praveen choudhary's Diary

Usne puri mehnat se din raat kaam kiya, usne khelna choda, mauj masti chodi. Usne gyan k granth pdhe or nyi baate seekhi. Vo aage bdhta gya paane k liye Safalta.
Jra sa dil me vishwas or himmat liye.
Or jb vo safal Hua to logo ne use BHAGYASHALI kaha

...or safal nahi hua to NALAYAK he kahlaya

Write your pain down. secrets that you wish you had someone to tell to. things that you wish, you could discuss with someone anonymously. decisions that you are confused were right or wrong. there are lot of things........and I wonder, something are becoming distant....... I will listen calmly, as you scribble down here and sometimes, I will make a comment, to let you know that I am there.

Good Night !!!

I am so tired that I think I will faint. My body begs for rest but i can't relent. I feel like I am in trance; moving, because the world around me moves. Maybe those people on street are also zombies who inhabit the earth and go round and round in that same old circle everyday. It is strange that world's darkens when u shield from the light and it is also strange that the room spins just because i choose to spin along. Good Night

I'm an Open Book,
Printed with Invisible Ink..
You either flip the pages assuming they are blank,
or try and read between the lines..
and discover my secrets.

Choice is Yours..

yaaddein yaad aati hai...my collage day's …

yaaddein yaad aati hai...and just came across this mail(invitation for alumini meet) — Go Gators …. and all memories were live again in a moment, as if a movie was playing in front of my eyes … i was watching it so patiently … smiling a bit and suddenly had tears in eyes … closed the link and was just lost remembering the days … those few moment will never return … seems like i already had my death on the graduation day … and this is second life, which ofcourse has its good points, but is nowhere comparable to the first one … it came, for a moment i was in it, i lived it for two moment and it was over … too small but too good to be ever forgotten … i feel like tearing up this page from my diary … but when i think of it … suddenly i smile, i feel eyes wet and i realize that it was part of my life …. and all of a sudden something pops up on my screen … an outlook reminder telling me that i have a meeting to attend in next 5 minutes … i laughed and i moved on … still watching that movie as I move my feet towards the conference room, that one sweet movie that nobody directed but came out as best, still watching those memories … after work, had a dinner and came back, … it is 12 of midnight and I am back home … but that movie is still going on … calmly sitting on my nice table-chair arrangement, nobody to disturb … but that is the biggest disturbance in this silence tonight … if there was someone, i could hold my tears, I could stay talking as I did the whole day … i could control my emotions down … but the sound of this silence and the silence of the movie is tearing up the ground beneath me

Go away!! all post dont have titles.....

