Nishant's Diary

An Afterthought
Date: 22 September 2012, 00:41

She was beautiful. In more ways than one. Somehow the casual, laid back, ordinarily dressed girl with the least of the care in the world for how she looked, still managed to look adorable and pretty. Beauty in simplicity. And that is how I think of her now. When I do think of her that is. But I was brought to a point where I had to take a decision. To move away from her. I had to break us up for our own sanity. And I guess I was the only one who realised this, that we could not stay happy together. Irrespective of how madly we loved each other, when it came to surviving a relationship, we fell weak. Or maybe short of commitment. Our priorities differed, our approaches differed, our expectations differed. The very differences which once amused us about each other and bonded us together, were now the seeds of quarrels and painful arguments every second day. I could only conclude that maybe love is indeed not enough to survive a relationship, the understanding between the partners is a mutually exclusive set from the love quotient. And she hates me now, thinks I never loved her enough as she deserved. I guess I didn't. I didn't love her enough. Just that even now I am only a little scared, scared to fall in love with this girl again. After like 3 break ups in a year. Scared because the heart is too fickle, and her thoughts too frequent, only that this time by choice, I am not letting it happen again. We might have loved each other but by principle we are not meant to be. As stone hearted as it sounds, it stays to be true. The only respite I get, that she hates me, thinks of me as selfish and unworthy. All I have to worry about, is how not to think of her too much...

Untitled- the story
Date: 5 September 2012, 23:40


Ok so my story revolves around a boy and a Girl. Two perfectly normal people living their normal lives, in two corners of the world, until one day their paths crossed. They met, not completely accidentally, he had taken a step forward to start a conversation, even if just to avert the momentary nervousness he was feeling in that huge conference hall filled with fucking confident scholars. She was sitting right behind him, all bright and cheery while he had just freshly broken up. This interview in the top management college of the country was only an icing on the cake for someone who couldn't make himself to stand straight up. Seeing her he asked her a rudimentary question to start up, Hey what group have you been alotted? Oh okay, btw am ankit, "ankita!" And they hit off a conversation that made time fly off and before he knew he aced the interview. Happy and content he came back home and that's when it happened, a miracle of sorts, a god willed miracle, she called. But they hadn't even exchanged numbers! Not really, he had casually used her phone to call his dad to pick him up. And so it started. Started like it was never to end. They talked, and talked and talked. Like they had a world to share with each other, like they had their lives to share with each other. Coming from opposite cultures altogether, finding little beautiful similarities. The time they spent on phones and texting was unbelievably miraculous. Every moment he spent would be shared with her. And Likewise. It was indeed magical. Like two jig saw pieces fitting perfectly into each other. Nothin was left behind. She knew everything about him, so did he. She was all he ever needed, like his own perception of beauty personified in front of him. He could never afford to lose her, this companion of his. And one Sunday late night after a month of knowing her, he did it, "You know ankita, I don't want to ruin our friendship but, I see my perfect companion in you, I really like you"She took two days and it happened. They were together, officially. It was magical, she was everything he ever wanted, yet she surprised him time and again with her unpredictable nature. Time flew like it does when you're in love. But it was beautiful enough nonetheless to be cherished for long. She was his strength, and vice versa. They held on to each other and they held on like glue. Through good times as well as bad. They faced it all together. They would fight and make up the next day. But slowly it was only him who used to give up his ego to sort things out. Others could see. He did too but he avoided it, rather denied it. He loved her more than anything else. And it went on, they used to smile together, have fun and life was pretty much normal. The initial magic had however been taken over by varying priorities. But go on it did. One evening, they realised how far apart they had grown in this race for keeping up their egos and expecting the other to show care and love. And they decided it was pointless to carry it on. Did they not love each other?Both of them cried for months and then, things grew normal. Life moved them on along with itself. Not that they stopped loving each other but they learnt to live apart. Until one day she decided she had been a fool and came back to him. He was ecstatic. Like months of tears and prayers being rewarded all of a sudden. He jumped out of joy and danced like mad. She was happy too. They were together and they loved each other. They lived happily ever after, subject to terms and conditions. Things started going dry, and every time he wanted to solve things out, she had not a solution to offer. Tired and frustrated, he cried himself to sleep. It happened for countless nights. He could see her going far from him again, yet a question or discussion always invited a quarrel, never a solution. He was scared to Hell for himself, couldn't afford to lose what was dearest to him, yet one day he put an end to it all. "Ankita, lets make sure we never cross each others path ever again in life"...

