heart of a once little girl who gave it to someone she had loved... he kept it for a while.. but in the end, he broke it and made it bleed and gave it back to me.. i pretend to have thrown it away with its rusty coat of dried blood..
But you know what??? i have it with me right now... even now..and i will tell you its little secret if you care to listen...
Just hold the broken little thing close to yours for long enough and it will shed its morose coat of a long gone past and beat for you forever.. its no little thing under all the coat and it can be all yours..
if only u care to listen..

... i wish i could tell this to all the people i know and care for who are suffering through dying love; the ones who "know " deep in their hearts that they can never find it again..

that sort of love cannot exist when the remnants of an already shattered one still remain.. in all sorts of depths of our "intelligent" minds we know it.. we feel it and we say it over and over again to ourselves that it just wont happen...
it would be stupid to tell someone to "stop! feeling that way!" ..although you will want to say it to someone someday (have done it myself endless times). That doesn't make the feeling stop. But stop it does. And it takes its own bitter time.
i wish i could take that time away from you because i know how it hurts.. i feel helpless that i cannot help you.. here you are all alone because trust me "deeper" down you need to be..
at this time there is a storm inside you no one can feel..it almost kills you.. but trust me, it settles before you die..(and hopefully when you are still young hehe)
the chaos ends and you will be clear in you head and heart..Your heart free to finally to meet the pair of beautiful big eyes that make your tummy flutter.. :)
(my tummy has tickled a few times since, but i haven't yet felt the wings)

the other outcome.. is shorter... maybe after all the mess it makes of your life,the dying dying love "clears the picture for yo"u..and maybe you overcome the "need to be loved" (you will be fooling yourself btw till you die.. at least get a dog if this happens)... but the upside to this is that people will always be in awe of you ;) and you always will still be happy..

i don't know which of the two has happened to me..yet to find out if i have finally won the race against love or am i still the hopelessly romantic ex-me.
BUT ONE THING IS FOR SURE...ITS OVER. whew (wipes sweat from forehead hehe )

i love the concept of writing a diary... a biased time line which keeps track of what happend to get me all the way here; so far away from where i had seen myself as a little girl..
i wish i had started sooner though.. because the link from 13 to 23 is blurring into oblivion much too speedily...
i dont mind the change at all.. but i cannot afford to forget why it happened.. most changes come with lessons not learnt without suffering or effort..
so...i do hope i can stop being fickle about this new found interest :)