Im feeling really helpless and at the same time angry at the sorry state im in nowadays...
Do i really have the right to take my decisions on my own?? i mean yeah, my folks keep telling me how much they trust me to take the right decisions and how im supposed to be the one ultimately making my choices in life...
but days like these i jus keep doubting this hullabaloo...
Maybe they just keep telling me tht so that i keep making the right decisions or rather making the decisions wch are actually compatible with theirs...and yet keep feeling tht they are entirely mine...or worse still so that im afraid tht i'll be held responsible if my decisions turn out to be wrong and so refrain from taking them all by myself and rather ask them for help in the first place...
Seriously there are these times when i fail to understand ....
Have been taught to take my own decisions right from my starting days ...
then why am i feelin this 'pressure'?
Small things have begun to suddenly matter a lot...not tht they dint earlier...they always did but not upto a point where i'd tend to feel suffocated...
There is this sudden lack of space...this point where concern seems like interference...and where everything and everyone out there is waiting to prove u wrong ...to prove ur incapable of handling life...
its getting on my nerves now...its MY friggin life dammit!!
All of a sudden, how come im being questioned a thousand times about whether im sure of what im doing or not...why is it tht im expected to do a certain thing even though im not really comfortable with it??
Sorry but i dont seem to get it! wht happened all of a sudden?
why this sudden 'i know whts best for u' attitude...wch ultimately leads to a lotta arguements...and more of all why this attitude camouflaged by something wch they feel will kinda talk me out of the decision...and if tht dosent work, then theres always that cold feeling of indifference in the air...
And having a difference of opinion dosent really help...i keep argueing, fighting, expressing my disagreement and ultimately managment want me to feel bad over how i behaved...
I ask why teach me to make independent decisions when sometime in the future u want to prove to me tht they'd go all wrong ..??
and to add to my irritation,why am i afraid of exactly that even though im pretty confident of my decisions?
Is it because im chicken?? when did i start being unsure of myself...unsure of wht i want...and if i really am tht confused than why this feeling of dissatisfaction tht im letting go of something ...of succumbing to a gnawing fear wch will surely engulf me , my confidence, my existence and whatever little is left of my individuality...
I mean thr comes a point when u jus need the space...and thats why i needed this holiday...but then if thts so, why is it tht im still thinking about it and writing this stupid post even when im sitting here miles away from home...
And then again, i dont know why im being ruthless as well...why i feel this intense dissatisfaction towards things going on...why i expect my close ones to understand...to shut up when i want them to...to talk to me when i want them to...and more precisely exactly what i want them to...
Have been losing my patience over the slightest of things of late wch leads me into many an arguements and then eventually locking myself in my room feeling like a stranger in my own house or venting out , cribbing and ranting on my diary...avoiding phonecalls,constantly being in a cranky mood,sleeping almost all the time when im at home,making plans with friends and then calling them up to cancell them...ive been acting crazy i know...
I dont seem to give up but neither do they...
For the first time in life, im feeling claustrophobic!!

mein kaun hu

ghum sa ho gaya hu mein, mein kaun hu, ye puchta hu mein apne aap ko, aur jawab mai kuch nahi, bas hota hai sannatta … jab sheshe mai khud ko dekhta hu to pahchan nahi pata, aisa lagta hai koi aur hi khada hai mere samne … aur jo hamesha hua karta tha wahan, wo kahin kho sa gaya hai, iss bheed mai, in ujalon mai, roshni ki chamak mai … kho sa gaya hu mein … bhul sa gaya hu khudko … aur aaj mein aiene ke samne khada sawal karta apne app se, ki kon hu mein … mein to nahi tha aisa … mein to nahi karta tha ye … mein to nahi karta tha wo … ab to aisa lagta hai jesse wo insaan jo mein hua karta tha, wo mar gaya … aur koi aur hi mere bhesh mai khata hai mere samne … dar lagta hai apne aap se ab to, aur … yakin nahi hota ki waqt kya se kya kar deta hai … mein kaun hu … mein to aissa nahi tha …

As a person,

i loved the old me …

i hate what i am today …

SHOULD I
Again It seems I am at the crossroads of my life. Again my faith is asking me various obfuscated questions. Life never cease to surprise me and challenge my beliefs ..my faith..

Its not that I have not tried. Its not that I have not fought. Its not that I have lost or won. Its now, I guess becoming a question of my existence asking “how long?”

I fight for something each time I woke up in the morning with the belief , I can , and I will… but that thing in itself leaves me in a nomad’s land.. I wonder from where to draw energy from. sometimes the whole reason of a fight beats you to death.

In this whole process.. every single emotion of my soul is leaving me..drop by drop..I wonder when everything will be drained out of the whole system of this cosmic existence.

And when we ran out of the whole panorama of reasons.. we say its destiny..

Why can’t the two of us can be in a simple system of existence. I need you and you need me period. I want to live ..you want to live period. I want you to believe in me as I believe in you.. as I believe in US..

I wish ..I could disappear…

Should I? Should I quit!

REBOOT!!!

Why then have i turned to this public diary now?

***still thinking***

Really dont know....
but i guess I can do with the variety

There are some things even oblivion will reject...some people who are so stubborn that they manage to return even after they die...
Yeah, you guess it right. ME, the ghost is back to haunt....

Turn the page, THE PUBLIC DIARY IS REOPENED !!

So I welcome myself and all junta to my diary........cheers!!!
(Glaring example of my self-centered thought and speech... )