It was over.

He still thinks over what went wrong, what did he do wrong, was there a better way out? but he has for himself only one satisfaction. He had loved her. He had tasted how it felt to love someone selflessly, unconditionally...He had loved.Still does

Walking Into The Inevitable
Date: 24 August 2012, 10:40

I've tried all I could
And it looks like I'm gonna die trying
Killing myself a thousand times
Using every inch of myself to make it work

Waiting for that one smile from you
To tell me, everything's fine
Sadly, the wait never ends

You seem to be into a world of your own
With me desperate to find a corner for myself
With your own priorities looming large
Making it impossible for you
To see me, to understand
But for me, it has always been you
And I say this with the sincerest heart
It has always been us
Your happiness, our togetherness

And me doing what I can
To hold on, to make it work
I kill myself, my ego
But I also falter
I am not perfect
If only you could see through my words
There's your own guy
Still waiting for you to smile for him
Still waiting to see the twinkle in your eyes

I fret, I crib, I cry, I lose it all
With emotions being a mere play of the moment
Trying my best to control
But only if you could see
I'm hurt, hoping maybe
You could set it right

And somewhere down this struggle for survival
I die once again
Trying to die at last
Hating this world, hating all its people
It kills

A smile, meant just for me
Your eyes with the familiar twinkle
Those dimples which are therapeutic
That's all I ask for
Hoping its not too much

I can conquer the world
If its you standing next to me
I've left everyone behind me
Or maybe its the other way round
But I've come too far over them
You're all I have
You're all i want

And I know you love me too
But till then here I am
Crying to myself in this rain
Crying myself to sleep
Sounds weak of me
But I've been strong, far too long
With the last milligrams of my hope
Set upon you and us
I still love you the same I always did
I do love you
And I am still, Your Dumbo

Mayhem
Date: 19 August 2012, 19:55

And somewhere amidst this mayhem
I am left behind thinking to myself
Am i doing it right?
This life of fallacies
Where not a soul knows how it really is
This sense of loss
The emptiness, cluelessness
A wandering thought in the emptiness of the skies
In the depth of blue clouds
And the greens of trees around
In the rains falling upon my discoloured skin
In the soft winds against my face

But something within me keeps the question alive
Am i really, doing it right?
Does something here ought to be different?
Sadly enough i have not an answer for myself

Being Me

Date: 16 August 2012, 22:21

In a night of loneliness
I do wander
Not a soul out here
For some left for love Some for priorities
And some because they had to

I walk alone here
Unwanted, unclaimed
With my questions
Which obviously go unanswered
For no one is there enough
To render an answer
So i have this night to myself
The same tranquil starlit night
The same empty darkness
The same dark emptiness

Breaking down
Gathering back pieces, every five minutes
I go on how i think i should
Subjected to answers, put to trials
But what hurts, there's not a shoulder
to rest upon and ask, yet again?
God knows what the big picture is

A life of lies
Telling them what they wwant to hear
I'm not allowed to live for myself
My tears will be questioned too
And i will tell them, i am fine
That's what they want
Somewhere trying to be the man they wanted
I lost myself

A few steps forward
And the questions surface again
I have to put them aside
For i should go on
I should

And here i am again
Stranded in the pitch darkness
The one that never left
With bricks and cement and shadows
dooming like large monsters
Shadows of the future that awaits
Shadows of the present too hard to survive

I will go on
Living this life of lie

For truth is what you are not going to like

Date: 1 August 2012, 21:17

A Silent Escape

Seeking an escape, a journey unknown,
A journey to lose myself, a journey to find myself
The journey far more important than the end itself
Somewhere into the unknown path
Where I know not, where is it that I head
I’ve lived long enough trying to know answers

A few minutes for myself where tears aren’t questioned
And if at all, Eyes are understood

Listening to the beat of my own heart
Trying to believe, I am still alive
What is it that I want? What is it that I don’t?
To hold on, or to let go, to stand up or to let it pass,
I wish to run away from questions
Losing myself to the silence
Maybe then I do find out
what I don’t know I’m looking for